How to get your narcissistic ex to do what YOU want


I can’t even count how many times I get emails or read posts where a stunned mother with a toxic narcissistic Ex writes that she desperately needs tips on how to get the irresponsible Ex to do what is right for the child.

Have you been wondering the same thing? You see – you are in the very best company!

There are several aspects to this that I’d like to break down in more detail in this blog post.

Let’s start with the first aspect:

I know what’s right for the child, and I want to enforce that.

This is one of the aspects that is most offensive to the support system. Who can claim to always do the right thing when it comes to our children?

However, we are usually dealing with a man on the other side of the parenting relationship who is suspected of having a narcissistic personality disorder and accordingly lacks any compassion, often coupled with a lack of sense of responsibility.

And that is exactly what gets to us!

As mothers, we stand by stunned and never thought that we would have to explain to the father of our child that the child should wear sunscreen and a cap in the summer and gloves and sturdy shoes in the winter.

Or that certain medications need to be administered regularly.

Or that the child should wear a seat belt.

Or should ride a bicycle with a helmet.

Or should not be dragged to mass events at Corona times.

These are all things and situations that common sense should tell you.

In addition, there are many, many other questions that one would normally clarify in cooperative parenthood, if there were a healthy, trusting parenting level:

When the child should go to bed, how many sweets he can eat, and how long he should sit at the computer or game console.

However, since in our situation with a toxic-narcissistic Ex-partner we can only dream of a cooperative parental relationship, we are left with parallel parenting.

In other words, everyone does their thing in their contact time and keeps the ball in their court.

With one exception: if the child’s life is in danger.

I’m sure you’ll agree that it makes a big difference whether the child jumps around the playground in the summer without any cream on, or doesn’t reliably get his diabetes insulin injection. Or the child’s father doesn’t have his impulse control under control.

Then you have to act and discuss with your lawyer what legal options you can obtain in your highly individual situation. You may even have a good chance of getting sole custody, or at least partial medical custody.

Then you would have the law on your side, but there would 100% still be other things coming up that your toxic Ex won’t do.

Choose your battles wisely!

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One more aspect would be:

Give me a counter-manipulation guide

Some moms with a toxic Ex actually consider going into battle with the same weapons, and dabble in manipulative tactics.

After all, if the Ex is psychologically disturbed, surely there are some psychological tricks and gimmicks you could use to get him to do what you want.

Sure there are.

A very popular tactic is to present desired actions to the ex in such a way that he has the feeling that he came up with the idea himself (so that his oversized ego doesn’t get confused).

And if he is against everything you think and do as a mother on principle, then you could make the desired behavior seem like you are against it.

It’s called reverse psychology.

I call it manipulation.

And that doesn’t work in the long run, especially in the very important issues that will eventually end up in court, when sooner or later you’ll have to explain yourself there and then quickly become untrustworthy.

Tell me what to do and I’ll do it – as long as he stops!

In general, the fundamental attitude that there could be a recipe or a manual or a direction with which one can influence the actions and ways of thinking of others and be 100% successful when strictly following the same, must be questioned very carefully.

This attitude, in fact, keeps the focus on all the others to whom you give the mental power that your life is bad or even unhappy.

And it is precisely this mindset that keeps you helpless!

You never have control over others – but only over yourself.

Over your actions.

And first of all over your thoughts and beliefs!

Nobody can take that away from you – not even me.

As soon as you have recognized this and can let go, you have taken a considerable step forward.

A real milestone!

Do you want to feel confident about managing child hand-offs with your toxic ex?


This means in summary

Depending on your level of helplessness right now, you can tell where you currently stand on your journey after breaking up with your narcissistic Ex.

The more helpless and desperate, the more likely you are still at the very beginning.


Sure – even the “old hands” in my community have flashbacks from time to time where they shake their heads and wonder, “How could he?!”

However, this is then rather a relatively short-lived thought that quickly passes again.

Because that’s just the way he is.

You have let go.

You’ve let go of all kinds of things:

From the belief that you can change it.

They have let go of the belief that others must think and feel exactly as they do as empaths.

They have also let go of the energy rope that a highly toxic Ex throws every now and then to supply themselves with negative energy.

They have also let go of the belief that they alone are responsible for their child’s happiness and carefree childhood.

And in doing so, they have let go of a great deal of control.

You can see from this list that this is not an overnight transformation.

But this list describes the path that every mother with a toxic Ex must take if she wants to be sovereign and happy again.

Because THAT is THE difference between a mom who has progressed and a mom who is still at the very beginning of her journey.

A mother who is still relatively at the beginning wants to be served tips and tricks and tactics on what she should DO to get him to do this or that.

A mother who has already made significant quantum leaps in her transformation has let go and knows that frantic action itself will not solve the problem.

The problem especially doesn’t solve itself when you keep the focus on others and want to control what they do or say.

The only way you can move forward is to keep the focus on yourself.

And that, admittedly, is a pretty tough nut to crack – especially at first.

After all, HE is doing these outrageous things – or HE refuses to do this or that.

He can’t or he’s not allowed to do that! That is a scandal! Isn’t there a law somewhere that forbids him to do that?


But the more you get involved in a fixed action, the more you get upset about it.

I would like to accompany you mentally so that you find your inner clarity and you become more and more “indifferent” to the actions of your Ex.

And you can learn all the things I listed above by yourself.

This is possible!

Take a look at it and think about it, if you don’t want to focus and reposition yourself now, or if you want to slowly teach it all to yourself painstakingly over the next few years.

You always have a choice, sweetheart!

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