How you, as a mother, can strengthen your bond with your child, even if he or she has been manipulated by the narcissistic ex


Do you know this? Your child comes back from seeing the toxic narcissistic ex and, depending on his or her age, is cranky, whiny, angry and thin-skinned or even dismissive?

And your heart bleeds because you remember how your time with the ex was when you still had a relationship?

You know his arrogant and egoistic attitude in many situations, his unsympathetic behavior and his way of (not) solving conflicts.

It’s quite possible that his last email, in which he insulted you or tried to scare you, is still in your stomach, since you are currently in court and the issue of the right of residence for the child is about to be decided.

Everything is tightening for you, because your child just now, in this for you so sensitive moment shortly after the return, obviously refuses any proof of his love for you.

What might he have told the child about you over the weekend?

Did he “infect” the child with his hatred and anger towards you?

The child is still so small and so impressionable!

In the best case, you will be furious with your ex (anger is a clear step forward in emotion management), but in the beginning a feeling of helplessness is more the rule.

And feeling helpless is also perfectly understandable: after all, there is contact without you, and you can’t stand by and control and prevent what your ex says to your child.

There are some mothers who try to do this anyway, especially with a small child: Then the visits are carried out by the hour on the playground or the toxic ex is let into the new apartment, so that she still has the feeling of being in control of what is happening.

Sweetheart, should you still feel this way: One of the first exercises after a breakup is learning to let go.

You have no control over so many factors that affect your child throughout their childhood! And that’s even without a toxic ex!

A childminder, the teachers in kindergarten, the teachers in elementary school, the coaches in the sports club, the grandmas, grandpas and aunts and uncles, the neighbors and their children – all the people in the child’s environment have an influence on his or her thinking and belief system.

Of course, the parents are still in the forefront at the beginning. But really only at the very beginning.

Why do I always have the impression that a loving mother, who has empathically accompanied her child for several years and is an important caregiver, places her value for the child below all the other people?

As if there was nothing there?

The feeling of helplessness in this context implies exactly this attitude: I can do nothing, you can do everything.

Sure, a mother may only focus on the toxic-aggressive ex – whoever shouts the loudest is most likely to be heard – but she forgets that individuals are only single aspects in the world of influence on the child.

A teacher who spills the messy child’s satchel in front of the entire class and exposes the child to her peers is absolutely doing more damage than a child’s father telling some lie about the mother that a child instinctively senses is not true.

You can’t do anything about a toxic teacher either.A neighbor who shouts something nasty at the children playing, and the children don’t feel okay afterwards because they are not allowed to be who they are? You can’t prevent that either.

As unpleasant and mean as such situations are for a child, they are part of growing up.

They inevitably learn how to deal with them.

Even with a highly toxic father who is strict, arrogant or even disinterested.

Quite a tough school. But such fathers have always existed – with only one huge difference from today:

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Today there is a different female consciousness

Today we women are freer, more independent, more conscious, especially when it comes to basic psychological and educational principles.

We simply already know more than the generations of mothers before us.

Yes, you too!

You have already learned about narcissism, haven’t you? You already “know” how your ex ticks and which crude, broken mechanisms come to light.

So let’s calmly hold on: you are the knowledgeable one in this parenthood.

Your toxic ex will rather continue dull and blunt and resistant to advice as before – one of the characteristics of an uncurable pathological narcissism.

And now you get to hold on tight:

If your knowledge is now combined with empathy and loving understanding AND trusting confidence, then your child has an unbeatable advantage over all other children in healthy families.

Because he has guidance and direction.

He sees that there are different people: Nice, loving, indifferent and less nice and even evil people.

He learns that he can avoid some people, but not others.

Not the bad teacher (compulsory school attendance!).

The child can’t avoid the dad who says something nice sometimes, but where the child senses that something is wrong.

He has to face it.

Just like you, sweetheart.

Now you’re the adult.

Yes, even with the whole backpack full of traumas (because no one showed you how to deal with such bad or unaware people before) it is now your job as a mother to take your child by the hand and show him how to turn these unpleasant situations in his life into golden knowledge.

And how do you do that now?

You don’t have to “know” everything yet. It is enough if you are one or two steps ahead of your child.

Never underestimate your child’s spirit! Especially small and kindergarten children are wide awake in spirit and have a very good sense of the energy that you radiate – and also from all the other people around them.

If you look at my equation from above again, you already have the basis: knowledge coupled with empathy and understanding for your confused child coming out of the contact weekend.

So the only thing left for you to do is to work on your confidence and trust if you want to guide your child through this childhood better than your parents’ and grandparents’ generation.

Do you want to feel confident about managing child hand-offs with your toxic ex?


What do I mean by confidence?

By confidence I mean the goal that your child becomes a loving and happy adult.

Trusting confidence means that you stay in that confidence and trust your child, even if he or she has just come out of the weekend manipulated and has heard many lies about you.

Trust here means that you don’t question the bond and tie between you and your child.

Trust here also means self-confidence and self-assurance.

Self-confidence that manifests itself in the fact that your ex’s crude lies no longer blow your mind because you simply know what the truth behind them is.

This self-assurance doesn’t have to be formulated in words – your child senses it in your attitude, which you have internalized.

He or she senses your insecurity, your lack of confidence when you haven’t reached that level yet. And he or she is then doubly confused after a manipulative interaction.

Who should he or she believe?

How do you regain self-confidence now?

By becoming more and more sure of yourself – that is doubled now, but it has to be emphasized again.

But you will not become more sure of yourself as long as you keep staring at the toxic ex like a mouse in front of a snake. Your focus is thus fixed on the outside.

What others do (or don’t do).

What others think (or don’t think).

If you want to deal with your self-confidence and improve it, you can only get further by asking yourself questions.

Questions like: Who are you really? What do you love to do? What do you get into flow with?

If you explore these questions within yourself and live out the answers to them more and more, then you are living authentically.

And authenticity is always palpable. Especially from your child.

This authenticity becomes noticeable when you do things with your child in your contact time that YOU also enjoy.

Your thing!

If your child experiences you authentically and connected to your self, then he or she will automatically sense who you really are.

They will experience a different attitude from you in everyday life.

They will then have orientation. And they will always choose confidence, love and trust.


You have a very, very big advantage over your toxic ex, you know that?

You are the knower, the empath in this parenthood.

You are now welcome to follow this awareness with self-assurance and self-confidence.

I’m happy to work on this with you if you’d like to do so. For this purpose, I offer you the Club of Courageous Mothers – there, everything is geared precisely to this inner work.

How far are you in your self-confidence, sweetheart? Please feel free to leave a comment below so other mamas can learn along. Thank you!

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