That’s not fair!


In all my programs, in my brave moms club, and also free events, I always ask: What are your values? And which ones exactly are at the top of your list?

One value that is always mentioned by “my” moms: Justice.

A beautiful value.

Compared to the evil people out there, who don’t give a damn whether it’s fair in this world or not, you definitely stand higher up as an honorable, honest and morally superior person, if you live and act according to this value yourself.

However, it is precisely this value that causes the most grief.

Especially when it goes to the family court.

An institution that one must assume was set up precisely for this reason: to ensure that this value is upheld and respected by all sides in our society.

And if someone violates this value and gains unfair advantages on the backs of others, this person should expect to be regulated – i.e. punished – by this institution.

If you now go to the family court with the expectation and hope that the narcissism and boundless egoism that your ex displays and carries out on the back of your child will be recognized and reprimanded by the judge, then you will have a very sobering experience.

This sobering experience may well take on traumatic effects, especially if it just touches on and thus calls into question one of your most important values, such as “justice.”

Especially if you grew up before your Ex in the good belief that it takes two to make an argument and that each of them must have something to do with it.
Then both of you will have to cope with the fact that it will take a long time in court and that it will be really expensive – both of you will have deserved that!

And woe, that speaks then one of the involved ones exactly in such a way!

(You can always tell – when you don’t know what to answer to such sayings anymore: Then one of your own beliefs is touched, which are not true – and exactly this contradiction expresses itself in extremely negative feelings and immeasurable confusion).

Family court is not about determining what is “fair.”

Even if the Ex has shown little to no concern for the child up front.

Even if he tells lies upon lies that make him look like true sunshine.

Even if your child is assigned a guardian ad litem who is clearly no longer neutral and plays to the toxic child’s father because he thinks he has to provide “justice”.

The only issue is the fact that a decision has to be made for the child, which you as parents no longer want to or cannot make.

“Hello court – we can’t agree here. Take over.”

That’s the order when a petition is filed.

So now let’s get real.

I have to admit that I have a problem with the value of justice. Because I guess I don’t believe in it – for that matter, I don’t believe in balancing justice.

I do believe, on the other hand, in authenticity, in integrity, among other things, and that we all have particular roles in certain social interactions.

I want to sensitize you to develop a sense of exactly what role you occupy and when.

And what role others occupy.

As mentioned above, the judge does not have the role of dispensing justice. But they make a decision in the custody or right of contact with the child for you parents, which should not be fair for you, but must correspond to the child welfare.

You yourself do not stand in court in the role of the victim of a narcissist and egomaniac. But as a non-neutral party in a pending decision for the child.
Do you understand what I mean?

Do you see the difference that this clarity alone brings – and saves you from possibly traumatizing yourself in court because you went in with the wrong expectation?

The value of justice means hardship

Especially if this value is very important to you and you look at everything through these glasses.

It’s enough to drive you crazy!

If you have two children, you will probably have already discovered that final justice does not exist.

One child gets one more spoonful of dessert or their piece of cake is bigger. There’s only one cherry on top – who gets it?

Or do you stand there and weigh the pieces of cake to the gram to ensure justice? And divide the cherry in two?

Invitation to the FeelBold Friday

Subscribe now to my free weekly newsletter

To the newsletter >>>

My problem with the value of justice

I think the biggest problem I have with value is that there is an assumed lack behind it.

There is only a certain measure of a thing – and if that measure is not divided 50% exactly between two people, it is already unfair.

If there are three people, then it becomes already more complicated with 33,3333333 period %.

Exactly in such a way a society develops, in which “from the cake” too little is there for all.

There is not “too little” – it is only in your way of looking at it, whether you see it as little or abundant.

May I invite you to a different perspective?

Personally, it has helped me a lot to believe in ebb and flow.

There are times and phases in life when a great many things flow toward you – and also times when many things seem to flow away all at once.

Money comes to mind first, doesn’t it? With Christmas and vacation bonuses in abundance – the tide – and after the vacations or after a slump in sales or environmental conditions (like Corona) comes the ebb.

There are companies that made a lot of profit in the pandemic – because they owned the very product portfolio that was in high demand during that time, like masks or toilet paper or delivery services or virtual video service providers.

Is that unfair? Hardly. Rather “normal,” given the circumstances.

Should we therefore shake our fist at the toilet paper manufacturer and shout “That’s unfair! He has the high tide, and I have the low tide!”

Not helpful, is it?

Do you want to feel confident about managing child hand-offs with your toxic ex?


​But what would be possible in your mind if you viewed the dynamics in court equally through the lens of the ebb and flow of the tide?

If you see that things seem to be currently flowing to your Ex, then you might also think, “Aha, that’s just his tide.”

Which doesn’t have to mean it’s automatically your low tide!

But you could keep your eyes on what good things are flooding your life, and if that’s not the case right now, believe in the ebb tide and know that the flood of better circumstances and occurrences will soon follow.

Because it’s natural.

Especially in court, I always make this observation with my female clients

After an initial period in which the narcissistic Ex can still dazzle well and is therefore granted the supposed “affection” and goodwill in court, in the long run, even at the judge’s table, at some point the clarity follows where the hare actually runs.

Then you too can observe the tide of a better dynamic development in the sense of your child.

In summary

Please take your focus away from the goal of justice, because that will bring you neither peace nor happiness as a mother with a toxic Ex.

There is no such thing as perfect justice.

Such a claim would be a bottomless pit and keep you in a perpetual state of bitterness and accusation.

After a high tide always comes low tide – and after a low tide always comes high tide. This is a natural rhythm that is not only evident at the sea, but also in our lives.

Do you yourself know phases of ebb and flow in your own family court proceedings? Anything come to mind? I look forward to your comment below. Thank you!

Invitation to the FeelBold Friday

Subscribe now to my free weekly newsletter

To the newsletter >>>