​Do you have the feeling – or has he already told you – that he wants to ruin you financially? Now it’s time to keep calm!

Absolutely.

First of all, take a sober look at what kind of toxic ex-partner you are dealing with: Is yours more of a lazy good-for-nothing bum who lived off you and your salary for years and lived like a maggot until you broke up? For whom you have paid everything, because the eternal, maddening arguments have worn you down, in which he could artfully twist every word, only to be left out of the payment in the end? To whom you gave expensive gifts to put him (and thus yourself) in a good mood at least once in a while?

Or is the father of your children a wealthy, established businessman, either a manager or self-employed, or a well-known celebrity who kept you down in the relationship so that you would be dependent on him not only emotionally, but also financially?

In both cases, at least one such saying comes from these guys when you break up: “You’ll regret this! I’m going to ruin you! You will pay for this!”

While I don’t want to put undue additional stress on you right now, it is indeed likely that a toxic man, in his narcissistic rage, will try to pull off just that.

If he is a low-income earner, he can take one case after another with legal aid at government expense. If he is rich, he doesn’t care if he has to spend a few thousand euros on court costs. If he is very stingy, however, that would be even more of an indication that he will not go to the extreme.

It’s enough to give you the heebie-jeebies when you hear something like that!

His strategies

Of course he will first try to get your child into the alternating residency model, so that he does not have to pay any or at least significantly less child support. If he meets with resistance, he will try to get a family report to prove your lack of parenting ability.

If this does not turn out to be favorable, then he will initiate a counter-assessment.

And again and again court cases. Because of everything and nothing.

And you? You will have to find a lawyer, even if you didn’t have the slightest desire to go to court. After all, when you moved out, you were the one who kept your cool so as not to enrage him unduly.

No, you’re not one to make a ruckus! He wants an extra day or two during the week? Fine by me. He wants to keep the nursery with the built-in closet you had specially carpentered? Okay, it won’t fit in the new apartment anyway. He can’t pay the agreed maintenance at the moment because the order situation is bad? Exceptionally.

With a toxic Ex-partner it is only a matter of time until you are in court with him. It is quite possible that he first exploited your goodwill in the first year of separation by letting the sword of Damocles of a lawsuit hover over your head.

If the child is then with him disproportionately often, the conditions are good and – bang – the invitation from the court lands in your mailbox. At the latest now you have to look for a good legal counsel. Because now it’s all about the sausage, my dear!

An alternating residency model with a toxic Ex partner is to be avoided at all costs.

It’s good if you keep your nerve then and don’t let yourself be intimidated.

In my Facebook group of Strong Moms, there are some women whose toxic Ex is even a lawyer. How unfair! Nevertheless. Even lawyers can’t get away with everything. They may have a home and knowledge advantage, but they don’t own the law and their crude worldview.

If he goes overboard with the 100,000th motion, then discuss with your legal counsel a motion to deny his motion on the grounds of wantonness. Because even the most biased judge will have to admit at some point that he cannot blame the highly conflictual parents as a whole, but in your case one of them alone keeps the kettle boiling. And to reject their ridiculous little requests.

There is just one catch – it won’t be long before your wallet is already empty.

Court costs, expert opinions and lawyers’ fees of 10 – 20 thousand euros per party are not uncommon.

It is a shame that society – represented by the courts and their judges – allows aggressive psychopaths to wantonly drive their ex-partners and mothers of their children into financial existential distress – in addition to the already great emotional burden in the toxic parents’ everyday life.

But this thinking keeps us in powerlessness, because we ourselves have no possibility to change this concretely. At least not in the here and now (if you see a corresponding petition, please sign it!).

Now does this mean that you should have stayed with him?

Are you kidding? You don’t really think so, do you? A relationship with a toxic person is hell. The time after being in a relationship with a toxic Ex is like a hell ride at first, but then it gets better. Guaranteed. You have a lot more options afterward:

• You can seek help more openly by joining focused moms groups (spoiler alert: mine for example 😉 ).
• You can build your own network.
• The secrecy stops weighing on your soul. There’s also something honest about an open war, the cards are all on the table.
• And last but not least: You can much more freely explore opportunities to make more money.

Your financial independence should be at the top of your priority list

Firstly, your goal must be to quickly reduce any debts you may have or to avoid building up consumer debt in the first place. Next, arm yourself and build up a cash cushion for court proceedings.

Even if he hasn’t gone to court yet – count on it! If you know the biggest threat is coming from the corner, prepare for it.

It will give you a very reassuring feeling if the cushion is well filled. Then, once again, when he stands in front of you with a flushed, raging face and threatens you with financial ruin, you just shrug your shoulders and retort, “Uh-huh.”

So how do you end up with a well-filled cash cushion?

That’s the silver lining to a seemingly hopeless situation: you have to get creative and come up with something! So ask yourself:

• What am I particularly good at, and how can I sell it in the easiest possible way?
• What career steps can I still take?
• What special knowledge complements my know-how just perfectly, how can I build it up?
• If you are already self-employed: What do I have to do to sell my service or my products more?

The One Thing you should not do

Remain anxious for years or keep your income levels just low enough for fear of having to pay the legal aid and the costs of the expert opinion, which have been deferred for you so far.

This will only keep you small and dependent on the toxic whims of the Ex. It’s better to focus on the mountain of debt and build up a mental stink finger inside so that your Ex can cross you in court. Let him file his toxic petitions – you will not have your integrity and dignity taken away from you in court!

You can practice this – for example with my up and coming Court Royal program, which I now offer not only 1:1 in private coaching, but also online.

You can learn the tools I recommend at your own pace and you can use them again and again. That’s because my clients have lifetime access to the program content. Also, keep an eye out for my regular webinars on this. If you’re subscribed to my FeelBold Friday, you’ll automatically be notified when the next one takes place.

Finally, let me tell you: he may try, but he can never ruin you. You’re just too smart for that.