It’s that time again – Christmas is coming!

For some moms – if not the vast majority – of those who have a toxic ex-partner, this is the most difficult time of year.

If you only broke up this year, it will be your first set of holidays without him.

At least that’s what I hope for you!

Or did you get invited to another holiday gathering with him?

Okay okay, I can understand that you want the separation to be as calm and gentle as possible, and so I also understand that you may have gotten carried away with a promise of a Christmas Eve together at his insistence.

Maybe it was your child who talked you into it.

And you may also feel very guilty because you went through with the separation and now think that you didn’t do enough to preserve the family for your child before the separation.

I can assure you, Sweetheart – it’s perfectly normal to have these feelings after a self-initiated breakup.

Now it’s about gradually conquering your freedoms.

Because there’s still a lot waiting for you!

For example, wonderful new experiences of your strength, the removal of heavy burdens from your shoulders, and laughter, lightness and joy in everyday life!

I would like to take you by the hand here today and help you to get through the coming days mentally – and therefore emotionally – well.

There are four scenarios that could well be a challenge for you at this point in time, and you can adopt a certain attitude towards all of them.

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​Scenario 1: You “celebrate” with your Ex and your child

So, there you have it.

You’ve probably been thinking to yourself for weeks that you’ve let yourself in for this, and you’re thinking about the coming days with a grumbling stomach.

The idea of calling the whole thing off today and unloading the Ex again sends shivers down your spine. I wonder what the fuss will be like afterwards!

It’s almost the better solution if the party takes place at his place and not yours. Then you can leave if it gets too much. It’s definitely more difficult if your ex is sitting in your new living room.

In any case, I very much hope that you never make such a promise again.

You should always make it a point to surround yourself only with loving people – even at traditional family celebrations and birthdays!

By the way, you can forgive yourself too, sweetheart, you know that?

We all make mistakes like this at the beginning (me for example!), which only speaks for you and your intention to create a harmonious celebration for your child.

However, you are not solely responsible for a harmonious, peaceful celebration. Everyone should have the same goal, otherwise it won’t work – and with a toxic Ex, it’s a gamble.

Therefore, let go of what is not under your control – e.g. the behavior and sayings of other people, be it ex or child – and focus on what YOU can do.

For example, to leave the room or even the apartment and leave if it gets too colorful or hateful.

You are allowed to do that. It also has something to do with self-respect.

Scenario 2: You are alone with your child/children for the first time at Christmas

This can be a great opportunity for you, you know that? From now on, you can define a new, beautiful ritual yourself and make Christmas the way you want it to be.

You are welcome to keep doing what has worked so far and has always worked.

But to welcome a new beginning, new rituals are helpful. So add something new to the routine that you like and try it out.

A new year, a new phase of life lies ahead of you – be aware of it and focus on what good things are happening right now.

Isn’t it just wonderful that you no longer have to celebrate with him? That you no longer have to worry about what mood he’ll be in in the afternoon? That you can now draw a line under all the bad holidays of the past?

It’s up to you to decide whether you want to wallow in nostalgia for past hopes or see this time as an opportunity for you and your child.

Choose wisely!

​Scenario 3: You are spending the holidays with your family of origin, where there are one or two narcissists who have already given you a hard time in the past.

The same applies here: let go of what you can’t control and focus exclusively on what YOU can do.

If it gets too much for you, you can leave the room. Or drive home.

You can also decide to treat the holidays with your family as training.

You train yourself to stay calm and not to take possible verbal attacks on you seriously and to protect your inner self.

You focus entirely on responding lovingly and appreciatively to your family and simply don’t pick up on the vampires’ energy ropes.

You think of yourself as a gray rock that is indestructible.

You’ve already achieved so much in your life! You’re no longer the little kid you used to be, even if your parents may not have realized it yet and still believe that your favourite food is custard.

It’s enough if YOU know that. You don’t have to convert and teach everyone who you have now become.

That is pointless.

It’s enough that you embody this new person. Not with words, but with your charisma.

Scenario 4: You are completely alone because your child/children are with your Ex this year

If it’s your first time, it will be a new experience for you. First of all: I can assure you that the next few days will pass. One hundred percent.

What’s stopping you from making your own Christmas Eve and cooking yourself a nice meal?

It is helpful if you already know your most important values. Think in advance about how you would like to spend this unexpected free time (you can also look at it this way).

What present have you given yourself in advance so that you can enjoy it on Christmas Eve? For example, if you like learning like I do, a new online course is a great thing – or a nice (audio) book.

An insider tip that I always use: If you suspect you might drift into mental darkness, give away your time that day to people who are worse off than you.

Because they are always there.

Think about it today:

Are there any honorary duties you could take on that day?

Could you even take on a shift in an emergency telephone service?

Helping out at the food bank?

Commenting particularly lovingly in an online community and giving virtual hugs?

Offer in your neighborhood that other lonely neighbors can spend Christmas Eve with you?

Nothing works better for lifting the emotional mood than giving love and attention.

Not just at Christmas, by the way.

Summarized

What you are experiencing today is the result of your choices, dear one.

Stand by it and make the best of it, because you always have it under your control.

When I say that you should stand by it, I mean your attitude.

And it can be straight with a straight back and a raised head, loving and warm-hearted, generous and clear.

Set clear intentions before the event, e.g:

“I am a smart and loving woman and know exactly what I want. I am friendly and reserved and expect kindness in return.”

Or

“I protect my innermost being, because that’s what heals. I treat myself and others with respect and consideration, and that comes back to me.”

Or

“I’m glad that I’m standing here today. I’ve already come so far! Everything is good – and getting better.”

In any case, I wouldn’t be surprised if you end up realizing that Christmas turned out to be quite magical after all….

Anyway, I wish you all the best, sweetheart!

Merry Christmas!