Sweetheart, one of the first things a mother with a toxic Ex must learn after separation is the art of letting go.

Letting go of all that is out of her control. What she can no longer control.

Now we moms are so hardwired anyway to organize and check on everything and make sure it all works out. If you’re a project manager or event planner, you know exactly what I mean, right?

We want to be able to assess as best we can what’s going to happen so we can intervene in time to prevent the worst from happening.

That may work reasonably well at work now, though. If the team is good, everyone has an interest in making the project or event a mega success.

At work, as a manager on important, costly projects, you usually have the backing of your superiors as well. This is an important lever to enforce your wishes and ideas of good work results and their punctual fulfillment in the team, with suppliers and service providers.

You then experience yourself as quite successful – because everyone has joined in and pulled together.

This is not the case after a separation, when the long-term well-being of your child is at stake.

Maybe it worked out in the relationship that you were able to show your organizational skills, because your toxic ex was not interested in whether the children’s birthday party should be organized this way or that way or how the next big family reunion should be organized with all the trimmings.

He let you do it, disinterested, at most laughing at you when something didn’t work out the way you wanted it to.

He may not have cared which kindergarten or elementary school you chose for your child, because they have the best teachers and do especially nice things with the children, which come closest to your idea of an ideal childhood and knowledge transfer and encouragement.

You’ve done and done, you’ve been busy, you’ve put out fires, you’ve always been there – unshakeable in the belief – already very well confirmed in your professional environment – that you’ll get it right.

And he: casually waving as always. It doesn’t matter – what are you worrying about?

This cool attitude changes abruptly when you leave a toxic partner with the common child

The upcoming child support payment may certainly be an important criterion, which is why the child’s father suddenly opens his eyes and wants to cover half of the childcare time.

But with a toxic-narcissistic Ex-partner there is more behind it: You’ve become the enemy, and he won’t let you get away with anything.

The two of you are definitely no longer pulling together (although he didn’t pull together then either, he had only apparently touched the proverbial rope of raising and accompanying children).

But now he goes on the offensive. And questions everything, really everything you do and have planned for the child.

And suddenly you find yourself in a dynamic environment, which is not at all orderly and structured according to plan.

Someone from the outside might think: “That’s logical – it’s not a project from your job!

But if you are still at the very beginning of your journey, this is an important mindset shift that you first have to mentally manage.

There is no boss (or judge) who has your back and gives a reprimand or warning to another project team member (your ex) after your hint, because he does not keep to the given task, i.e. to accompany the child carefully and mindfully.

Your toxic Ex just does or says what he wants – and no one intervenes!

Everyone in the courtroom seems to watch mutely, while your Ex presents himself as a poor victim, whom the child mother wants to withhold the child from, and lies everything down so that the beams bend twice, and there is no one who says with the flat hand on the table and clearly: “Now it’s time to stop this theater!

You stand next to it and grab your head.

This can’t possibly be true?

At this point you have to learn to let go. Let go of your urge to have to fix this.

Let go of the urge to control the outcome.

Let go of your belief that you can control the whole process with 100% correct behavior.

The latter is a nasty mental trap anyway. You make yourself extremely crazy with it.

Because which behavior is always, in every case, 100% correct?

Which statement that you make will always end up 100% correct with the judge – or the other parties involved in the proceedings?

There is not one type of judge or one type of youth welfare office employee or one type of opposing counsel!

There are many, many dynamic factors in family court proceedings that you have zero control over.

Especially not what your Ex says or does or what the other parties conclude or secretly think.

Exactly the same applies to the other side!

Now you understandably have the urgent desire to protect your child. From all the stress, from the quarrel, from the Ex and his actions.

Unfortunately, this will only be successful to a limited extent, as long as things are getting heated and your toxic Ex is starting one court case after the other, even though your child urgently needs peace and stability in the residential model.

In the meantime, it has become customary for judges to hear even smaller children directly.

If the judge wants this, you will not be able to prevent it.

That’s the next level, where you have to learn to let go.

It’s as clear as day that your Ex is going to be drumming his wishes into the little kid during his visitation time.

I’ve heard from mothers that even the youngest ones can parrot complex visitation patterns, like that four-year-old who said he wanted to be “five-sevenths with daddy.”

Should that scare you? Why? Don’t you think such trained sayings could fall flat on the toxic Ex’s face?

I know it’s hard, but unfortunately you don’t have to care what your little kid tells the judge.

You can’t control what comes out of your offspring’s mouth anyway.

Even if the child is older and conflicted about his loyalty

If he tells the judge something he thinks is his own wish, but you know 100% that this supposed wish would completely turn your child’s life upside down and result in a worse childhood, then you must put this clearly into words afterwards and argue it as soon as you are heard.

By all means, refrain from “editing” the child yourself beforehand.

By all means, trust your good relationship and bond between you – only those parents who don’t have one obviously need to resort to manipulation.

The child is still so innocent!

If we as adults already do not know how to act properly in such exceptional situations – which is what a court case is now in the life of a family – how should your child know?

Please let go. He is allowed to make mistakes.

You too, by the way.

And you will certainly make some. Please be kind and indulgent with yourself, will you?

Also, please trust that, as a rule, the professionals in the courtroom want to do a good job and can also evaluate children’s testimony.

That being said, it can certainly be stressful for a child to have repeated official hearings – but isn’t it generally a positive thing for a judge to want to get to know the child and form his or her own opinion?

Isn’t that even fairer in the eyes of a child?

So: what can you do now – because you don’t want to stand helplessly by now?

Bottom line: focus on a good relationship and your good bond with the child! Give him the peace and the place of retreat that he needs most in this phase of high conflict between his parents.

Don’t talk badly about the Ex in his presence – not even at the coffee table with your girlfriends when the children are playing in the next room.

Take the burden and pressure off the older child’s shoulders to make an unkind statement that could be interpreted as a lack of love toward a parent.

Teach your child to notice and be able to articulate his or her feelings. By learning to notice your own feelings first and being able to articulate them.

Your child learns so much from you by not even having to say that many words! Just by your attitude!

And, following his hearing, trust that your opinion and good reasoning will carry more weight. Because you are the mother.

How do you see it, sweetheart? Was your child heard, what did he tell? What came out of it? The more experiences we gather, the better! Merci!