The best way to go through with your separation, even if you’re scared


​This blog article is for you if you have been going round in circles and don’t know the smartest way to separate from your toxic, presumably narcissistic partner and move out with the children.

I can well imagine that you have already read a lot in various mothers’ forums and groups, which is very frightening for you. And I also think that you’ve been thinking about leaving this man who is so mean to you and who makes everyday family life so stressful.

You are facing a very important turning point in your life. And this turning point will come one way or another, even if you are still hesitating!

The point at which you have to make a decision cannot be rationalized away with your head. Not with “But the children have their friends here! The school is so close here! The neighborhood is so great here!”

However, your soul already knows the truth that you should be living a better life, which is not possible in your small, tiny comfort zone as long as a toxic partner is still in it.

A comfort zone is called a comfort zone for a reason. Because it’s simply much more comfortable to carry on exactly as before, even if it might be a little more comfortable in hell.

The difficult thing that makes us hesitant is the mountain of details that we don’t yet know. We only see the dark forest and not yet any bright spots where the sun can penetrate. We wish so much to see the path completely clear and illuminated, and yet at the beginning we are stuck in the thickest fog and are happy if we can make out the next kerb, let alone the pit that might be hiding in the thick soup of fog.

Incidentally, I used to ride my motorcycle a lot. I got my driver’s license late – very late – when I was already 35 years old. And what an act it was until I got it! Including a change of driving school and a whole summer of expensive driving lessons, so that I only got my license after the season was over.

I really sweated blood and water back then, because the easy gliding wasn’t really my thing.

I was the biggest chicken under the sun. Oh, what am I talking about “was”. I still am. Yes, quite honestly.

But I had set my mind on learning to ride a motorcycle. I found the independence and gliding along in my imagination particularly electrifying.

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Yes, even though I wasn’t really a natural!

When I finally got my driver’s license, it was already autumn. I bought my motorcycle in the winter and in the spring of the following year, after only 800 kilometers of practice and piggybacking my fears, I set off alone (!) via South Tyrol to Tuscany. For three whole weeks.

It was a hell of a ride. Including my heavy motorcycle tipping over twice and traumatic mountain and serpentine experiences on rainy roads and downhill sections of roadworks.

Incidentally, I still draw on these experiences today and was proud as punch when I returned!

Today I no longer ride, I sold my motorcycle a few years ago because I didn’t really want to ride anymore after having a child and later a dog. For me, this phase of my life is over and nothing draws me back to it.

But motorcycling beyond “fair weather rides” brings you very, very close to your fears.

For example, I once rode in a small group from South Tyrol through the Sarntal valley back to Austria. The Sarntal valley is beautiful, but that spring it had only rained, everything was wet and cold and uncomfortable. The route is characterized by the fact that it runs more or less straight and gains altitude almost imperceptibly.

I was on the road with three men, acquaintances of my boss at the time, all experienced motorcyclists.

As the altitude increased, the fog got thicker and thicker. I knew that there were sharp hairpin bends uphill, just very, very few on this route.

Can you imagine the feeling of riding uphill in thick fog – we were crawling up the mountain at what felt like 20 km/h, one behind the other, and I was struggling to see the license plate of the person in front of me – heading towards an invisible hairpin bend on a motorcycle and constantly thinking that the abyss was lurking behind the hairpin bend? It was horrible.

Do you want to feel confident about managing child hand-offs with your toxic ex?


When did it finally come, the darn curve?

By the way, I’m extremely scared of heights, did I mention that?

I think this tour from Bolzano up to the Penser Joch took what felt like 50,000 hours and was the most exhausting and frightening thing I’ve ever experienced on a motorcycle.

The men weren’t much different, by the way. When we finally reached the top of the plateau, everyone was exhausted. But I did allow myself a loud scream: “And I’m still doing something like this VOLUNTARILY!!!”

Just had to get out. It felt good!

Not being able to drive far ahead was extremely unpleasant.

Stopping, on the other hand, was not an option – the roads were narrow, and there were still other road users flying blind who couldn’t expect a few motorcycles to be standing around on the way.

What does that mean for your situation, Sweetheart, if you’re not yet separated?

Standing still is not an option for you either, even if your head might make you believe that. Your soul is already sending you enough urgent signals that you can no longer ignore.

You can’t yet see the path clearly in front of you. Everything is still in a fog.

And it’s very likely that you’re scared to death of the next invisible bend that could throw you and your child off course.

But there is one big difference for you compared to my foggy ride back then: I’m in front of you, clearly illuminating the next few meters and even the entire route for you!

I have written a plan for you that you can read through before your separation and use as a guide.

Of course, there will still be surprises for you along the way – the odd rat (or for insiders: a flying monkey) will certainly cross the road and possibly give you a brief scare.

But on the whole, you know the route and what to expect.

And I encourage you to take it step by step, meter by meter. Until you can finally look back proudly in a year’s time and think:

“Wow, I’ve come so far! I had no idea what I was capable of!”

Where can you find the plan?

On Amazon! I’ve written a book (in German) in which I show you in detail what to look out for and what steps you should take when you need to separate from a toxic child’s father.

The plan is called “Zie endlich aus (Move out at last)!” and is available for Kindle and as a paperback.

The book is the result of countless conversations and collected experiences from mothers who have already walked the path before you. It addresses all the questions I’ve been asked about the first year of separation, as well as the heartfelt sighs of mothers who bitterly regret certain mistakes they made early on.

So it’s about your most important safety precautions, such as whether or not you should hire a lawyer right away, how to tell him – or not – all the way to the actual organization of moving out and the first child handovers. The book won’t let you down during your first meetings with the youth welfare office and your first court hearing.

Above all, however, I am concerned with your mental setting, your attitude and your perspective.

Take advantage of these experiences and clear the fog around you!

I wish so much for you, Sweetheart, that you come into clarity and courageously change life for you and your child! I wrote this book for moms like you, so you can take the sharp turns gracefully and stop being intimidated by your toxic soon-to-be-ex!

You can do it, sweetheart.

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