I don’t read them all anymore – those bad stories about narcissistic abuse. Stories about how men manipulate and psychologically abuse their wives.

It’s killing me.

It won’t let me go. For hours or even days, I have to think about it.

Because I get “triggered” by such texts. And that is anything but good.

A trigger is a trigger. When I read a situation where at least one of the people involved (obviously, not proven) has a narcissistic personality disorder, it’s like I’m standing by and witnessing it all. And the associated emotion that the other woman (the victim) feels, I then feel as well. One on one.

If she describes crying, I have to cry too. When she has palpitations because the Ex is about to come and pick up the child, I get those palpitations too. What is he about to say? Will he rant again and pour his imaginary bucket of hate and gloating over her?

I hold my breath.

[Small insertion: How are you doing so far? Do you already feel the heaviness of the text, the tension that is settling on your mind? Listen to yourself now. Please keep reading anyway, it will get better. I promise].

At some point, my eyes refuse to read any further. The text scans, the mind adjusts, the self-protection program ramps up.

Good thing.

That my self-protection program goes up is the result of a long process of reflection. I worked hard on it. But it had to be done.

Meanwhile, the first line of a text is enough to keep me from reading it.

The web is full of such stories. Female victims who can put into words the madness they experienced.

I’m of two minds about this. On the one hand, I think it’s very important that such stories are publicized to inform the general public. And I admire the courage of these women to do so – even if they do it anonymously, the step of going public with the story is not so easy.

On the other hand – see above. I feel bad afterwards.

I feel melancholy, down, dark. It’s probably also because most of the stories are rarely brimming with optimism. One inevitably wonders: why all this? What is the way out now, what is the solution? What can I do myself?

And how do I get back into a different mood now?

I sincerely hope that at least these women who share their story with us can benefit and kick-start their healing process. And that those who have never encountered the topic before can get an idea of how things can go in relationships. Without any punches pulled.

I myself, at least, am pretty much helpless with my trigger and can barely focus on important work for the rest of the day. Either I distract myself with fun – but not exactly goal-oriented – tasks or I suddenly have a craving for chocolate. The addiction center says hello.

Oh great!

There are times when basic information is very important

When I read the first texts (in English) about why and how narcissistically disturbed personalities meet empaths and the disaster takes its course, the scales fell from my eyes.

I searched and soaked up everything that came before my eyes on Facebook and the web.

Finally I had found an explanation for the inexplicable! Finally everything made sense, it had a name, and that alone felt so infinitely good (to know)!

I was not the only one who had experienced such madness!

Bottom line, I found these insights from the texts I read to be the most essential:

• The wordlessness that makes it impossible for one to be able to describe a deeply hurtful situation. Which can then trip you up in court (or with family or friends).
• The feelings that one first perceives as confusing and now could be clarified. (No, you are not the mad one! You are only a projection screen!).
• The image of the energy vacuum cleaner or vampire.

I found pages, which had such a high level, that the target group was rather psychiatrists or psychologists – up to the smallest detail everything was taken apart and named. My head was buzzing with terms like overt and covert narcissm, dark triad, malign, gaslighting, flying monkeys, hoovering, etc.

Eventually there came a time when the words and content were repetitive and my level of understanding barely changed.

I had understood the basics, there was no need for further research.

After all, I had no intention of studying psychology or writing a doctoral thesis on narcissistic personality structures and psychological abuse.

So what do I do with all this knowledge?

The obvious thing to do is to use Midlife Boom as a turnover point and dissemination of this knowledge. But in the meantime, there are a number of good blogs on the net, which are already intensively dealing with this topic.

In any case, everything in me resists it.

And this is despite the fact that at the end of May 2017 I published a corresponding blog article with the 12 truths about pathological narcissists that I would have liked to have known 20 years earlier and which has been one of my most successful articles so far.

The main reason for my displeasure can be succinctly described in two words:

Screw that!

With every article we read or write about narcissists, we engage with them. Our thoughts circle around them all the time. We try to analyze them and get past incidents straight.

Maybe we still want to understand how a person can become like this. So we continue to analyze, additionally read articles about narcissistic parents and possibly find out that the Ex had a bad childhood.

Snap – the narcissistic perpetrator is a victim. Poor guy!

Some women still try to answer emails and disentangle a twisted line of reasoning or point out the narcissistic disorder to others.

Look, everyone! That there is a pathological narcissist! Look what he’s doing to me!

(Comes out especially well in court.)

We ourselves are breathless and on a very high emotional level during or after the event, but often also empty, as if hollowed out. We feel tired, powerless, without energy.

Or have you ever experienced feeling really good after a discussion about it, whistling as you go about your day’s work? Even if you were just pouring your heart out to your girlfriend about what the ex had gotten up to again?

The general problem we should be aware of:

We are putting our day-to-day actions at the service of the narcissist. We keep the negative energy moving. We feed it.

When we question our children and look for circumstantial evidence of narcissistic manipulation or lack of empathy toward the child, we are caught in that very negative energy.

When you go to court to punish one egregiousness or another, you feed the cycle with negative energy double and triple. Even if you get right – it is no profit for you, because you are then rid of your energy.

Small insertion: You will perhaps not get around every argument in court, because if he wants to take your children away from you, for example, danger is imminent! I mean rather the “small things”, with which you have to fight in the contact everyday life and he does not keep to any agreements. Everything clear?

If you start looking for Mr. Right too soon again, you’ll even take that negative energy into dating.

My loaded question to you: So what’s the point?

Nothing.

Neither healing, nor help, nor credibility, nor relief – and least of all a credible plea for forgiveness from the unreasonable main culprit.

All this benefits only one – the narcissist himself. He is the center of the world, everything serves his energy needs. Even if we only exchange information in forums with other affected people and the Ex doesn’t see or otherwise notice anything about it: The negative energy is everywhere and then also pulls others into the maelstrom.

I don’t want all this, damn it!

I want to bring the good into my life, success, live my destiny and develop into my best self. I want to fill my place in this world to the fullest and contribute to something higher.

But I can’t do that if I’m trapped in this negative energy and held there.

You and I, we need positive energy, and plenty of it as quickly as possible. You can generate this positive energy yourself – deep inside you. I will show you how below.

You just have to make sure that those energy vampires out there don’t get a chance to take it away from you again. Be it the Ex or anyone else.

Writes easy, doesn’t it? Maybe you’ve already come to this realization before reading this article, and now you’re thinking, “Oh great, and how do I fix this? After all, the guy has access, and I have to share custody with him.”

Honestly, sharing custody with a narcissist is no walk in the park. He will just do everything he can to continue to control you over the child and sabotage fair parenting.

That’s it.

You’ll have to swallow that toad.

Still, life has to go on. And it should get better – even (and especially!) for you.

At this point, let me ask you an elementary question:

Do you want to build a life full of positive energy, towards more joy and happiness? Or do you want to continue as you have been doing for the past few months?

Your answer is extremely important. Because it decides whether we are a good match or not.

Whether you can expect help, support or impulses from me or not.

To which category of woman do you count yourself?

1. Are you one of those women who live from one day to the next and think that they can’t change anything about the situation anyway? Such women accept unpleasant situations because they don’t know any other way. In short: they let themselves be taken for a ride. Special characteristic: The days and years slip between the fingers, without goal, without action, without power.
2. Or are you a woman, who perhaps at the moment has no clear idea of how she wants to live – but she is sure: not like this in any case! All this was not planned right now – the difficult situation is there after all and cannot be denied – but you don’t want to accept that this is it now.

You may not always know right away what you should do – but you have a strong will and a basic trust in your actions that no one can take away from you.

You need visions and goals, and you desperately want to act for yourself before you are treated. This current powerlessness is driving you crazy!

If you belong to the second category I can help you.