I’ve lost count of the times moms with a toxic ex-partner have approached me with the same dilemma: “Heidi, what should I do? My ex refuses to sign his consent, and the daycare around the corner is highly sought after. I’m worried about losing my spot and not being able to start my job.”

Replace the daycare with a crèche place, after-school care place, preferred school or therapy place for the child.

The tactic is always the same: He lets you starve on his outstretched arm. Or to put it another way: he’s got you hanging on to the energy rope and is calmly holding on to it while you’re almost going crazy at the other end.

Right?

Who do you think has the upper hand in this arrangement?

And which pathological narcissist doesn’t enjoy being in a position of power and holding on to it to the hilt?

Can you see how you freely make your emotions available to him in terms of importance and meaning?

Emotion is E (= energy) in motion.

This is exactly what a narcissist needs! He needs the energy that you freely supply to him via the “signature” rope.

He doesn’t care whether the child is enrolled in the daycare center you like – because that makes it easier for you.

Otherwise he won’t have you under control and won’t be able to annoy you every day like he did when you were still together.

Ah, what a great opportunity to now be able to bully and play dumb again!

What he forgets is that, as a father, he has a duty to look after the child’s welfare and do everything he can to ensure that the child’s everyday life is as smooth and uncomplicated as possible.

Because if you have to drive an hour in the morning in heavy traffic to the daycare center on the other side of town, then the child will have to endure the same hardships every day.

But who am I kidding?

After all, YOU know that.

​So what’s the best way to deal with this?

By exuding boredom.

WTF???!

“How is that supposed to work, Heidi? This is a super important decision – how am I supposed to come across as bored?”

Still, a bored attitude is the best way to develop your confidence.

And you need confidence in everyday parenting with your toxic ex like bread and water!

Take a look at the facts:

You have joint custody with your ex – otherwise you wouldn’t have this problem.

This entails that he can – and should – contribute to all significant decisions regarding the child! He should consider what would be a preferable alternative for the child. And that isn’t necessarily the daycare center nearby if the child primarily resides with you.

If he has thus far refrained from participating in the conversation about which daycare center is optimal and now refuses to sign, then you should find the process straightforward.

In this scenario, promptly consult your legal advisor and take precautions if you suspect that he might prolong the process, particularly if your job and thus your financial stability are on the line.

And don’t delay; seek assistance from your legal advisor to petition the court for his signature replacement.

Yes, I understand, nobody wants to resort to court for every minor issue.

However, the crucial aspect here is to act promptly and not allow him any opportunity to manipulate or intimidate you, especially while the child is still young.

The court will swiftly develop an impression of the individual on the opposing side of parenthood and assess his approach to fulfilling his role as a father.

In any event, consult your lawyer. However, if he persists in playing such games whenever you need his signature, your prospects for obtaining sole custody in the future should also improve.

Ultimately, decisions in the best interest of the child cannot be made together if one party consistently refuses to cooperate.

Therefore: Stay cool!

Uninvolved. Bored.

His signature at the final signing of the child custody agreement is a formality.

If he has vehemently opposed the daycare center from the start, then this issue should have been addressed in court as well.

If you engaged him from the beginning in selecting the crèche, nursery, after-school care, or school, allowing him to voice his concerns and preferences, then you’ve fulfilled your obligations on your end.

If there is a stalemate – i.e. both your wishes and his wishes are in the best interests of the child – then the court will have to decide.

However, you can ensure that your focus remains on the child by setting a deadline for obtaining the necessary signatures. This will provide you with enough time to take necessary steps to replace the signatures without forfeiting the coveted spot.

As always:

Choose your battles wisely

Always have several options in mind.

Avoid becoming emotionally dependent on a specific kindergarten, school, or extracurricular activity for your child.

You never know what makes the teachers/coaches/educators tick until the child is there and has experienced it.

Trust that everything will be fine

Trust that your child will definitely have a place at kindergarten.

Trust that your child will definitely get a good education.

Trust that after a closed door, other opportunities will open up for you and your child.

You, sweetheart: Your ex’s signature doesn’t matter!

But isn’t that an interesting experience for you?

Don’t you realize that it shows you where you should take a closer look? That you’re still being held hostage by his attitude towards you?

It’s time you let go of that.

It starts with a decision: “I don’t want it to be this way anymore!”

I’d be happy to show you how you can find your way to such an egalitarian attitude if you allow me to coach you in the Club of Courageous Mothers.

What experiences have you had with a toxic ex refusing to sign? What helped you in the end?

I’d love for you to comment below to encourage other moms too. Thank you very much!