When you become estranged from your own friends

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​Do you feel that there is no one left in your circle of friends who understands you and stands by you in this biggest crisis of your life?

Even if you still meet up with a friend now and then, or get invited to parties?

Do you look around and realize you’ve lost that carefree familiarity with your friends?

What’s wrong with you?

After all, your friends are still the same – and they haven’t even explicitly sided with your toxic Ex.

And yet – the feeling of alienation is spreading more and more, and yet it’s not so tangible.

You feel like they can’t relate to what you’re going through.

How could they? If they haven’t had a person with narcissistic personality disorder in their own environment until now, they will have a hard time seeing the complex and very subtle connections. And that’s what makes it so incredibly difficult to explain.

You get tired and resigned because you can’t find the point for a deeper conversation.

Sweetheart – I am totally with you.

Let me tell you:

This is all perfectly normal

Can you still remember the time when you had to move away for your studies or training? Or when you found the love of your life and got married? And then when you got pregnant?

Apart from the fact that these events ushered in exciting and happy new phases in your life, each time you will have left certain friends behind mentally.

There will have been close friends from school who didn’t go with you when you moved to the next city for college.

There will have been girlfriends who didn’t fall in love and get married at the same time.

And there will have been couples of friends who didn’t get pregnant with you at the same time, but waited a few more years and wanted to have a “career” first.

Who couldn’t do much with you after this entry into a new stage of life.

And vice versa.

There are friendship fractures at all stages of life.

Without any previous quarrel or a dramatic situation that led to the break off of friendship.

I see these losses more on a mental level.

Either you’re evolving, or you’re spinning yourself in circles and not moving forward one step.

Depending on how your friends are clocked, they are already ahead or mentally behind you.

Then it just gets difficult to have a feeling of deep connection.

That hurts – especially when you remember the beautiful, connected, fun experiences you had together – as partners in spirit and soul.

That golden period of time when you feel on the same level, have a common denominator, with at least one person you don’t have sex with. Who says what you’re thinking, and says exactly the right thing when you’re down.

The first, broad, common denominator is school. Then there’s training or studying. Then it gets thinner – in the new, exciting job in a new city. Then the wedding (“How stuffy! What’s wrong with her? Didn’t we vow never to get married?”) and finally the first child.

On your own, remember the focus and issues you had at the beginning of each new stage of your life.

“Oh, what a great man! Imagine what he whispered to me in confidence the other day! How sweet!” and then later, “It hasn’t burped yet. I really don’t know what’s going on.” And “Oops – I didn’t bring a diaper!”

Those of your friends who weren’t exactly where you were standing at the time couldn’t follow you and reacted accordingly with mental withdrawal and eye rolling.

Should you have registered this at the time, it may have stung – but you were distracted with happiness. With a great job, a great guy or a great and sweet baby.

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​Now it’s different

You are in an earth-shattering, elementary emotional crisis. No, it’s not just heartbreak like the one you had with Daniel in 9b.

After a narcissistic love affair, everything is in turmoil. You’ve looked into the emotional pit of hell and feel like you’ve just escaped. And yet the man is still reaching for the child and around him is an accusing, empathy-less armada of supporters.

Yes, doesn’t anyone see this but you?

Right now, you need friends to help you sort through and process this emotional stress. Right?

In the height of the crisis, however, that’s a lot to ask of your average girlfriend, don’t you think? She feels powerless and helpless when she sees what you’re going through.

Not to mention the girlfriends who themselves have a tendency towards narcissism.

They just shake their heads and judge you anyway, so you avoid contact pretty quickly of your own accord in order not to feel even worse.

In the peak phase of the crisis you need tangible, professional help from third parties.

Who accept you as you are, who believe you and who help you to take a new perspective. And above all, who do not judge you and your decisions.

In other words: You need a therapist if you have to cope with the trauma that occurred during the relationship with the toxic Ex and you feel that you have slipped into depression.

But you also need a coach (Warning: Spoiler Alert!) who can help you with practical mental aids in your daily life, so that you can move forward in this particular situation despite everything.

You also need a support network for all the little questions of everyday life. You are more likely to find this in groups and mothers’ forums, where – and this is important! – mainly other mothers who are in a similar situation to you – can exchange ideas.

I myself am offering limited slots for one-on-one coaching on an international scale. You can take this up if you want to get down to business now and intensively develop yourself faster over a period of a few months.

In the end, ideally, your goal is to get out of the deep trough of the wave and to have learned to swim at the top of the crest of the wave despite the toxic Ex.

And again, this heralds a new phase:

Do you want to feel confident about managing child hand-offs with your toxic ex?

 

​The stage of life after the deepest crisis from which you have matured

Along with your inevitable evolution as a mother with a toxic ex-partner, with all of your hurts, your realizations, your experiences in court, and your discovery of your greatest inner treasure, comes the realization that your previous friends can no longer keep up.

You have learned on your journey to pay close attention to your self-worth and self-care, so you meditate regularly. You keep a journal to pull yourself out of mood and anxiety swings on a regular basis. You’ve developed a courageous attitude of your own, one that allows you to buck common social norms when it’s indicated for your child. And you’ve learned to set boundaries and insist that they be respected.

You have become a new person. Every now and then you look in the mirror in disbelief and think, “Wow – what a difference from the woman you were 6 months ago!”

Of course, the basis of your previous friendships from your life before is no longer there.

What are you supposed to do with people who are always going around in circles and who don’t share your newfound values? Or have never shared them either, which is the last thing you noticed?

Do not grieve – but be thankful!

If this is all normal and due to the flow of your own development, then you don’t have to be sorry about it, but can go on to be deeply grateful to these people for having accompanied you for so many years and for having walked your path with you.

But now you have to move on alone. So long and all the best for you!

Don’t worry – you won’t be alone!

Because in your new phase of life post-inferno you will meet other people who are also standing where you are now and who can mentally pick you up exactly there.

Keep your eyes and your heart open and look around.

I am convinced that these friendships, which are still waiting for you, will be much deeper and more beautiful than anything that has existed so far.

Let yourself be surprised.

 

Tell me, sweetheart, where are you currently with your friendships? Write me a comment below, I’m looking forward to it!

 

 

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