In this article, I would like to take a closer look at a current “concession level” with you.

On a level from 1 (I’m tough, Heidi – he doesn’t get anything from me!) to 10 (I’ve stopped counting) – how do you rate yourself?

Well?

I say:

If you have a very high level here, then I’m guessing that you haven’t been to court yet.

Right?

Can I take another guess and ask you if you’ve been living the alternating residency model against your will for a while because your toxic Ex has been talking you into it?

And if the alternating residency model is not already in place, but he comes and goes as he pleases without you being able to rely on a clean arrangement for you and the child?

Are you also already receiving the maintenance for your child according to the Düsseldorf table, as you are entitled to?

Or did he keep the car or the expensive washing machine even though you paid for them?

Sweetheart: Could it be that you really want to keep the ball rolling so that it doesn’t go to family court?

I can damn well understand that! Especially if he has already openly expressed this and threatened you with it (in other words: blackmailed you).

If he is also a “big shot” himself or even a lawyer, then I can well imagine that your thoughts will go in this direction:

“He always gets everything he wants!”
“Who’s going to believe me?”
“The situation at the family court for mothers has become so bad that I don’t stand a chance – you hear and read it everywhere!”

Yes, family court proceedings are no walk in the rose garden, definitely not.

For everyone involved, by the way – not even your toxic Ex.

​But the question that arises for me here is:

How high is your level of suffering?

When you look at your child: Is he or she coping with the current contact model?

Does it cope with the alternating residency model (even if you don’t like it)? Is he old enough, has he come to terms with it well?

If you don’t have an alternating residency model, how well does the child cope with the fact that dad is there completely unplanned or doesn’t show up at all?

Is the child not picked up for contact at all, even though this was agreed with you beforehand – or is it brought home too late, so that it has to go to kindergarten the next day tired because at least one hour of sleep is missing?

And how are you coping with the fact that your ex doesn’t pay alimony or doesn’t pay it regularly?

When do you set a clear, immovable boundary?

I can already hear you saying: “But Heidi, I’ve already set so many boundaries, but the guy just laughs or talks at me again – I’m completely helpless in the face of his whims.”

Well, and at the latest then such a thought is a sure sign that you need help enforcing your boundaries.

And this help could take the form of mediation, then the youth welfare office and finally the family court if none of this has any effect.

But be careful: not from the perspective of the little sister, who now fetches her big brother to beat up the bully!

An attitude along the lines of “The judge or the youth welfare officer will show you what you should or shouldn’t do!” is more evidence of helpless defiance than the calm sovereignty of a mother who is tackling a task that is necessary for the child’s welfare.

Of course – the more people involved, the more dynamic and confusing everything can become.

A biased caseworker at the youth welfare office or an extremely neutral mediator can be unsettling, especially if you are the type of person who generally likes to approach others and has been willing to compromise in the past because it makes it easier to live with other people.

Your toxic ex, on the other hand, requires more growth at this point.

Not that you have to get tough now and rigorously reject everything and anything in future!

Level 1 on the can-do concession scale is not the goal here, sweetheart.

The goal is to recognize that not only your child has a right to a great childhood, but you do too

• have certain needs (such as order, regularity, nice and intimate, stress-free contact with the child, financial security, etc.) and
• that this is perfectly ok and that you don’t need to ask anyone’s permission that you have exactly these needs and
• if others ignore these needs and trample over them you MAY set boundaries to stop this.

If you’re not getting anywhere in a one-on-one conversation with your ex and you feel worse and worse in your everyday life and you bring the next people on board to influence your ex, then you first have to convince them that your needs are okay.

However, this can only be really successful if you have ALLOWED YOURSELF TO HAVE THESE NEEDS BECAUSE YOU ARE A VALUABLE HUMAN BEING.

Then you appear completely different. Not defiant, not helpless, not breathless, not panicked.

You’re just really calm.

And you know what to do then – in the end, go to court.

The role of the family court

If parents cannot reach an agreement, even though they have shared custody – and have already tried to do so with mediating third parties – then they put this decision in the hands of a judge by applying to the court.

“Here – we disagree. Please decide for us.”

The more people have a say in the proceedings, because the judge does not want to decide alone, the more dynamic the decision-making process becomes, because everyone contributes their own values – and evaluates accordingly.

Choose your battles wisely!

The members of my German Club know this saying well enough.

But you know what? If you have a concession level of 10, but you’re highly dissatisfied with your life because your ex is pulling all the strings and you’re bumbling around like he wants, then it’s high time:

It’s high time to demand that he respects your boundaries.
It’s high time to put an end to this fiddling around.
It’s high time for a court ruling.

It’s quite possible that you won’t be able to achieve everything you want and desire in an ideal world for your child.

But what if everything went exactly as it should for your child?

What if you could achieve regular contact time with mentally carefree free me-time that would allow your child to flourish?

What if you receive the appropriate amount of maintenance that your child is entitled to?

What if your boundaries were respected and you didn’t have to justify them again and again?

Letting everything happen to you for fear of the family court is definitely not an option for a happy life.

Sometimes a clear decision helps enormously, because then you know where you stand.

And so is your toxic Ex.

Let him threaten!

Either way, you take your life into your own hands without him, and he loses more and more control over you.

That’s good! That’s why you’re no longer with him!

Summarized

To decide what you should do now, don’t ask me (or anyone else), ask yourself:

How high is my current level of suffering – and that of my child?

If the child’s level of suffering is particularly high, it is important to activate your inner lioness power and overcome your own fears.

Incidentally, it is easier for most of us to take on all the hardship associated with going to court for the child than to take our own needs seriously and seriously.

If the child is very small, for example, it will be difficult to evaluate the child’s level of distress if it lives the parity contact model due to constant changes – because babies “always cry”.

If, on the other hand, the child is in elementary school and regresses, wets himself or uses baby talk again, the level of suffering becomes more obvious. (You then get your “assignment” very, very clearly, as I always call it).

It has been proven that the more concessions you make, the more a toxic-narcissistic person will demand of you.

It will never be enough.

Only you can hold up the STOP sign. And then do your best in court so that other people understand your point of view and see it the way you do.

What is your experience with making concessions to your toxic Ex? How did he handle it, what decisions did you make as a result? Let the other moms know what you think they should do or avoid by leaving a comment below. Thank you!

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