Does this sound like a familiar feeling? Every day, you’re sitting in front of the computer or with your smartphone in your hand – just waiting for the next spiteful email from him. 

Or maybe you’re planning a vacation and you can’t sleep at night because you’re imagining exactly how he’s going to behave this year to make the Christmas season complete.

And while you’re at it, you’re imagining that he won’t be bringing the kids back after the holidays. What a horror show!

Or you may have been sentenced to mediation by order de mufti  (pronounced court) and you fantasize about your meeting in the hallway and later in the room itself. Your stomach clenches at the very thought.

What will he claim outrageous again?

What hateful, sardonic look will he “give” you again?

You ask yourself the questions silently while you think. And your brain searches for answers in seconds.

The answers are available mega fast, thanks to a healthy brain. Faster than you can do 5×4, your mind is flashing back the scenes you’ve experienced with your toxic ex in the past.

One thought chases the next. One ugly scene after another wanders through your head, through your heart, through your soul.

And rolls out the highway further.

Because: the more you constantly ask yourself the same questions, the more often you train and ensure that the same data is always available faster and faster.

Like playing the piano.

As a beginner, you first have to painstakingly create the synapses in your brain before you can play “Für Elise” fluently. Later you just smile because it’s so easy for you and you don’t need any more notes for it.

All nerve pathways are perfectly connected over time. The stream of impulses is lightning fast – you could even play “Für Elise” from another context at any time without having to think too much.

Now playing the piano is definitely something very nice.

On the other hand, none of us wants to have the negative thought carousel

But the principle is the same: practice makes perfect!

You trained in the relationship to learn how the ex ticks.

You learned to interpret every gesture, every circumstance that his unholy wrath might evoke.

Even the smallest signs you could guess later.

No question: that was vital for your soul back then! In order to avoid possible arguments and further harassment, and not to get hurt more.

After the separation, there were new framework conditions. You had to learn that too.

You are no longer directly aware of what is happening in his everyday life, which could again cause a narcissistic crisis. Or a toxic tantrum.

After several unprepared attacks – via email or during child handovers – you learn that you should be prepared even if you have no  clue.

It can happen anytime.

A letter from the court could  end up in the mailbox at any time .

At any moment there could be  an email threatening to ruin you.

At any moment he could come up with some harassment to finish you off. He knows all your weaknesses, so why shouldn’t he push all the buttons? What was to stop him?

So over time you become a sad professional in your world of experience with the toxic-narcissistic ex and father of your child.

You are the absolute expert, precisely because you can receive him so well with your empathy antennae .

Does this have to go on forever now?

No.

But while you think that the Ex will never stop and that you can’t change him and that the courts won’t bring him to heel and that narcissism is hardly curable – yes, that’s all true – I say to you:

You alone have the power to say goodbye to your inner thought hell.

You “only” have to train yourself to think other thoughts.

This, now, is your most important task: You must learn to ask the inner questions differently, so that your head and your soul can give you other answers, for which you will unconsciously seek proof.

And these better answers will become thought spirals that, over time, build a wide, fast highway between the synapses in your brain.

While the old highways become more and more brittle because they’re not used as much anymore.

Ha, I can see the incredulous look on your face!

How can you stop brooding about it when the Ex keeps coming up with some new chicanery?

It’s a bit like the chicken and the egg. Which came first?

Think of your inner world of thoughts and feelings as a powerful antenna for sending and receiving on your head.

You send out a radio wave with each of your thoughts that is looking for a receiver. And at the same time you receive the other information with the same frequency back – you are calibrated to it. You cannot receive other waves, because you use only one frequency with which you radio.

That means: Your antenna is currently tuned to perceive every negative action of the Ex, no matter how small, and thus to receive a confirmation.

And the confirmations are just pouring in on you. Of course – your Ex is also toxic!

And woe is you, you think on the whole that life is difficult and now everything is going down the drain and everything is coming together and Murphy’s Law and all!

And discuss this at the next coffee klatsch or in the mothers’ forum. Preferably with a few more exclamation points and a lot of emotionality, because you’re in a really bad way.

Beepbeepbeep – yes, that’s where the answers come in droves on the same frequency!

The car chokes up and won’t start. 

The bill you overlooked is reminded for the second time – and the automatically sent email sounds anything but understanding.

Your neighbor goes up like a howitzer over a misunderstanding.

And you register EVERYTHING exactly. You wanted proof? There you go.

Meanwhile, the negative thought highway is getting wider and wider. Meanwhile three lanes, with wide emergency lane, perfectly tarred and without speed limit.

​But what if you asked yourself different questions in your head?

For example, “Wouldn’t it be nice to have a very inspiring conversation with a supervisor at work today?”

“What all have I accomplished in the last six months?”

“In what critical situations have I found good solutions and ways out in the past?”

“What successes have I had at work in the last year?”

“What’s working great in my life right now – what am I really, really grateful for?”

Ask yourself different questions to get different thoughts.

Of course, this is troublesome at first, as opposed to the well-built highway (“But the Ex, Heidi!!!!”).

The synapses between positive thoughts have to connect first. Long forgotten things, which you have already achieved once, must first be brought out again and made conscious to you.

I see it time and time again with new members in the brave moms club, how hard they initially find it to remember past successes, but can recall every little mistake they made 5 years ago down to the tiniest detail.

That’s why reading this blog article, understanding it cognitively, and then going back to business as usual and the humdrum of everyday life isn’t enough here, Sweetheart!

This means practice, practice, practice!

Every day. Starting today – no procrastination.

You won’t learn to play the piano by reading a blog article or just listening to Für Elise, either.

So sit down, take out your journal, and get in the habit of focusing your antenna on the beautiful, the good, your successes, and your gratitude that you’ve already achieved for your life’s journey.

Ask yourself: What do I want my life to look like a year from now? What experiences do I want to receive?

If there’s one thing I’ve come to understand, it’s this:

The toxic drama around us is a response to our antennas.

The more we work to turn this negative frequency around, the more and more the importance we assign to the toxic actions of the Ex in our lives fades.

We become more and more indifferent to him.

And that’s what it’s all about, isn’t it?

So that soon you will no longer waste thoughts about what your ex could do in your life (which you can’t control anyway), but at most about all the great things that will still happen in your life, and you will pave the way for them step by step.

Just because you think it first, then you feel it, and later you can experience it.

If you don’t know where and how to start, I will be happy to support you.

Little by little, you will learn to apply these methods in your changing daily life.

How do you feel about the topic? Have you had any experience yourself with the effect your thoughts and attitude had on a particular outcome? If so, please leave a comment below so that the other moms can get an idea of how it works. Merci!