I once asked my German group of strong mothers to find out what kind of help they found useful in the first and most difficult time, and which could help the mothers with toxic ex-partners in their greatest need the most.

One thing became very clear: It depends very much on the particular counselor/counselor whether the help was perceived as good and problem-solving – or whether it made them even more helpless and desperate!

If a counselor cannot imagine psychological abuse, she will react with incomprehension or even shrugging of shoulders – and add to the current difficult situation.

Nevertheless, don’t let this discourage you, sweetheart, and keep searching until you are noticed and heard.

Also, don’t belittle yourself “just” because you didn’t get beat up by the toxic Ex!

I’ve observed over and over again in recent years – and I’ve had the experience myself – that after emotional abuse, we think we’re way up in the victim hierarchy and better not get in that line.

After all, it’s not that bad – the other mothers who have been beaten every day and live on H4 are in much greater need than we are, and so we’d better not hog the phone lines to help centers or clutter up the diary with our pill-popping problem!

My dear, can we please agree that at least among ourselves we put emotional abuse on a par with physical abuse?

You know I’m doing everything I can to keep you from feeling like a victim, even if your toxic Ex partner is doing everything he can to keep you in it. Being a victim keeps you small and powerless, and with my work I want to encourage you to move out of your personal crisis step by step and empower yourself to get back into action through intensive head and heart work.

This also includes self-determination to make use of all offers of help that are available and that are purposeful for your situation.

However, if you get the feeling during the conversation that you have to apologize for your experiences – keep looking, but please don’t give up!

It may well be that you talk to several different counseling centers in a row. Some moms report that it took the masses to really get better eventually.

They were helped by a combination of help hotlines or a call to the local women’s shelter, information on several portals and platforms, many books and a visit to a suitable therapist. If nothing else worked, a trip to the psychiatric emergency room certainly helped.

​To be used with caution: Youth welfare office and police

We often think that the very first place to go in our time of need is the Youth Welfare Office. This is a fallacy and can be a very sobering experience.

The Youth Welfare Office usually only springs into action when the child welfare is clearly at risk, or when court orders are not being adhered to.

However, it should be your first point of contact when child support is to be determined and paid by the child’s father. You are then really on the outside, as the office takes care of it.

But in the midst of the emotional chaos? No. In that case, it is better to first seek out other offers of help and get information.

You should also approach the police with moderate expectations. Without question: If you have been assaulted by your partner, you must file a complaint! Absolutely. In this case, however, it is best to talk to a police officer.

If you notice that they want to dissuade you from pressing charges, insist on it. If necessary, make it very clear what you understand: “Do I understand correctly that you are advising me not to press charges against my beating husband? Would you say the same thing if my car had been demolished and I wanted to report property damage?”

Don’t go home without a copy of the complaint. Find a lawyer immediately afterward.

What about Caritas?

The Youth Welfare Office sends all conflicted parents to parenting counseling first. Caritas has a pretty strong presence there.

I myself went to Caritas for mediation with my ex in the early days. But actually only because it was close by and we were referred there by telephone by the youth welfare office. The person who led the talks was very nice, but the sessions were terrible for me. Nothing was named, and certainly nothing was solved.

Instead, my Ex had a lot in his hands again, which he could use against me.

Nevertheless, we should beware of sweeping judgments. Every offer of help can only be as good as the helper on the other end of the phone line.

So don’t let it get you down and keep searching!

Last but not least: Help in social networks and groups

Of course I mustn’t forget, this is absolutely part of it: the helpful exchange in Facebook groups. The more exactly the group description fits you, the better!

For example, in my Strong Moms group on Facebook, I only address moms with toxic Ex partners, whether they are single parents or already in a new partnership. As long as you are still living under the same roof with your toxic Ex-partner, the only requirement is that you have already made the decision to separate and are going through with it. The group is not suitable for pro and con considerations.

I pay a lot of attention to respectful interaction in the group. Here, no woman has to justify herself for having fallen in love with a toxic man or for having made a decision that in retrospect turned out to be wrong!

There are many helpful groups on Facebook and elsewhere. Just research with your keywords and see what Facebook offers you.

By the way: Youtube is also a very good place to look for information if you first need clarification about what narcissism actually is and how it affects you!

What kind of experiences have you had? Is there a recommendation you’d like to make to other moms on this site? Then please leave a comment below – thank you!