The 10 worst habits that prevent you from succeeding in family court
Well, sweetheart – what habits have you formed over the course of your life? Do you still have the same ones you had 20 years ago? Like watching TV late into the night or getting up late, cleaning on Saturdays, or reading at night before bed until you get tired?
When you think of habits, do you first think of not incorporating enough exercise into your daily routine, drinking too much coffee, or just not being able to keep your fingers off the cigarettes?
But the topic of habits encompasses much, much more, and with this article I want to make you aware of the extent to which your current habits make up your success in court.
Because the habits you are living right now have made you the woman you are right now.
Therefore: If you want a different life, a different appearance and with it a different effect on your outside world, then you need different habits.
There are good habits and bad habits
Therein lies a judgment, of course – not every good habit is ideal for everyone, and not every bad habit is automatically bad for everyone.
It depends on what values are important to you.
If values like reliability and punctuality are very important to you, then you will be extremely uncomfortable with a habit like “getting up at the last minute” or “putting off difficult things until the last minute.”
Good habits are good for you.
Bad habits are not good for you.
Everything that is good for you promotes your well-being. You are in harmony with yourself. You have joy in your everyday life and lead a happy life.
It can be written as simply as that. And it’s also as simple as that.
Now, you may have a certain image in your head of a bourgeois grandfather who mows his lawn every Saturday at 9 a.m. on the dot, empties his mailbox every workday at 10 a.m. on the dot, and goes to the supermarket every other day at 8 a.m. on the dot.
And if you have “flexibility” or “spontaneity” as a value, then you are dreading a well-scheduled daily routine.
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Do you remember when you were in your twenties? How you lived your day and didn’t have to worry about anything or anyone?
And yet you went to work – even then you had built up structures for yourself: Getting up at a certain time and also going to bed at night, when you cleaned your apartment and when you did your tax return.
Finally, your husband came into your life. And the first baby.
And bam – your baby taught you the importance of fixed daily routines to be happy.
Anyone who has experienced a completely overstimulated, sleep-deprived baby in the beginning and has seen how fixed routines can affect the well-being of everyone (even and especially the stressed parents!) will see and take great care to keep the routines that way!
That is also one of the biggest problems with a toxic Ex, by the way. If someone demands an alternating residency model after a separation with a baby or toddler, which by definition does not allow for long-lasting periods of rest and rituals, they have no idea about it – and no empathy either.
So you make sure that the child has a nap every four hours, that the nap takes place promptly at 1 p.m. and that the child is in bed at 7 p.m. for the night’s rest (or whatever times are right in your case). If only for your own sake.
But habits go beyond everyday actions
Apart from all the good things you can do for yourself every day in your daily life, there are also a lot of habits on how to think in your daily life.
And since you have hopefully already perceived me as a coach for your mindset by now, it shouldn’t surprise you if that’s exactly where my main focus is.
Because you already know that you shouldn’t smoke, drink excessive amounts of alcohol or eat sweets.
But do you also know that you shouldn’t think certain thoughts excessively? And even that may have become a habit?
A habit includes anything you repeat over and over again.
This includes actions as well as your thinking.
Especially when you are about to go to court, your current habits of both action and thought have an incredible impact on the success or failure of the outcome of the trial – and on how you feel when you leave the courtroom.
However, if you now realize that your thinking influences your actions – then you will know what should be put first in your focus!
Let me list the worst habits that can prevent you from succeeding in family court:
Do you want to feel confident about managing child hand-offs with your toxic ex?
10) Going to bed too late and pressing the snooze button several times in the morning.
This is actually a biggie – you’re signaling to the universe that you don’t want to start the day.
It’s understandable, especially when you’re in a heated clinch with your Ex.
However, every day is a new chance to start it with a new thinking and build a new momentum.
Especially if you worry a lot, it’s important that you get into the habit of going to bed earlier, because only then will your mental carousel, and thus a negative momentum, have a chance to settle down.
However, a nervous, scared, worrying ex-partner is exactly what your ex wants to achieve.
If you start first thing in the morning by immediately revisiting anxious thoughts from the day before, this is a habit you should definitely break.
Your best new habit first thing in the morning: the moment the alarm goes off, swing your legs to the edge of the bed, and as soon as your feet touch the slippers, say out loud, “This day is going to be just wonderful!”
Just this small, simple change in your get-up habits has tremendous impact!
9) Putting too much focus on the Ex
I see it again and again in the excited posts on Facebook, in which mothers think aloud what outrages the Ex is probably cooking up again, because this or that clue allows conclusions about a perfidious plan.
This includes the thought that the Ex gets everything he wants.
You used to make a habit of thinking, “Boah – he really does get everything he sets his mind to!”
This sentence in particular is catastrophic in its effect, because both of you are pulling at the same end of the rope. He is just as confident as you that he will get everything he wants!
You need another conviction so that you can counteract, regardless of how successful your Ex is at work!
After all, family court proceedings are a new experience for both of you. So why should he automatically have more success in it than you? Because he can speak better and more polished? As if that’s all that matters in family court!
By the way, you can also learn to speak more calmly and convincingly. I’ll be happy to practice this with you in a Court Royal dress rehearsal at the Mighty Moms Club.
In the meantime, you’d better get used to the phrase, “Even my toxic ex will be upset in court because it’s an unfamiliar environment for him.”
8) Wanting to please everyone
Oh yes, you know that, don’t you? The fervent wish that everyone likes you and finds you likeable?
In the courtroom, there are so many different people with such different stories that it’s a hopeless endeavor.
Nor is the court about making friends.
Court is about resolving a factual issue (“What is best for the child?”). Period.
What makes this habit dangerous is when it is made clear to you that you are the only one who is resistant to compromise and therefore uncomfortable. Just the fact that there might be someone raising their eyebrows when you say “No!” causes sweats.
Always wanting to please is a habit you should reflect on so you can get ahead in court.
Not that you have to become a fury there!
But a matter-of-fact, open and friendly attitude without accusation and neediness is something you can train yourself to become a new habit of thinking.
7) Always wanting to get it right
This point is closely related to the one from above about wanting to please everyone, but it has another flavor: to always act correctly – rather, perfectly.
The demand for perfection is a dead end when it comes to family court.
You will – and you are allowed to! – make mistakes.
How are you supposed to know how to get it 100% right? Even if you’re a lawyer and know your way around family court, you’re going to make mistakes – and that’s okay.
Mistakes always move you forward. You learn more from your mistakes than from your perfection.
The habit of wanting to control everything perfectly is an additional trap in this respect, because you then tend to want to control your environment more easily. After all, you can only work perfectly if the environment variables play into your hands accordingly.
This may still be the case in a business project. But not in our private lives.
There is only one area that you can control perfectly: and that is your own thinking and your own actions.
Everything else you can’t control.
You better let go of that, cut yourself some slack. You are just doing the best you are capable of!
6) Believing that the lawyer will fix everything
This is the opposite of the control habit from above, but just as harmful in family court. The thought that the specialist you pay expensive money to will save you will lead you into a rather unpleasant situation.
You are handing over the responsibility to someone who cannot take it at all.
Behind this is also often the habit of thinking that you can’t do anything yourself and that everyone else knows more than you do.
You practically hide your own light and intelligence under a bushel.
But you are also an expert, sweetheart!
Namely, the one who knows your child best – and what is best for the child.
Your lawyer should be an expert in the courtroom, but he doesn’t really know what your child needs either. And he doesn’t know your ex’s toxicity (yet).
Therefore, you better get in the habit of being a team with your legal counsel. And choose the right teammate accordingly! Who would you most like to work with?
You provide him or her with good arguments (e.g. against the alternating residency model and why that is not suitable for the child) so that he/she can translate that into court language and have your back there while you speak as an expert for your child.
Court Royal, by the way, makes you your lawyer’s best client.
5) Taking the bad stories of other mothers and apply them to your own situation.
This is also a habit. You read a horror story of a mother who just “lost” both children to her Ex, and you see yourself ending up that way.
In the process, you tune out the stories of the successful mothers who managed to turn the court case around out of hopeless situations.
Sure – you see what you’re convinced of all the time.
And so you’re paving a pretty terrible path for your courtroom future.
You can easily remedy this: do a concentrated search for the success stories of mothers who have been to family court.
4) Adopting the beliefs of others without being asked.
This includes everything that others have written or already said, which you classify as “more than you know”.
Remember: not every belief is automatically bad! But if you notice that certain statements leave a more than bad feeling in you, worry you or even frighten you, care is called for.
I’m thinking of sayings like “The fathers’ lobby is getting more and more powerful,” or “We mothers don’t stand a chance in court anymore.”
Don’t let these phrases find a breeding ground in you by repeating them over and over in your head or even discussing them with others (which is even worse.).
You can easily prevent this by asking yourself:
“Is this really the case? What evidence can I find that speaks against it?” and then proceed as described above.
3) Write highly emotional posts
This is also a bad habit that keeps you in a negative frame of mind and will not let you succeed in court.
The more dramatically you describe your situation and use highly emotional words, the more you reinforce your own bad feelings and cause others either to panic (other mothers) or to feel alienated (judge, guardian ad litem, etc.).
Are you used to emotional writing and talking or always stirring the soup about what the Ex just did again and how bad he is – the more you are saying, “Give me more of that!”
It’s not without reason that DEXKADIMA has a whole module dedicated to the language you use in everyday life.
The more factually and clearly you ask your questions in the various forums and stay calm, the more you help yourself.
Constant attention to this can very easily become a very good habit!
2) Not accepting help
The worst thing you could think and do: Thinking you can get by without help and don’t need a lawyer. You’re trying to find your own way everywhere, even though you don’t work at the court or even though you’re not a lawyer.
You definitely need a great support team at this stage of life, at this crisis.
Advocate, helpers, coaches, therapists, and other moms who encourage you and who know their stuff.
I ask you: Accept all the help that is offered to you.
Not out of neediness, because you are helpless, but out of an attitude that you are worth it. That you now need a special knowledge that others can contribute. So that you can focus on yourself – which inevitably brings us to #1 of the worst habits that make you unsuccessful in court:
1) Not taking care of yourself
That’s the most important thing, sweetheart! Your inner work – on your belief system, on your well-being, on your self-worth – is instrumental in determining whether or not you perform well in court and perceive yourself as successful.
Working on your belief system is your MOST IMPORTANT lever to be able to appear calm and confident in court and thus achieve the best resolution for your child.
Hopefully you have now realized how important your thinking habits are and how strongly they influence your actions and also your appearance towards other people.
I’m happy to support you on this path, which I’m sure is a completely different path than what you thought when you broke up!
You can get this support on the one hand every day in the club of brave mothers or concentrated and focused with my Power Brain Detox program if you want to go really deep.
It takes some time until everything is firmly in place and can no longer be removed – after all, your current (thinking) habits have also been intensively trained for a few years…
It is now time to rethink and learn to act in a new way.
So that you and your child can be well again.
Which habits are you currently working on? Which ones do you want to stop, which ones do you want to get used to? Write it in the comments and share it with the other moms. Thank you!
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