When the toxic Ex lies like a rug and how you can best deal with it


Is your Ex also lying like a rug and seems to get away with it everywhere?

Welcome to the club! You are not alone in this.

ALL the moms who follow me and feel addressed by my writing report that this is what they struggle with the most.

The narcissistic child father lies like crazy, for example:

  • in mediation;
  • in parental counseling;
  • in the youth welfare office;
  • in daycare centers and schools;
  • in the circle of acquaintances and in the own family
  • and in front of the family court.

Of course, he also lies to the child, especially as far as you are concerned. But this then clearly goes in the manipulative direction, which I have already described in detail in this blog article and also in this one, and which I would therefore like to leave out here.

The lies have a specific purpose: to portray yourself as innocent, harmless and as a victim and the mother as the guilty party.

Whatever this “guilt” may look like, it can also be brought forward quite subtly. 

What you need to know

If you have already studied narcissism in depth, you know that projection is a very important feature of this personality disorder.

Therefore, it is very likely that he is claiming something YOU should have done, which has actually been more HIS specialty.

So, for example, regular cheating or inconsiderate behavior or showing aggression towards him or the children. Or whatever.

Personally, I always find it particularly interesting when it’s something that has always been a subject of contention between the parents before the separation, and what regularly set the mother off.

So assuming that there was always a row because of irresponsible, excessive spending from the household budget on electronic knick-knacks by him, then in the projection he will accuse you of such behavior.

It’s really stupid when he does this in mediation. He is allowed to talk off the cuff without being interrupted, and at the end the mediator passes the ball to you: “What do you think about what your ex-partner is saying?

And what is the best way to respond to it then?

“What? But that was always YOU!” comes across rather weakly.

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How does it affect you when he’s lying through his teeth?

You are so trained to empathize with others that you immediately think of the outsiders who are listening to the lie.

What will they think of you now? Will they believe it?

Oh, this is such a damn good speaker! If you didn’t know him, you’d buy it!

There – now he’s even crying! Bah.

Actually, you should be able to lean back, since you know the truth and should be able to convey it with conviction.


But oh dear. Your voice falters, you get carried away, you go into justification.

You realize yourself that you now come across as extremely untrustworthy and are annoyed beyond measure.

How can that be? You know that you speak the truth and not him?

Sure, he surprised you with the lie (they usually do, because you didn’t expect exactly this kind of bullshit), but that’s only half the story.

You know he’s not right, but quite possibly you believe that he always wins and therefore people believe him.

Simply because he is such a “great guy”.

A good speaker.

He may even be a lawyer or a doctor or a top manager who is extremely successful in what he does for a living.

In any case, he gets a laurel wreath for his victory from you well in advance. Instead of calmly and confidently parrying and objectively answering the lie, you think there’s no point anyway – he’s just above you!

Not that we misunderstand each other – I don’t mean that you do it consciously!

I keep hearing from “my” moms that they feel inferior to the Ex. So unless you’re a doctor or lawyer yourself, it’s quite possible that you think you can’t hold a candle to him and are on the losing side for that reason alone.

Do you want to feel confident about managing child hand-offs with your toxic ex?


Don’t give your ex so much power

Not the power to be able to put everyone under his spell.

Not the power that everyone will always believe him.

Not the power that he can always achieve everything he wants.

Focus less on what he could achieve with his lies.

But rather on what YOU could achieve if you believe in yourself.

Do you notice the difference?

As soon as you focus on the possibilities you have, when you clearly formulate your point of view and your goals – authentically and in all truth – then you will appear completely different right from the start.

If, on the other hand, you are afraid that he will win anyway because he simply talks better than you, then you will also come across as weaker and more insecure than you actually are.

You can definitely train a clear presentation with a fluent chain of argumentation. I do this intensively in my Court Royal online course, for example.

But the change of perspective – away from him and his lies to you and your goals – you have to manage yourself first.

Your toxic Ex has his lies – you have your attitude.

How can you best respond with confidence now?

I would always try not to go into it too intensively and certainly not to break down the lie into all its components.

Most of the time, lies are real smokescreens and are a colossal distraction from the main topic, which is why you are sitting together.

If you then get too busy picking apart his claims, the time is – bang! – up and nothing is accomplished.

Better make it as short as possible:

“Hmm, that surprises me a lot now, because this claim is completely new to me. Does this even belong here now? I would much rather return to our main concern, which we have not yet conclusively clarified…”

Or also: “I don’t understand what this is supposed to have to do with the topic of contact arrangements now, so I won’t want to go into this assertion by Mr. X any further. I hope that’s okay with you.”

Since you always have to expect that your toxic Ex will lie, you can think of one or two appropriate rebuttals beforehand.

My tip: Write down the time when a lie comes. This way you objectify it and also gain a little time for the necessary emotional distance.

Please remember:

It has nothing to do with you, but exclusively with himself, if he lies like crazy.

You have to assume that he has told it to himself so many times that he believes it himself and is rock-solidly convinced of it. That is also one of the main reasons why he can rhetorically present the lie so brilliantly.

And one more thing: Of course, you yourself do not take refuge in lies because you are afraid that otherwise you will lose your children! Otherwise, sooner or later they will fall bitterly on your feet.

You draw your sovereign strength absolutely and exclusively from the truth and your integrity.

It ensures that you don’t have to stress yourself out in the long run because you won’t contradict yourself. Because it’s incredibly exhausting to have to remember all the individual lies over the years.

What experiences have you had with his lies to outsiders? Can you handle it better in the meantime? Or do you have a special trick for when the time comes again? Then please leave a comment, so that the other mothers also have something from it.

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