So, my dear, are you still at the stage where you tiredly brush off my inquiries about your dating life because you’re still recovering from your last relationship?

Then this article is not for you.

This blog post is for you if you’ve found your dream partner*, you want to move in together and you’re now faced with squaring the circle:

How are we going to make this work – with all our children and our Ex-partners?

There’s no question about it – simple is not always easy.

After all, there are suddenly a whole host of lively aspects that are difficult to think about – and that can really drag you down if you’re not careful.

For example:

• How is your toxic Ex coping with the situation of you having a new lover and partner?
• How is your new partner’s ex coping with your relationship?
• How do the – possibly completely manipulated – children behave when everyone is together?
• How will your young love hold up when things get heated in court, your toxic ex pulls out all the stops and you would even consider hell to be a more pleasant place?
• And do you have any time left for yourself when the children are away?

Maybe you’re also thinking: “Phew. Isn’t it all terribly exhausting?”

With this article, I aim to encourage you not to be discouraged. A blended family has incredibly beautiful and enriching potential for you, especially if you’ve always dreamed of having a family of your own!

I also believe that a blended family with a toxic Ex on the other side can work well if you keep a few – very important – things in mind:

As always, it’s about a) the scope of each relationship, and the role you play in them, and b) your boundaries.

The scope of each relationship

In the German Club of Courageous Mothers, there are one or two women who struggle when their child rejects their new partner, which affects the overall household atmosphere. Whenever they ask me what they can do, I typically respond:

“Nothing.”

Always remember one thing: you can’t heal the relationship between two other people or single-handedly make it positive.

You can only influence and shape your own relationships.

Of course it would be nice if your child loved their new partner as much as you do!

But that’s not how it works.

Your new partner doesn’t have the job of being the father. He is – especially at the beginning – your friend, your lover, your partner.

Your child now has a wonderful opportunity: they have an additional caregiver in close proximity from whom they can learn or emulate. It’s another caring adult they can trust.
It is an offer.

Whether he accepts the offer is up to him.

And you can’t really expect your partner to love your child as much as they love their own.

The potential for a bond between them was initiated by you, but how the connection between the former strangers develops is ultimately up to them.

You can pull or push as much as you like – but the bond is formed by the two other people. You have merely brought them together in a “room”.

So your child can shape this bond themselves or not take in what your partner throws at them.

However, your child certainly has no say in whether your new husband should leave because his dad is against it or thinks he’s a douchebag – or because he still secretly hopes that you and your toxic ex will get back together!

Leaving him because of your child’s dislike doesn’t automatically make you a better mother, especially if he’s truly an amazing and empathetic partner!

And that’s the line you have to draw.

Your child has a right to their own relationships: With friends, their sports coach, neighbors, aunt, grandpa, scout leader, etc.

Just like you: you also have the right to your own relationships – with your friends, your sister, your colleagues, your neighbors and with this man.

Both of you – you and your child – should respect this. It’s your job to teach your child that you have equal rights.

If your child is experiencing negative and confusing emotions, it’s important for you to help them cultivate a different, compassionate perspective.

Curiosity is key here.

Invite the child to get to know the other person with curiosity. To look deeper than just the external and visible. And to accept that there are men other than their own father who tick, think and act differently.

As I said, it’s a huge opportunity for your child.

But ultimately they have to realize this for themselves.

A blended family is an opportunity to rethink and “create” a family

Some people talk about years of work.

I’m talking about creating a feat.

Something completely new is created, which you and your partner strengthen over the first few years, but also continue to shape until the last child has moved out.

This piece of art is a network of numerous interconnected relationships.

Some relationship bonds are thin and fragile – for instance, when two people don’t really like each other. Other bonds are extremely broad, flexible and supported by mutual sympathy. These bonds strengthen over time or become increasingly flexible and stretchy.

This masterpiece is made up of people who change and continue to mature.

Each person in this piece of art has their own personality, which adds an additional color to the weave of your unique family tapestry.

Did Michelangelo create his David in one day?

No.

He chiseled away at his statue for more than 2.5 years until it was finished.

Your blended art piece takes time, sweetheart. Take the pressure off yourself, especially if the children are bickering or verbally rejecting the new partner.

​

Clarify your expectations for yourself

Be aware of what you hope and want from your blended family. What are your non-negotiables? If you haven’t figured it out, ask yourself: what is most important to you?

Consider your most important core values as well. They are always essential, but particularly crucial in blended family situations as they assist in defining your boundaries.

I have an idea for you, if you haven’t already thought of it yourself:

Why not collaborate on creating a family “manifesto” together, integrating your values and all the elements that are important to you? This will help guide you through stormy times over the coming years.

The manifesto then hangs exposed on a wall, which you walk past again and again so that the rules are not forgotten.

This manifesto represents your vision, which ideally will be bolstered by love, goodwill, and confidence. All of these will contribute significantly to the success of this feat.

No matter how interwoven and colorful it will look later.

Take courage, sweetheart – you can do it!

If you are already raising a blended family, how is it going for you at the moment? What plans do you have for the future after reading this blog article?

I look forward to your comment below. Cheers!

*Regarding your ideal partner: Don’t settle for anything less than the best. You deserve only the most exceptional man who truly fulfills you!

​