I bet that every mother of a primary school to preteen child knows this scenario. If the child has a good relationship with his father, he comes home after being with Dad and raves about what great things his father has done.

He can basically turn water into wine. A superhero! Godlike.

In any case, the child is thrilled and then lets his admiration run wild with you at home.

And you stand next to it and have to endure it.

A crush on a man who has emotionally terrorized you in the worst way and still does.

Who you know is anything but “nice.” Especially not a superhero – but a mentally disturbed person who has to manipulate everyone around him to make him look good. Who has to project his hatred of himself onto others – especially you – so that his inner conflict can somehow be freed.

The man who was able to wrap the legal guardian and the caseworker at the youth welfare office around his little finger.

The man who perhaps even pays maintenance irregularly for his child – if at all, because he fought for the change model in court in a timely and extremely successful manner when your toddler was still breastfed by you – will later be lifted up to heaven by the same child, that it’s more than just a fat toad that you have to swallow.

Saying to the child: “Listen, should I tell you what your dad actually is and what else he does in our lives?” is impossible because we only look into the child’s bright, enthusiastic eyes we simply don’t have the heart to take this illusion away from the child.

It’s a bit like the Christ child and the Easter bunny. The child is so sweet in his belief in these stories that we don’t have the heart to tell him the truth. How brutal! And that slight regret when they get to school and the boy from second grade laughs at your child because he still believes in the Easter Bunny.

Yes, your child will lose their innocent naivety over time. It’s a sign of maturity to learn to question things more and more and to stop believing everything adults try to tell you.

First it’s the Christ Child, then the Easter Bunny, and at some point in puberty the toxic superhero daddy.

But before that, it’s your turn first and – thanks to the child’s father’s constant manipulations – you will be disenchanted: Bad mom! What are you doing to poor dad?

This usually happens at 10 or 11 years old.

Then you not only get pressure from your ex, but you also have to listen to your child’s reproaches about your obvious mistakes – mind you, from the child, which is why you put up with all this shit in the first place!

In any case, the parent who constantly talks to and judges the child and ignores the consequences that this causes to the child seems to have the better cards at the beginning.

Since in our case the toxic father of the child treats the child’s emotional well-being more irresponsibly due to a lack of empathy, we are suddenly confronted with the absurd situation that we are supposed to notice and even encourage the child’s enthusiasm – at least that’s what the helper system expects of us.

Just don’t say a bad word about the child’s father!

Just don’t let the child know what court vermilion he’s doing in the background!

Just don’t tell him that you have to pay off several thousand euros in debt because of dear Dad and that therefore you can’t get a new bike but only one from the flea market!

Just be nice to the next person or the ex-in-laws so that the child can build a good relationship with these people too.

Otherwise you are intolerant of commitment! Boooo! Pooh! Bad mom!

We therefore have no choice.

Clench your teeth and get through it

Do you remember the saying “It’s just a phase, it’ll pass” from your baby and toddler days? This is also the case now, but what fortunately only lasted a few weeks (flatulence) and later months (milk teeth) can now unfortunately last for a few years.

The child criticises and rejects you for a few years, and then the Ex does.

Children’s brains restructure themselves. They realise more and more the connections. They lose their innocence and naivety and become adults.

The child himself must become aware of their father’s toxicity.

This is the child’s maturing task in life. He will have to learn this, otherwise he will repeat this lesson again and again in his choice of partners.

Just as we have recently learnt.

I believe that it will be easier for our children to realise this life task more quickly and sustainably with us as mothers who have already achieved this awareness.

However, we have to wait with these conversations until the children are ready. Until they are able and willing to listen. Until they have an open ear and heart.

Just like you’re ready to listen to me now. When you were freshly in love with your ex, you wouldn’t have listened to me either, would you?

Exactly.

I think these conversations with our children will take place around their 16th or 18th birthday.

And I’m going to go out on a limb and say that the superhero ex will have the bigger problem afterwards in terms of respect and continued contact with his child if he first realises what he’s done to you.

Until then, we should hold back for the child’s sake. We can’t protect him from the pain that this mature awareness brings with it:

• This sadness that the Christ Child or Father Christmas doesn’t exist.
• The shock of realising what their father is really like. And what he has done to their mother.
• This shame when they realise how they themselves have rejected you and unwittingly played along with their father’s game.

All of this is part of growing up and becoming an adult.

But what do we do today until that time comes?

We, on the other hand, swallow the toad, smile lovingly at our child and enjoy the enthusiasm – enthusiasm is always better than tears and sadness and despair in children – and say something like “I’m so happy for you, my darling!” or “Yes, that’s really great!” and “How nice for you!”

We don’t need to get into a productive discussion about this. Acknowledge and recognise it and that’s that.

You don’t have to pretend. Look at your child standing in front of you – from a child’s point of view, it’s really great to have such a top superhero dad who can seemingly do everything and has superpowers, isn’t it?

But should we knowingly lie to our child?

No. If he’s ready for the question, then he’s also ready for an honest answer – that’s always been my motto. Emphasizing the question, not when it tells us a superhero story.

This is about subtle shades of grey, not black or white.

I used to be terrified that my son would ask me if the Christ Child really existed. I thought he was so cute in his Christmas enchantment! But he never asked me directly. Pooh.

He was then enlightened in the school playground. When I told him again that I had to go up to the attic before the presents were given because the Christ Child would always leave the presents there, he just said that the Christ Child didn’t even exist, and anyway: how would he get through the roof as there were no windows upstairs? With all the presents?

Then we both laughed about it.

My request to you: Keep your honest answer appropriate to your child’s age.

At 10, they don’t have to get the full brunt of reality.

Being able to answer honestly but appropriately is the best thing you can do for your own integrity and for your child.

You always have several answer options, even without having to lie – it’s better to leave the lying to the child’s father, he’s way ahead of you anyway.

Try not to raise any questions with your answer if your child is still young.

Your guiding question for your reaction could be, for example:

• How can I give an authentic answer without pointing the finger at the Ex?
• How can I best emphasize that there is a difference between my relationship with the Ex and the relationship between the Ex and the child, and that it is okay for the child to love their dad – even if he is a narcissist?

By the way, it goes without saying that you’re not going to give the child a lesson on narcissism, right?

Reflection for advanced learners

Next, you can take a deeper look at the sting that the child’s enthusiasm for your ex’s harmless superhero actions triggers in you.

Apart from the lack of balance between the real truth and the child’s perception, what exactly is it that still affects you?

If you take your journal and reflect on it, one or two pearls might come up that will bring you even closer to a stronger sense of self-worth.

Guaranteed.

My dear, how do you deal with your child’s hero stories? Let us know in the comments – you’re definitely not alone!

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