Yeah, what actually happens to the grandma and grandpa stuff after you break up with your toxic ex?

There are sooo many levels of frustration in this area that I wonder why I haven’t written several blog articles on the subject.

Of course, when it comes to learning how to deal with toxic people and their demands, it’s usually the child’s father who comes to mind first.

The child’s father – whether toxic or not – has a relationship and bond with the child, however strong and solid this bond actually is.

I hope this isn’t news to you if I say that strong and solid bonds between children and their toxic fathers DO exist.

And this bond and relationship building is what everything in court is aimed at.

In my court coaching on Court Royal, I go into depth with my clients on this aspect, so that they can distinguish between their former, often traumatizing relationship with the toxic man and the relationship between this man and their child.

The child is the central focus here.

What relationships has your child already built up?

The older your child is, the more relationships they are likely to already have: not only with you parents, but also with friends, teachers, coaches, uncles, aunts, neighbors, your friends, cousins, etc. etc.

Draw this up as a graphic. You’ll be amazed at how many names and roles will appear!

If your parents and your Ex’s parents (the child’s grandma and grandpa) are still alive, then you may also draw more branches there.

Realize that every single one of these people can influence your child – both positively and negatively.

Every single one of them.

That friend you don’t like at all because he could be a “bad” influence would be an obvious example. Maybe you’ve already seen him in person, and have thrown your hands up in horror.

What you tend not to notice are the small, hidden comments that your child picks up on and doesn’t discuss with you, causing them to internalize some really big, bruising beliefs unbeknownst to you.

A casual evaluative statement from the teacher, for example.

Or a thoughtless comment from the soccer coach.

Or your neighbor’s terrible fearful beliefs that conjure up the end of the world.

Remember: your child is “out there” like a sponge.

And that’s a good thing – it’s the only way they can learn.

Of course we want to protect the child and ensure that he or she only internalizes the “good” sentences and opinions.

Good here means: in our sense, according to our values and our own clarity.

Please keep this in mind when we talk about grandma and grandpa.

Logically, if they are our own ‘good’ parents, everything is fine and we want our children to spend as much time with them as possible.

Nothing else makes sense – if you already know which people have a positive influence on your child, then of course you want to encourage this.

This also takes a big burden off yourself. After all, raising children is a very demanding task. It’s nice to know that other adults are pulling in the same direction when the child’s father always wants to go the opposite way.

And how nice to have everything in your own parents’ hands and be able to control them yourself!

But what about grandma and grandpa on the toxic co-parent’s side?

They don’t even have to be narcissistic themselves, but they are blinded by loyalty and don’t want to or can’t see their son’s toxicity.

Are you able to let go here?

If you look at your relationship diagram from earlier – how would you characterize your child’s relationship with his paternal grandparents?

What color would you give the line?

How thick would you draw it?

Ask yourself: What is good about it?

It’s pointless trying to control the contact between the child and these grandparents – it’s better not to do that at all. It just takes up a lot of energy that is better spent on yourself.

But if you can clearly see that your child feels comfortable with the grandparents and enjoys going there, that can be a great comfort to you.

And isn’t it extremely normal for parents – and especially for us mothers – to remain loyal to our offspring until death?

“But what, Heidi, if your ex’s parents are even more toxic than he is?” I can already hear you asking.

Yes, what then, sweetheart?

Does this fact change the fact that you can’t influence contact outside your family and your sphere of influence?

Does this fact change the fact that the bottom line is that there are one or two other people in your child’s life who can be a bad influence?

Just like the always bad-tempered math teacher they have to learn to put up with, they learn to deal with toxic people within the family.

And in this case, not only with the father, but also with his parents.

If they like their grandparents, their ears and hearts are naturally more open and receptive to manipulation and crude beliefs.

If, on the other hand, the child doesn’t like their grandparents – yet their father still forces them to have contact with them – they are more likely to close themselves off and turn a deaf ear.

Trust the process, my dear.

Allow the child to have their own experiences with different people – both good and bad, as this is the only way they will learn to differentiate between the different types.

Never forget that you are still there too!

And if you work on becoming more confident in dealing with toxic people yourself, then you will automatically become a shining example that your child can learn a lot from!

Now my key question for you, sweetheart:

Do YOU already know the best way to deal with toxic people?

The worry that we usually pass on to our children becomes greater if we don’t have a plan ourselves.

We see the huge mountain in the fog in front of us and believe that our child has the same mountain in front of them and – just like us – will perceive it as unconquerable.

But that’s not true.

Just because YOU haven’t mastered something yet doesn’t mean that your child will feel the same way!

But it would be nice and easier for your child if you were already a master of dealing with toxic people in your everyday life.

Similar to cycling: It’s better if someone who already knows how to ride a bike shows him.

If you find yourself repeatedly floundering when dealing with toxic grandma and grandpa constantly approaching you with insubordinate demands – on top of your ex’s infamous demands – then it’s a sign for you to take a closer look and become more confident.

You can do this first and foremost by setting boundaries for yourself and insisting that they are respected.

However, a woman can only set and enforce her own boundaries if she is convinced at her core that she is “allowed” to do so and that she is “worth” having boundaries, even if this means that she offends others.

And this is where it gets really exciting, my dear.

Here we are already in the middle of describing a profound transformation process, for which I am happy to accompany you in the Club of Courageous Mothers.

If you’re not there yet, then it’s high time you were.

Feel free to comment below this article on how you see it, Sweetheart!