Whoa – now you are probably looking at me with wide eyes! Why – should I still take care that my friends remain loyal to me? Don’t they have to actively approach me and support me and be there without me having to ask for it? You know that I am separated from a poison bunny and that the big shot is currently going crazy on us?

Isn’t that what friendship is for?

Yes, of course you are right to think that way. As the saying goes, a crisis separates the wheat from the chaff.

Nobody needs “friends” who are only there for you when the sun is shining and partying is on the agenda, but then make themselves scarce when you are facing a life crisis that is very unlikely to be over in a few months.

But that’s not who I mean either.

If you’ve been following me for a while, you know that I like to take a closer look at all the shades of gray and address them here in the blog.

And now I want to talk to you about your friendship with your closest confidante. The one who has always been there for you and has been with you through several crises.

I want to make you aware that this current crisis with your toxic ex-partner is a completely different matter, and that you are very likely overwhelming your closest circle to the maximum with it.

​

And before you retreat into your shell in shock because you don’t want to be a burden to anyone, stop and please read to the end.

Let’s take a look at how many aspects are currently falling on you alone and that you have to deal with:

• There is the old love relationship and the shock that your charming, attractive dream man has become a monster you must now try to pacify.
• There is the bewilderment at how you could fall for such a phoney, even though you should have known better because you’re “in the business”.
• There is the pain and sadness about the desires and longings that you thought you would be able to fulfill by starting a family, and which you now have to let go of.
• There is the shame of having to admit to yourself that you didn’t make it and that the relationship had already gone bad long before the separation, when you were still inviting people to happy barbecue parties.
• There is the great concern for the child. How will he or she cope with his parents’ separation? What kind of childhood are you giving them? You had imagined a carefree childhood for your child, but that is now gone.
• At the same time, the Ex bombards you three times a day with long emails and threatens to take you to family court if you don’t obey him.
• Then there are the financial worries. As great as the joy of moving in together may have been at the prospect of spreading the cost of living over two pairs of shoulders, the stress of having to bear it all alone again is all the greater. Not to mention the fact that the lawyer wasn’t necessary before and you wish you could hold off on that expense.
• Of course, with so much mental distraction, the focus on the job is also neglected. When should you be able to answer the Ex’s emails if you can’t even do it quickly at work? Of course, the boss notices this and is already making pointed comments. Losing your job would be the worst case scenario right now.
• Plus the household, shopping, doctor’s appointments, and the children’s clubs and associations, and so on. You no longer have time to think; you’re just going on autopilot.
• Actually, you would like to have a man in your life again – but where are you supposed to fit him into your head, your heart, and your everyday life?

Quite a lot, isn’t it?

Of course you need help and support now, no one can do all this alone! If you try to do it on your own, you’re the next candidate for a nervous breakdown or various psychosomatic illnesses.

Not to mention a present mommy who accompanies her child through the separation period in an exemplary manner and radiates security.

So you share your troubles and now have a dedicated line to your best friend.

And in these conversations, everything that’s going on with you comes up: the nastiness of your toxic Ex in everyday life, his nasty emails or Whatsapp messages, that the child is wetting the bed again even though he is already 8 years old, that there are rumors about job cuts in your company, that you don’t know how you’re going to pay the next car repair bill and you don’t even want to get up in the morning anymore.

Over time, you notice how your friend’s enthusiasm and loving compassion gradually wane.

It seems like it never stops for you!

She doesn’t call you anymore, and you feel her gradually distancing herself.

​

How mean is that now! When you’re doing so badly!

Your girlfriend, though, is doing the only right thing: she’s not leaving you – she’s protecting herself.

Maybe she’s not in a comparably bad situation to yours right now. But she’s definitely going to have a few problems, too, that she probably doesn’t dare share with you, so as not to put even more on your shoulders.

Everyone should definitely try to bring lightness and joy into their lives.

Yes, you too! But I understand that you are finding it difficult to feel joy at the moment, as long as you are at the center of the storm of the Ex. By reading this article so far, you also want to actively get out of it.

But your friend also desperately needs sources of joy and lightness, and you are hardly going to be able to offer her that right now, are you? So do you blame her if she no longer wants to talk to you on the phone every day and would rather go out with fun Lisa in the evenings?

How can you actively protect your friendship from destruction and at the same time still receive help and support in overcoming your life crisis?

By distributing the individual aspects among different support roles, sweetheart.

Yes, what you are experiencing is just too much for just one person! And even if you have a large, good circle of friends, it doesn’t mean that you can dump everything on each of them, so that they are all up to date at the same time.

Not only is this extremely stressful for each of your friends, but your perception and thoughts spiral further and further down into negativity with each new story you tell them.

So it’s a lose-lose situation for everyone.

But what if you spread the burden across several professional shoulders?

If you have to deal with the emotional violence of the Ex in the relationship, you get a therapist.

However, the therapist will not be able to help you handle your issue with the toxic Ex constantly forgetting to apply sun cream on your 4-year-old child.

For that, you’d be better off going to a mothers’ group for mothers with toxic ex-partners (it’s very important to have a toxic ex in common – otherwise you’ll be dissed by the other mothers who have a lovely ex and can’t understand why you have to make such a fuss about it).

If your Ex, on the other hand, threatens you with legal consequences, a mothers’ group cannot really help you reliably. For that, you should discuss it with a lawyer specializing in family law.

On the other hand, you can talk to your own mommy about the children’s ailments and ask her to look after them from time to time so that you can relax and have me time. Or you can ask your sister to do it.

That’s it.

You get targeted help and support from all these sources. And – sorry, no offense – it’s more specific than the lay opinion of your friend.

Once you’ve experienced this relief, you’ll feel freer and be able to refocus on what makes your friendship so special.

You can be the friend your girlfriend truly deserves once again. You can let your inner pearls shine again and hopefully start giggling and having fun with each other again soon.

You don’t bury your worries and you don’t put undue strain on your friendship.

Win-win!

On the other hand, if you find that you have grown further apart at the core, then it’s easier to reach a state of acceptance. You’re taking giant leaps in your development right now, so it’s normal to leave friends and acquaintances behind who aren’t there yet.

If you take this tip to heart, there is another wonderful side effect: you will be able to perceive yourself more and more as the manager of your current life crisis. You will receive good impulses and warm-hearted support. You will get into action and out of the “what others do to you and what they do to you” thinking.

How many support roles have you currently assigned, sweetheart? What does your current circle of friends look like? Tell us about it in the comments. Merci!