There you are, sitting in the courtroom, and you can’t believe it – you feel like your back is against the wall and your lawyer next to you can’t get his mouth open! Do you have to change lawyers?

He made such a good impression at the meeting!

Especially since you were really more careful in your last search than you were the very first time, when you were still glad that you had found someone at all who was reasonably nice.

The first lawyer back then, however, had a lot on her plate and wasn’t really committed, according to your feeling. Maybe she simply underestimated your toxic opponent and wanted you to come to an agreement in mediation.

But at that time you didn’t have a clue yourself and had to trust someone who knew the court business.

You were already uncomfortable with the noise and the nagging of the ex, and you had the feeling that you were bothering the stressed lawyer excessively with your affairs when you had to call her again because the ex had been so insolent.

In the first court hearing came the big disillusionment.

Your lawyer next to you hardly said anything. Nor had she really prepared you for what awaited you. 

The matter-of-fact sobriety of the judge, but also the noticeable attention of the arguments towards the child’s father (“They believe him – not me!”) and your literally helplessness (because the lawyer next to you was really no help) made the first trial a traumatic experience.

How will you ever be able to protect your child if not a single person in the courtroom steps into the breach for you and tries with all available means to achieve the best for the child?

And how are you supposed to know your way around and avoid mistakes without a defense attorney?

Do you have to learn family law for the child or do you have to study law in order not to make a mistake?

There are probably one or two mothers who initially represented themselves in court, even though they are not lawyers, because there is no lawyer requirement in family court.

Don’t do that, sweetheart.

Even though in this blog article I critically address the fact that some attorneys don’t really get involved in high-conflict cases and make harebrained mistakes that can hardly be punished – e.g., missing important deadlines or not keeping on top of their administration so that you see important court documents too late and therefore can’t prepare – I implore you in your own best interest not to go up against your toxic ex in court alone.

Yes, it is not uncommon for you to have to change lawyers two or even three times in the course of your family court proceedings – and there is no shame in that!

Quite the contrary.

These are mother lion qualities!

Because you realize that you owe your child the best support you can get. It’s his childhood!

No one will ever prosecute the lawyer later because he missed an enormously important deadline that you didn’t even know was running!

And your child will have to pay for it.

I would also like to assure you that you yourself deserve the best lawyer. And you don’t have to settle for less!

But beware: the best lawyer is not necessarily the most expensive one!

The best legal counsel is someone who understands, just as you do, what is at stake – nothing less than your child’s childhood! 

Especially when it comes to the alternating residency model for younger and very young children.

The best legal counsel can explain to you what and why it makes sense in your very special case to participate in an expert opinion. And he can conclusively resolve your objections – which you can read here – without you having the feeling that he doesn’t really want to go the extra mile to prevent the expert opinion.

Of course, it is better if your lawyer steps into the breach in advance, even if it has not yet happened in this court that an expert opinion could be prevented argumentatively beforehand.

It would be great if your counsel briefed you prior to a hearing and allowed time for a brief tactics discussion.

It would be phenomenal if your legal counsel scheduled time right after a hearing to discuss the outcome with you and do an analysis of what the best next steps are now.

It would also be good if you feel in the courtroom that he / she is doing the unpleasant part for you, so that it is not you who makes yourself unpopular with the judge, but rather he or she! 

In other words: You act as a team on the same level as each other.

When you finally find someone like that, you will feel a tremendous tailwind. Even if the guardian ad litem is in bondage to the fathers’ lobby and the judge feels sorry for the poor father of the child – you are no longer alone!

Therefore: Take your time and choose your next lawyer with utmost care!

No, she does not have to become your next best friend! A respectful, friendly, and most importantly, fair business and team relationship is what you are striving for.

For the sake of completeness, I would like to tell you what for me would be absolute alarm signals and would speak for changing lawyers:

• Disinterest
• speech “from above
• but also: too young and inexperienced (unless you are already so experienced that you can coach your lawyer, and he/she only provides the academic expertise)
• a lawyer who does everything for money and has no principles

Many mothers think that they can’t claim with legal aid anyway and only bad lawyers work on VKH. And the famous star lawyer, who takes 1000 € in the hour, can enforce everything in a whoosh, for which he is paid.

This is by no means the case.

I have witnessed cases in which greedy and extremely expensive lawyers caused insane expenses for desperate mothers and still managed nothing to really help her – let alone the child.

So a lawyer’s high fee schedule doesn’t really guarantee a victory tour through the court cases that await you with a toxic Ex.

And yet I recommend you to pay the lawyer without VKH if possible, so that the amount of work your legal counsel has to do in your case is compensated appropriately. 

Then you will be on an equal footing with him or her, since VKH only covers a fraction of the costs that a complex case causes the lawyer. It takes a lot of idealism to want to go through with such a case!

It’s better to organize yourself in such a way that you prepare the documents and data perfectly – e.g. with my Court Royal program – so that you save the lawyer time and thus money and he doesn’t have to dig through every toxic mess.

Choose your lawyers wisely

By the way, a particular lawyer can do you a super service on the issue of property gains in divorce or alimony – but do you a disservice on the issue of access.

Therefore, you can consider splitting these tasks among at least two lawyers right from the start instead of having to change lawyers later. Money matters are almost “harmless” compared to terrible contact agreements, which your child will have to pay for in the end, and which you will have a hard time getting out of later.

Better to choose the child support specialist (if there’s a lot of money involved) and another specialist for access and custody who knows about toxic adversaries.

Bottom line.

Yes, you will learn a lot on your journey with toxic child father. And make mistakes in choosing an attorney – yet giving up is not an option!

Changing attorneys multiple times – analogous to your Ex’s toxicity – is quite common and no reason to feel ashamed or guilty! 

Quite the opposite.

Please always decide based on the possibilities, and never out of fear of what others might think of you.

There is simply too much at stake here.

What is it like for you? Have you had to change lawyers several times? If so, please comment below this article so other moms know: this is very normal with a toxic Ex. 

Thank you from the bottom of my heart! ❤️