Do you ever wonder what your toxic Ex really thinks about you?

There he stands in front of you so full of hate and makes you some reproaches, which you can hardly grasp, because they lack any basis – and every time you are shaken, because it was so wonderful between you at the beginning of your relationship and he constantly held your hand.

At the moment when he stands in front of you today, he makes the impression as if YOU were a spawn of hell – a witch, a bad mother, despicable and contemptible.

You are shaken just because you have rather the need to want to please everyone and to have to please everyone – at least this has often been reflected to you in the past, that this is a quirk of yours.

So nothing is further from the truth than what your Ex is telling you.

Or was everything he whispered so lovingly in your ear during the love bombing phase at the beginning of your relationship really a lie? You may not believe it.

What happened to him?

Could you have stopped this development?

Could you have done anything differently to prevent him from becoming so emotionally cold towards you?

Something inside you is looking for an answer to this inexplicable toxic behavior. Since it wasn’t there in the beginning – you are convinced of that – you could never have fallen in love with him otherwise.

Wouldn’t you?

You devour all the information about narcissism you can get your hands on. You read more and more about this personality disorder, and as time goes by, many things become clearer to you.

A growing disillusionment spreads.

But a tiny bit of hope remains.

Maybe you yourself are a therapist or psychologist or pedagogue who knows a lot about the human psyche, if only for professional reasons. In any case, you would definitely not be an isolated case among women who have been together with a toxic-narcissistic partner and have even founded a family.

There must be something that can be done? Surely it should be possible to help the man?

Doesn’t Christian teaching also say that every person is good at the bottom of his heart?

What makes pathological narcissists tick

Sweetheart, I can understand so well that you are trying to understand this unbelievable development and want to put a stop to it – or best to turn it around right away.

But all that you learned earlier – if you are only good, another person won’t do you any harm – doesn’t apply in this case.

And it even has nothing to do with you personally.

This is a bitter pill and a great comfort at the same time.

It is a bitter pill because you were not meant personally when he fell in love with you (or at least gave the impression that he was madly in love).

And it’s a great comfort at the same time because his actions are thus decoupled from anything you’ve ever done or will ever do. So it doesn’t matter at all how you behave – he will in any case do whatever ideas his psychological personality disorder gives him.

A pathological narcissist reflects his own self-worth in his partner.

If he is just exuberant and freshly in love, he projects his own magnificence onto the woman. Of course, the woman is enraptured – after all, she has never before been so adored and verbally endowed with such advantages – and expresses her admiration in turn.

The energy cycle gets going.

But alas!

After a few weeks or months, there is the first incident or disagreement or something happens to him at his work, and his reaction to it is beyond measure more violent than appropriate to the occasion.

You notice this and a first irritation spreads, which you also express – still full of naivety and loving understanding.

After all, everyone has weaknesses and makes mistakes.

A narcissist, however, cannot deal with this at all. His self-protection is based on the fact that he is infallible.

At some point in his childhood, there was an incident that led him to believe he needed to protect himself, otherwise the pain would be too great.

And that’s the crux of it, my dear.

So if you think about what your ex would have to do in order to be “cured”, you are missing something very important: His own insight that something is wrong with him – because he doesn’t have that and mustn’t have it at all, otherwise his entire self-protection, which he has laboriously built up over the years, will falter.

One’s own realization is the prerequisite for a profound change.

If I do not recognize that I have a deficit in a certain aspect of my life that prevents me from living a happy and balanced, beautiful life, then I will not take appropriate action and work on it.

This is also why therapies with pathological narcissists have such a low chance of success.

If someone thinks he is great and infallible, he does not feel the slightest urge to change anything.

Logical, isn’t it?

What does that mean for you now?

Let’s talk about control, sweetheart.

What of what you know about your ex’s apparent dysfunction can you control yourself?

What of what you could say to him, if you had the opportunity, would fall on fertile ground?

And why the hell are your thoughts still on him and his healing and not taking care of yourself?

Every person has responsibility for their own life – so do you!

So if you have experienced how a toxic narcissistic person could “dock” with you, then it is your task to find out which of your deficits he served.

And then actively address those deficits – by learning to fill those gaps yourself.

Yes, you can!

While it’s not a now-and-then thing – it’s more of a life task, as you need to reflect and dissolve years of trained patterns – but just by being mentally mindful of yourself, you’ll notice a difference right away.

So if you are mainly mentally concerned with what your Ex thinks of you, it keeps you from considering what you think of yourself.

If you’re mentally preoccupied with how your Ex is going to behave in court tomorrow, you’re not taking time to think about how you’re going to behave in the courtroom.

Universally speaking, you’re sending him all of your energy and pulling it away from yourself at the same time.

And quite frankly: How can a sick brain’s lies affect you? They shouldn’t – neither with words nor with deeds.

So it’s better to let go and turn inward.

Letting go in this case also means to stop expecting or hoping that the Ex will finally stop being toxic and love you again.

Yes, you are definitely a lovable person – but you are the first to realize that!

Let me finish by going back to the initial question:

What does your toxic Ex think about you?

Who cares?

On a scale of 1 to 10 – how intense and how often are your thoughts about your Ex? Write it in the comments below.