How Toxic is Your Ex?
Before you get into the following type analysis: No, not every ex-partner of a mother is toxic! I have to emphasize this again and again, because I write on this blog only and exclusively for a very specific target group of readers.
I focus my writing exclusively on mothers with a toxic Ex-partner. Regardless of whether this one actually has narcissistic personality disorder or borderline disorder or whatever:
Toxic people treat their peers differently compared to mentally healthy people.
These toxic actions have a direct impact on the psyche and quality of life of the mothers and quite massively also on their children and thus on the coming generation.
My type analysis tries to reveal the shades of gray and differences.
Doesn’t toxic always mean toxic?
Even if it is bad enough for one mother when her ex is just standing in front of the door and pours his hatred on her again, another one experiences how her ex does not even go into direct confrontation, but sows lies in the background in order to pursue a big plan: the financial and emotional destruction of the woman.
Others are simply trying to save money by eagerly implementing the suggestions of the fathers’ lobby so that they can get the alternating residency model and thus pay little or no child support.
Based on the last six years in which I have worked intensively with my clients, a total of 3 types of toxic men have emerged for me.
For the sake of completeness, however, I would like to start with the non-toxic Ex first, so that we have a reference for a common understanding here.
The Normal Ex
There’s no question about it: a separation or divorce is a great burden for everyone and is associated with many fears.
Especially because in the decades before children were usually awarded to the mothers, one can understand it quite well if a man is afraid that he might not see his child after the separation or he sees how much alimony he has to pay according to the Düsseldorfer table.
Therefore, I find it quite normal and forgivable if this fear is subliminally expressed with one or the other actually completely untypical statement, which in turn panics the mother and thus sets a spiral in motion, which finally ends up in a conversation before the youth welfare office or a postmarital parental counseling.
Also, I can definitely understand when an Ex partner mourns the relationship and does not welcome a new partner of the woman with open arms (now let’s be honest: who can?).
However, the big difference with toxic fathers quickly becomes apparent:
The normal ex has an interest in finding a solution that is fair to both parents and the children.
He still values the marriage time spent together and the personality of the ex-wife. He would never discredit the mother in front of the children.
He is interested in them having good, respectful interactions after the relationship.
Above all, the Normal Ex doesn’t want any emotional stress and tries everything to make sure that the children get through the separation as unscathed as possible and can later deal well in everyday life with two separated parents.
In contrast, I would like to introduce the first toxic type:
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The Copycat, as the name suggests, is one who follows others who tell him what to look for now in the situation so that he is not taken advantage of.
He follows the maxims of the fathers’ lobby and wants to be smart.
But he is rather not.
From what I’ve seen so far, these tend to be the types who earn little to nothing and don’t think about the big questions in life, let alone how they want to raise their children to be happy adults.
They may still strive for a court case on procedural cost aid, but then quickly give up because it’s all so tedious.
A follower also doesn’t want any stress, doesn’t want to pay so much alimony, and finds his children a nice change in the boring TV routine. But having work with them? No thanks.
In the beginning, a follower causes a lot of trouble and furor among concerned mothers, because the irresponsibility – a very essential characteristic for narcissism – that he thus demonstrates throughout the day can lead to daily hair pulling.
In addition, there is the constant question of how they can get him to take proper care of the children and also to always pay child support on time.
The emotional burden for the mothers is mainly based on the fact that they would like to see more interest and commitment to the children, but the Ex is either too limited in thinking or simply disinterested.
The toxic level is therefore, in my opinion, rather low.
Let’s move on to the next guy, who is a corner more toxic:
The mean bastard
The mean bastard is a completely different number than the follower. He doesn’t earn bad money and has a good standing in his profession – he’s got what it takes.
It bothers him all the more when he has to pay a considerable amount of his income to his ex’s children.
He does not understand that. He rather suspects that the ex-wife will make a lazy drudge of it – because why do you need 400 euros per child per month?
The fact that the relationship was based on the fact that the wife stayed at home with the children in the beginning, and then could only take on a low-paid part-time job, was fine with him in the beginning (tax class 3! Reputation with the boss!!), but now he only sees what he has to pay for.
After all, the new woman at his side also wants to be offered something. The whole love bombing phase is so expensive!
If the ex-wife has left him, this gnaws quite at his ego. She will pay for that! Therefore the new one is prettier or younger or more successful or has no children – or everything together.
This doesn’t work in the long run – because nobody should be more successful or higher than him in a relationship – but to give the ex-wife a good scare, it’s ok. And in the initial phase it increases him even if he has a great fish on the hook.
Then “quite harmlessly” arm in arm at the new apartment of the Ex strolls past and the toddler to the contact fetched, if one lives in walking distance together. So that the neighbors also notice.
Or the fears of the child’s mother, which one has noticed in the course of the relationship, are served. Who, if not the ex-partner, knows us best of all?
The mean bastard likes to push your buttons often and is happy to elicit a reaction.
If things aren’t so great with the new one either, it’s quite possible that he will now pour his narcissistic rage all over the child’s mother. He creates terrible scenes when handing over the children, does not spare blackmail and threats to take the children away from the mother, because he now has a real family.
One or more court cases are likely now, and he will not be able to sell himself badly there (he can still remember well the seminar contents to which he had to go by profession).
At the beginning, therefore, the misery is great for the mothers, because the first judgments may well turn out pro father at first.
So it is quite possible that he gets the alternating residency model through on a trial basis against her will, or that a family expert opinion is ordered, and thus a dynamic is set in motion that none of the parties involved can grasp anymore.
Also, it happens again and again that the gentleman, if something sits cross in his bowels again, immediately runs to the court and makes a new application.
However, I often observe that the courts sooner or later see who is the weirdo in the room, and then finally make the better decisions for the children.
Only until then, the mother needs an incredible amount of strength and energy. A simple clarification of pending, harmless but custody-relevant decisions for the child regularly becomes a test of nerves.
The bottom line is that the mean bastard is never concerned about the children. He needs the emotional energy supply of others who depend on him (be it his financial resources or his decisions that cannot be made without his signature).
He is all about money, control and power that elevates him.
And that’s what the alternating residency model is perfect for.
Now you think it can’t get any worse? Yes, unfortunately.
Let’s move on to the top class of toxic types and the last category of my type analysis:
Do you want to feel confident about managing child hand-offs with your toxic ex?
The devil himself
In contrast to the mean bastard, the devil is capable of anything – at least the ex-wife believes him to be. He will have shown the child mother his true colors more than once in the course of the relationship. Even if he looks like an angel: She knows the true grimace behind it – and it couldn’t be uglier.
His emotional coldness is a very special feature here. While all men with a narcissistic personality disorder are not capable of any empathy, the malignant type is characterized by his special ruthlessness towards others.
The devil is usually intelligent and wealthy. However, he will go to any lengths to ensure that the ex-wife does not get a cent from him. He prefers to invest 20,000 € in a star lawyer than to transfer a monthly child support of 500 €.
He is rather calm and does not give himself the nerve of an outburst of rage in front of others.
While all narcissists lie in court like printed matter and bend the truth (and even believe it themselves afterwards) as it suits them, they have found their true master in the devil. He deeply despises laws and authorities and makes a sport out of circumventing the system in his favor or gaining unfair advantages whenever he can. Why should he abide by laws or resolutions when others are so stupid and cannot prove anything against him?
As a top manager or doctor or lawyer, he also has an excellent network to which he can fall back at any time.
In contrast, he humiliates other people who are a threat to him or who do not share his megalomaniac opinions or who are simply beneath him.
Once the separated parents are then in court (which should be 99.9% of the time), he is not concerned with the child, but solely with destroying the ex-partner financially and emotionally and making good on his threat.
He has a perfidious strategy from the beginning, which he follows day after day until he reaches his goal. This includes that he manipulates the small child early on in such a way that they parrot his sentences in the conversation with the guardian ad litem, for example: That they want to live with daddy and not with mommy, because she always lies and hits other people.
Once he has been granted the ABR and the mother has become the contact mommy, he will do everything he can to sabotage the child’s contact in everyday life. He tells the mother that the child does not want to see her or is sick. On the other hand, he tells the child that the mother has cancelled contact.
He embezzles letters and packages from the mother and makes sure at school that the mother does not receive any information about the child’s status.
He will try to take the child away from her mentally and emotionally if he has not yet done so. In doing so, he will use any means.
While the mean bastard likes to be present in the everyday life of the child’s mother and prefers to keep control over her in the alternating residency model, the devil pursues only one strategy: that of total destruction of his opponent, in this case the mother, whom he can best hit by taking away the child, which is the most important thing in her life.
So the bottom line here is survival as a mother and a woman.
She sees herself alone in the wide open, because the monstrosity she experiences in dealing with him triggers at most a shake of the head in those around her, but little understanding and certainly no help.
No one wants to believe that such evil people can actually exist.
Are there any ways at all to learn how to deal with such a person?
Yes, definitely. A devil – and a mean bastard, too – forces you to develop with his behavior. You have to activate your innermost resources and come into clarity, otherwise you have no chance.
I’m happy to help you with that.
How is it in your case, sweetheart?
What type do you have for a coparent?
I’ve put a lot of thought into this, and I’ve developed an amateur test specifically for this purpose – based on my very specific tunnel vision that I’ve developed as a result of my work with the thousands of moms over the last few years. At the end, you’ll have a chance to get a strategy recommendation for just your type.
You can guess which type should come out for you – according to what you’ve read above – and then take the test first.
Here you come to the Tox-Test.
Does the result match your guess? Let me know in the comments below.
Need support in dealing with your toxic guy? If strategy advice alone isn’t enough for you, join my exclusive club of brave moms. There, you’ll get active support with all the waves your toxic ex is making – whether he’s a follower or even the devil himself.
You need all the support you can get right now.
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