Should you sue for alimony?
What if I advise you not to sue for alimony?
Boah – I can already see how I’ll cause waves of indignation!
With everything I am about to give you to read, please note the following: Only you know your inner voice and can take full responsibility for your actions. I will gladly give you one or the other impulse – but the decision is always yours alone.
Yes, even if you may feel helpless because you don’t know at all what the right decision would be. You always know afterwards anyway.
There is no right or wrong. Each of your decisions is right at the moment you make it.
The main thing is that you make one at all!
At this point I would like to add the obligatory DISCLAIMER:
I am not a lawyer, although I do use my Court Royal program to help moms with toxic ex-partners mentally prepare for court cases, whether they are money or custody cases.
So please don’t take this blog as legal advice, but as food for thought so you can make an informed decision.
Or just talk to your legal counsel about it.
Now let’s talk about your money
Money is neither good nor evil.
Money is just energy.
However, money allows you to make decisions you couldn’t make without it.
For example, what neighborhood to move to because you can afford it.
Or to book an expensive nanny on the spur of the moment, when your Ex thinks he can’t take care of the kids during the vacations because he has to fly to the Maldives with the Next, and you’re in big trouble because you have to pitch a pretty expensive advertising job for your boss.
THAT is financial independence, and that should be very close to your heart and an important goal with a toxic child father.
It’s quite possible that the gracious gentleman is raking in a stellar CEO salary every month and you, as a former kindergarten teacher who stayed home for the kids for 6 years, are bringing home just a fraction of that after the separation.
But even if you are the above-mentioned marketing specialist, who even part-time still has an above-average salary (yes, such examples also exist, and these are not rare and certainly not immoral!), you already look around and think at each of his narcissistic-toxic actions:
“He can afford everything, and I look into the tube! This is so unfair!”
And your lawyer agrees with you. Yes, you would be entitled to separation or post-marital maintenance, and perhaps also to equalization of gains and this and that here and there.
Your lawyer calculates and calculates and may even come up with a really nice sum for you in the end.
A sum that would easily allow you to rent a nice middle-class apartment in a middle-class neighborhood where your children can grow up relatively sheltered without being accosted by a teenage drug dealer on the next street corner.
At least that’s your fantasy.
If you are relatively recently separated, you are certainly still licking your wounds after the toxic relationship and would prefer to have no contact at all and certainly no legal dispute with the narcissistic Ex.
But do you want to give him a financial confirmation that he has the upper hand and that everything is going according to his wishes?
Never ever! I will show him that he cannot do everything with me!
And because it is about money and not about the children, you are not so afraid and you do not make a connection between this kind of legal disputes and a custody case. Especially since your lawyer also says that these are two completely different pairs of shoes.
Yes, your chances of success may even look good for you.
I assure you that I would wish that on you from the bottom of my heart! ❤️
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It’s all about the grays though, sweetheart!
If you’ve been following me for any length of time and know my blog well, then you know that I reject premature obedience.
By that, I mainly mean that you don’t rush to sign any agreements that your toxic Ex puts in front of you when he still makes you believe that he sweetly and nicely wants an amicable separation. Or that he actively supports you in taking care of the children – which he never did before – and therefore wants to agree on the alternating residency model with you on a trial basis.
Or that you leave him the house with everything that goes with it. Or to continue paying off his debts or his car loan installments.
No, what I want from you and expect from you is that you proceed smartly – and only in close consultation with your legal counsel.
And that includes considering whether you really want to start the court merry-go-round with a child support lawsuit.
Your lawyer, you, me – we all know that a child support lawsuit has nothing to do with the kids. You also don’t feel the urge or anger inside you to want to destroy him.
You just want what’s rightfully yours. And you don’t want to look like a little idiot, who leaves the “good” money from the rich Ex behind.
Especially considering that now, as a single parent, you have to deal with a much lower standard of living and can’t give up money so frivolously.
The problem: Your toxic Ex sees it differently
Now this blog is not about the 08/15 divorce from a normal mature child father, but about the separation of men who presumably have a narcissistic personality disorder.
For these men, money is synonymous with power and potency and control over others.
And such men will always see an attack on their purse as an attack on their person. Your proposal is therefore tantamount to a declaration of war.
And now the party starts.
Not infrequently, these men then counter simultaneously or immediately thereafter with actions to extend contact or file an application for the right to determine place of residence for the children.
Since these motions are being negotiated individually, the obvious must nevertheless not be taken in context.
“He’s only doing it because I’m demanding separation maintenance!” is not a good response to the question of why the alternating residency model could not be set up with the father.
With the alternating residency model, at least the child support to you should fall flat (or shrink to a ridiculous sum).
Once the alternating residency model is in place and ordered against your will, it really isn’t funny anymore.
It takes a tremendous amount of resilience and energy to stay in your own balance within an alternating residency model construct with a toxic narcissistic child father.
Oh, what am I writing… Balance and alternating residency model with a narcissistic Ex are generally mutually exclusive! Especially with very young children.
Especially since he will always find a way to delegate the laborious part – the care of the child in everyday life: To the Next or to his own mother.
At least he doesn’t have to pay child support and still has you available for the narcissistic negative energy he constantly needs.
Energy that you will miss in the long run. But you won’t be the only one who suffers.
Your child, in particular, will be torn because the conflict between you – no matter how hard you try not to let on in front of the child – is within your grasp on a daily basis.
So if he was ordered to pay separation or post-marital maintenance initially, you’d better put that money aside right away for the other court hearings that follow.
You will need it.
In any case, you must also consider other alternatives. Because such a separation maintenance is only temporary and falls after a few years completely away. It’s good if all the court nonsense about custody or right of contact with the child is over.
It’s bad if there’s still something to come after that.
My big appeal to you:
Make yourself financially independent from the toxic Ex! Do not speculate on your alimony and do not rely on it when you are estimating your future living costs after the separation.
Of course: the child support is due to the child. I wouldn’t necessarily go to court if the ex doesn’t pay it, but you can at least delegate this part to the youth welfare office.
You are then off the hook and don’t have to serve as a buffer stop for his narcissistic rage.
Do you want to feel confident about managing child hand-offs with your toxic ex?
For everything else about maintenance, choose your battles and resources wisely!
Your top priority should be to be able to fend off the alternating residency model with a toxic narcissistic child father and to protect your child’s interests in case he is afraid of the angry dad.
You have to go to court for that.
For that you need a super legal counsel.
For that you need your energy, your nerves, support and a mentally solid inner framework.
It’s worth it for that, too.
Always remember: money is just energy.
Money does not give you the inner peace and balance you need to be a balanced mother who accompanies her child into adulthood with warmth and confidence.
I have already written it above: After the fact, you’re always wiser.
There are some mothers who, after many years of endless proceedings with highly toxic child fathers, say in retrospect that they wish they had not initiated these child support proceedings in the first place.
Child support proceedings are certainly not always and exclusively the only reason why a toxic child father brings one proceeding after another against his ex-partner.
But you should think carefully about what you use to irritate the bull unnecessarily.
If you’re just starting out, ask yourself:
What is the likelihood that my toxic Ex would spin his wheels if forced to pay me separation or post-marital support?
What beast would be unleashed?
How triggered is he by money?
Then, with your inner answer to these questions, confer with your attorney. What written offer could he or she prepare for you that might keep the beast in check? Think about a good solution together.
Of course, don’t work out anything yourself or sign anything your Ex puts in front of you!
That’s what I meant by smart approach: Only through your legal counsel!
Will your Ex then abide by it should he sign?
I don’t know, only time will tell.
You will never have predictable certainties with a toxic child’s father. But highly toxic ex-partners don’t abide by court orders either, so what?
At the very least, you could always hold up the paper in the courtroom to reinforce that you actually had an agreement that he once agreed to. It is then up to the expertise of your legal counsel to determine whether he or she has formulated this agreement in the best way for you and the child.
You will not get rid of all problems after that, but the Ex will not dissolve with such a waiver of maintenance in return for waiving the alternating residency model or mutate into a great ex-partner.
There will be many more surprises on your journey of co-parenting with a narcissist, don’t worry!
But these are just trifles that you will be able to handle relatively quickly, as long as you don’t have to deal with the alternating residency model and the eternal legal hassle.
Is it fair? No.
But you are not responsible for the evil one being held accountable for his misdeeds and now finally having to pay his dues.
Better leave that to karma.
Besides, it makes a huge difference mentally whether you’re hanging on his money puppet strings or not.
Better to live on a smaller scale than to be mentally backed into a corner over and over again when your toxic Ex turns the money spigot on or off at will, leaving you open to blackmail!
You can do it all without his money!
Finally, I have one last question for you:
How much money do you think is appropriate in exchange for your emotional stability?
1.000€? 5.000€? Or even 50.000€?
I’ll tell you what: it’s priceless.
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