I get requests all the time from mothers who ask me for advice on what they can do when their toxic ex is manipulating their child to the point of alienation, so much so that the child is avoiding contact with the mother altogether.

This is simply the worst nightmare for any mom. If you are one of those moms, I hope I can give you a quick virtual hug!

In this article, I aim to explore your options and assist you in better understanding parental alienation by a toxic Ex, and what actions you can take if your child is already estranged.

When the risk of alienation is on the rise

Toxic fathers usually manipulate their children all the time.

This is a generalizing statement that I should avoid, but I am writing about toxic men, not warm, child-oriented fathers who respect their children’s mother, are careful not to confuse their loyalties, and can tolerate loving their mother as much as they do.

This would be the hallmark of attachment tolerance in parenting.

But the highly toxic father usually channels his hatred and anger toward the woman who dared to leave him (or who, after his abandonment, dared to build a good life for herself) through the child.

For the child is undoubtedly a woman’s most vulnerable Achilles heel.

One that can be struck unerringly.

Bang – look at the power I have over the child! And therefore also on you!

Many have vowed to destroy their children’s mother after separation, financially and emotionally.

​And the legal battle begins

Understandably, when such statements indicative of parental alienation are made, a mother watches the child’s contact with the father with anxious eyes and ears. She then hopes that they would see so little of each other as possible. That way, the father cannot act out his imagined control mania and rage.

The courts, however, see things differently. Even in the case of such high-conflict and toxic parental relationships, they decide in favor of the alternating residence model rather than the more appropriate residential model.

So the child is shuttling back and forth between the parents. That doesn’t really work, because the parents have to constantly coordinate even the smallest everyday things.

Without a doubt, toxic fathers can also manipulate their children in the residential model. And having no contact at all is rarely a real option for the child.

Unfortunately, there is nothing we can do to prevent our children from having bad experiences with other people – especially when it’s one of their parents!

As a result, the parents end up in court again at some point. This is because the child can’t cope with the alternating residence model and shows more and more negative psychological development.

If the alternating residence model is then revoked by the family court, the question arises:

To which of the two parents should the child’s primary residence and the right to determine the child’s residence be awarded?

An expert opinion is drawn up, various dynamics come into play, and before the mother knows it, the child has to – or wants to – move completely to the father’s home and the mother becomes the visitation parent.

This may be the best thing for the child at that moment.

If the conflict of loyalties is already huge and the child feels that the task of openly speaking out against the father is too big and absolutely overwhelming, this may be a heartbreaking situation for you. But accepting the decision is the most loving thing you can do.

If the child ends up living with the toxic father, he now has a clear path to carry out his plan of alienating you as a mother and thereby pushing you further and further out of the picture.

The (young) child either gets sick on Mommy’s weekend or cancels it when she’s older because the ex has a great activity planned for the weekend.

Resist the beginnings of alienation!

Once these signs of alienation start piling up, you need to take action. There is imminent danger. And that means: call a lawyer!

The younger the child, the sooner you must act.

If necessary, you may want to consider changing your legal counsel beforehand, as the last one who was partly responsible for you losing custodial rights is not likely to be a good fit if you decide to reopen the case.

In the meantime, document every missed visitation and the reasons for it.

Your toxic ex is only going to be able to continue to alienate you as long as you don’t get in his way.

Yes, I imagine you’re probably exhausted from the marathon legal battle that’s already behind you. And you’re thinking back with horror to all that nonsense about the biased guardian ad litem and the impossible expert.

But the younger your child is, the more important it is that you get back on the case.

And with lots of support!

I would like to offer you the Club of Courageous Mothers and Court Royal®.

Court Royal® helps you to prepare and document your next procedure in the best possible way.

In the Club of Courageous Mothers, you will find the emotional support you need to become emotionally stable and mentally prepared for the procedure.

But what if your child refuses to see you?

This often happens during adolescence and beyond.

In this case, you probably won’t achieve much by going back to court, because you can’t force other people to fulfill your desire to be close to your child if they’ve distanced themselves from you, all thanks to the father’s alienation.

The best thing you can do in such cases is to reassure your child that he or she can visit you at any time and will always find a sympathetic ear. That you love them with all your heart, but that you respect their need for distance.

And then let go and focus on your life and your future.

Accompanying a child through childhood is a phase in our lives as mothers.

It is a fundamentally important phase for all of us, but it is a defined period of time that has a beginning – birth – and an end – moving out of the house.

After that, you are and will remain a mother for life. But you are no longer the immediate companion who has to organize her day around her child.

By this time – or even better, much earlier – you should ask yourself what meaningful task you want to fulfill in your life that has nothing to do with being there for your child. One which will help you and society.

Helping others and doing good is the greatest opportunity for healing after such an experience. This may or may not be related to this topic!

Conclusion

Yes, the father has committed an emotional crime against the child if he has manipulated and alienated them to the point that they want nothing to do with you!

He shows a high degree of attachment intolerance, and for your child this means that he will have to work through this himself at some point.

Then they’ll be back at your door looking for answers – honest ones this time. And you can provide them.

Childhood is just a tiny little part of a person, Sweetheart.

Everyone can grow, move past difficult and traumatic things, and develop a new personality – it’s never too late!

That goes for you AND your child.

The good, really good, heart-to-heart conversations between you will come, don’t worry!

Trust that the bond you formed with your child in the early years is unbreakable and immune to any manipulation or attempts at alienation.

There may be times when they are completely confused and don’t know who to believe – but in the end, good always wins.

Then you will continue your relationship – deeper and more loving than you ever thought possible.

I am absolutely convinced of that.

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