​In one of my previous blog articles, I talked about why you shouldn’t allow visitation to happen in your new home.

But what if it’s not you who has moved out with the children, but your Ex?

I’d better say it straight away: in that case, find your own place and move out, unless it’s your property.

Seriously. I really mean that.

This applies to you if you have a toxic ex—someone who likely either kicked you out with the children or had other hidden motives. I’ll delve into these details further in this article.

With a supportive ex, the dynamic is different, as you’ll both gradually reconnect on a parental level after navigating through the initial emotional highs and lows.

However, if there’s even a hint of narcissistic personality disorder in your ex, you must adopt a strategic approach.

That means prioritizing setting boundaries and minimizing dependencies wherever possible.

Reason #1: Minimize Financial Dependencies Immediately

Toxic exes aim to exert control emotionally and financially over their spouses. This dynamic can leave you feeling powerless later on if not addressed early.

I understand the overwhelming nature of separation, where clear thinking can be a challenge amidst the upheaval. You may initially overlook the significance of financial independence, especially if staying in the shared home seems convenient for the kids and the familiar surroundings provide comfort.

However, consider the weight of your well-being in your decisions. Prioritizing self-care and independence is crucial for your long-term stability, which directly impacts your children’s perception of strength and resilience.

Remaining financially dependent on your ex, whether by continuing to live together or accepting financial support, can tether you to a cycle of control and manipulation. Imagine the stress of dealing with rent disputes or invasions of privacy as your ex retains access to shared living spaces.

Listen to your intuition. If the relationship felt stifling or undervaluing, anticipate similar behavior post-breakup. While immediate financial independence may seem daunting, explore alternative living arrangements, even if temporarily with family, to start reclaiming autonomy.

Plan strategically to gradually reduce dependencies over time. This may involve pursuing career opportunities or seeking legal recourse for financial support. While navigating custody battles may be challenging, freeing yourself from financial entanglements empowers you to focus on building a stable, self-directed life.

While the situation may feel unjust, redirect your energy toward your career and personal growth rather than being drawn into toxic disputes. Financial independence is key to reclaiming agency and fostering a sense of security for yourself and your children in the long run.

​Reason no. 2: The best time is now

The longer you delay, the harder it becomes. It’s best to decisively close this chapter of your life and vacate the shared apartment.

A new environment symbolizes a significant turning point. By establishing new boundaries and prioritizing self-care, you not only protect yourself but also signal this transformation to others.

Although life may feel chaotic and in need of restructuring, the upheaval of moving pales in comparison. However, after a year or two in the same apartment, mustering the resolve to uproot becomes increasingly challenging.

Addressing changes now, while you’re still in the midst of your “separation flow,” is more manageable. It allows for smoother transitions and requires less courage than larger, more abrupt adjustments down the line.

Reason number three: Old walls tell old stories

No matter how much time and effort you’ve invested in your shared space, it’s hard to forget the arguments and tension that linger within its walls.

Recalling the countless disagreements and moments of feeling misunderstood isn’t conducive to moving forward. Whether it’s the bedroom where heated discussions unfolded, or the living room where compromises were begrudgingly made, the negative energy persists.

Unless it’s your own apartment or house, which you’ve made some good memories in long before getting together with your Ex, it’s best to move on. Take steps with your lawyer to sell the property and secure your rightful share.

Your key to financial security

In conversations with many mothers, a recurring concern emerges: the fear of being at the mercy of their toxic ex, not only emotionally but also financially.

The worry isn’t just about how the ex communicates with her around the child or in writing; there’s also the looming threat of him cutting off financial support at any moment. To counter this, it’s crucial to analyze this risk objectively and devise a plan B. This will give you peace of mind and allow you stay calm and collected no matter what he does.

You can even work on setting achievable goals. For instaince, you may aim to redirecting his child support payments into a savings account just for the children by a certain date. Or you might aim for a specific monthly income.

Start brainstorming:

• How can I increase my income?
• What career path aligns with my skills and passions?
• What specific training programs or skill-building activities can I participate in, to help me move up to the next salary bracket within my company?
• What am I so good at doing, that I would allow me to start my own business on the side?

So: Don’t think that you are financially dependent on him and will always be. Instead, ask yourself: What can I do to earn more money?

Remember, you’re not stuck in financial dependency. Shift your focus to what actions you can take to secure your financial future.

What are your thoughts on this? Share your comments below!

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