Claiming the right to determine place of residence -yes or no?


​Every now and then, mothers write to me wanting concrete tips from me:

“Does it make sense for me to apply for the right to determine place of residence or sole custody of my child? How much do you think I will succeed with this?”

These women are not usually in my brave moms club, because they would know the answer or at least have an idea and approach me in one of our monthly coaching sessions.

First of all, it’s important to know that I am NOT an attorney and therefore CAN’T or SHOULD NOT give legal advice for court.

In my Court Royal® online program, I’ll show you the mental tasks you need to master in order to successfully appear in court alongside an aggressive, inconsiderate bully-child father.

In the club, you’ll learn about what other moms have already been able to accomplish in court – based on a strong mindset and inner, focused work ahead of time.

I have seen some success stories in the club – mothers have been granted partial rights to shared custody and even sole custody, even though the voices against it were quite loud beforehand.

So when I have to answer the question from above, I usually write back a “it depends.”

If you have a maximum goal that is unrealistic for outsiders (like the right to determine place of residence or even sole custody right away), then these 3 factors will determine your success or failure in family court:

1) Do you believe yourself that you can do it?
2) Does your legal counsel believe that you can do this together?
3) How far along is the dynamic in the courtroom?

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​Let’s break down the individual points in more detail:

1. Do you believe that you can do it?

This point comes first, and for good reason. If you come from an emotionally abusive relationship, you will feel very helpless and weakened, especially in the beginning, and the toxic child’s father, who on the other side is ice-cold or raging and pulling out all the stops, may well intimidate and frighten you further.

If, for example, you still believe that he can do anything he sets his mind to – because you experienced him that way in your relationship – then you must first address this belief system and eliminate it.

Because your attitude in family court will radiate that belief – with every sentence you say.

Or even if you are unsure whether you are a good mother – an evaluation that plays a big role in the courtroom, especially when outside “experts” look at you very sharply in this regard.

What mother can claim to always do everything right with her child?

None, sweetheart!

But if you’ve always heard in your relationship what you constantly do wrong and can’t do, and that you’re an incompetent mother, then that can run deep at first and needs to be eliminated as well.

You can do that, by the way.

But it takes time.

Time to think, to develop.

That’s when new seeds need to be sown and regularly watered and fertilized so that other, more helpful beliefs can take root in the brain.

I have created an environment in the Brave Mothers Club where you can accept and plant these seeds. And I water and fertilize them daily with the impulses.

Once you have found your mindset and your attitude as a mother in this parenthood and represent it confidently, the second point comes into play:

2. what about your legal counsel? Does he believe in it?

Your legal counsel is the expert part of your support team. He or she knows the law, he or she knows the case rulings that everyone follows, and hopefully he or she knows toxic adversaries so that he or she is not surprised by the perfidy and violence that can arise in the courtroom.

He or she is the one who can tell you what legal remedies are available to you.

But he or she must bring more to the table than just up-to-the-minute technical knowledge.

He or she must also have the will to break new ground, if necessary. To find other judgments than those that are commonly drawn by the specialized press but are not helpful.

He or she must have the idealistic ambition to want to fight for your child, and not go for the first settlement because he or she wants to close the case.

You also need someone by your side who doesn’t put himself or herself above you, but is by your side together. Who doesn’t patronize you, but works out a strategy with you, and you feel heard and comfortable.

But he or she must also be allowed to tell you if you don’t like something – and then you should definitely act on it, especially if you feel that he or she is right.

The bottom line is that he or she must also believe that your maximum goal is achievable.

If you don’t have such a legal advisor, then please read through this blog article and start looking again.

Now let’s take a closer look at the third and final point:

3. Where are you right now in the courtroom dynamic?

If you’re just starting out, and you have the first hearing coming up, then the right time for a maximum goal like the right to determine place of residence or sole custody has most likely not yet arrived.

If, on the other hand, you are already so far advanced that you have already gone through many proceedings for every little thing, and the judge no longer has a clear view because of all the smoke and mirrors, so that he or she has to orientate himself or herself to the letter of the law, then the dynamics may have progressed so far that the maximum goal you have set is simply impossible.

Therefore, there is no clear answer to this question.

There are only very many shades of gray.

Do you want to feel confident about managing child hand-offs with your toxic ex?


YOU YOURSELF are and remain the linchpin for success or failure in family court.

Whereby I also make it clear to my mothers in the club that even failures in court will bring them further.

The right to determine place of residence or sole custody are not holy grails. They do not determine whether you will live a happy life.

No matter what the court decides, you will always find new doors that will open for you and your child. Some sooner, some later.

And yet I mentally support every woman who goes into a trial with a maximum wish.

Because if you don’t express your wishes for your child clearly and in the best possible way and demand them in court, then you shouldn’t be surprised if only mediocrity comes out of it.

There is only one thing that is important to me in everything you do, sweetheart:

Please always orient yourself towards your child.

NEVER on the Ex and on the supposed injustice in the family court!

Also not what would feel better to you personally, because you cannot be alone yet, for example.

Sometimes it is better for the child if you leave them in the alternating residency model because they have come to terms with it by now.

And every now and then it is better for a child to stay with the Ex. Even if the Ex is highly toxic and manipulative.

If you are at the beginning, this idea is outrageous, so you should not give up right away, but do everything you can to help the child settle down with you.

However, if you have already progressed further in toxic parenting, at some point you will feel it in your gut what is right for your child.

And that gut listening is what I’m all about when I coach you in the club. That you only listen to it and not to what others tell you.

That you follow your intuition, represent it courageously and thereby achieve a sovereignty in the courtroom that you never imagined in the relationship.

What are your thoughts on this, sweetheart? I welcome your comment here below this article.

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