You know that I always try to encourage you with my articles. Even in the biggest everyday struggles with the Ex, to keep your head up, to train yourself to be more relaxed and not to always jump on the Ex’s antics in everyday life. I want to show you ways in which you can support your children and give them the best of yourself as they grow up: your empathy and warm-heartedness – despite the other toxic parent, who often drowns out or counteracts your efforts with loud bullying behavior. I try to show you ways in which you can deal with ugly situations he has fabricated. I have experienced a lot of it myself.

I have now managed to break free, but I keep having to work on it when it comes to unexpected toxic actions. It grounds me. But there are also things I haven’t experienced, for which I am very grateful in retrospect – among other things, I have never been in court or had to defend myself against the alternating custody model. I “only” know the fear that my Ex would take my child away from me when he was still very young. In any case, he threatened it quite often back then.

I wasn’t allowed to write this text earlier. Simply because I shouldn’t write about what I don’t know. But today I’m taking my courage in my hands and trying the impossible: to encourage you even if you lose custody of your children to your Ex.

Again and again, one of my Court Royal clients fights in court in her umpteenth trial to ensure that her children do not have to move to the highly toxic child father. Sometimes the odds are against you. Wrong advice from a previous lawyer, possibly serious omissions of important deadlines and a trial-based parenting plan can quickly create hopeless situations. On top of that, the current pro-father lobbyist legislation would have been unthinkable back in 2009 when I separated. I always hope that it won’t come to the worst and that my client won’t lose her children to the Ex. But what if it does happen? What if the worst of all nightmares comes true? When life just stops for a moment and we no longer know how to breathe? How should life after that work? How should that work?

When the unimaginable becomes a fact

All mothers with toxic ex-partners who are not currently expecting the worst, please stop reading now. Especially when you are at the beginning of the separation, please do not focus on this devastating aspect. You make sure that you do not allow a “trial” of the alternating model, you look for a good lawyer with integrity right from the start and you assume that everything will be fine for the time being.

Where focus goes, energy flows (Tony Robbins) – I cannot repeat it often enough.

Not every toxic Ex will go completely crazy. Not everyone is malignant, i.e. evil. And not every mother with a father like that will end up in exactly this situation, where she is only allowed to see her children, whom she has mainly looked after before, every other weekend. We are actually talking about a minority here, but one that has been growing steadily since 2012, thanks to the fathers’ lobby. If an uncontrollable dynamic develops with toxic judges and manipulated legal counsel, it simply becomes difficult. So those who find themselves in this situation should read on.

One step at a time

There are several phases in which you empower yourself to find your way out of powerlessness.

Processing the trauma in the courtroom

If possible, don’t stay alone that day. Ask your best friend to accompany you (unfortunately she is not allowed in the courtroom, but she can wait outside). She should take you to your place or to her house, and maybe you can stay with her overnight. Her only task is to listen openly to what you have to say. She doesn’t have to give you any advice – she probably can’t do that anyway, unless she is part of the judicial system herself. She can believe everything you tell her. If you don’t have anyone to accompany you, please don’t drive home yourself, but take public transportation or a taxi. Call someone at home who is good for you now (and not your narcissistic mother!).

Write down everything that hurt and shocked you in the courtroom

Write down why what was said is not true. Be as detailed as you can until you can’t think of anything more. Then add these pages to your court records.

Find a warm-hearted and experienced therapist if you don’t already have one.

Now, at the latest, it’s time to get a professional to help you deal with this situation emotionally. It’s best to have an appointment right after the trial.

Discuss with your lawyer

what the next steps are, for example, how you can go about appealing or how you can get the decision re-evaluated. Get a second opinion if necessary.

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The new daily routine

If your child comes to you every other week, make sure you don’t get stressed and try to keep being a fun mom. If you have always done a lot together, then continue to do so. Stay authentic and free yourself from the pressure of becoming the super mom who never argues or has a daily routine. Handing over the child will, of course, be the most difficult thing to do, especially at the beginning. But you will learn to deal with this over time until it becomes part of your daily routine. If you haven’t already, think about a ritual that will make it easier for you and your child to experience these transitions.

Be especially loving and forgiving of yourself.

During this whole initial period after the crucial negotiation, it is important that you treat yourself with indulgence and attention. Ask yourself: What do I need? What would make me feel better right now, what can I give myself? Take it slowly. If you know yourself well and know that a lot of work is the best way to distract yourself from your thoughts, then that’s fine. But if, for example, you’re self-employed and you’re drowning yourself in umpteen projects, you’ll achieve the opposite. I’d rather recommend that you take a step back. Find some peace. Give your grief space. Also see where there are additional positive sources of energy for you. Who can still be part of your inner circle – who supports you, who encourages you, who helps you? Ask yourself: Where is the pearl in this seemingly unbearable situation?

And what about your child?

Your child needs you now more than ever as a counterbalance to everyday life with the toxic ex! Above all, it needs you to be resilient (i.e. mentally strong) so that it can learn from you to find resilient answers to its own difficult life situations. It needs your strength, your empathy, your love, your presence. Especially when you feel anything but strong at the moment, I want you to realize that and focus first and foremost on finding your way back to your strength. Above all, this also includes a healthy dose of selfishness.

You can forgive yourself

At the beginning, it is perfectly normal to rack your brains over what you should or shouldn’t have done and what you should or shouldn’t have said. You are not to blame for the situation. Read this sentence again slowly and memorize it. You are not to blame. It is only in retrospect that we know which actions were right or wrong. If someone had been able to tell you exactly what would happen, you would surely have acted differently – but who could have done that? You reacted according to your experience, your beliefs and your values. And that was exactly right in that moment. You are not to blame for losing your temper when your toxic ex told one perfidious lie after another and presented them as fact. You are not to blame when guardians can be brainwashed and manipulated and our family law system gives judges the opportunity to humiliate the weaker party in a lordly and condescending manner. It is not your fault if youth welfare offices are overburdened and cannot distinguish between a real and an alleged endangerment of a child’s well-being. It is also not your fault that you fell in love with a narcissist and had a child with him. This child, whose great love you have never experienced before in this purest and most innocent form.

And one more thing

Even if your world threatens to collapse at that moment, it won’t. It will be reshaped. It will challenge you. It will mobilize the last possible ounce of strength from you. And it will be. You will be amazed at what you are capable of when you find yourself in such a challenging life situation that at first leaves you powerless. In my German Facebook group of strong mothers, there are a few women who had to let their children move to the toxic Ex by court order and became contact mommies, even though they were the main caregivers for them before. These mothers are usually calm and collected today. They have borne the scars of the post-marital battle with the toxic Ex – like all the other mothers – but they resist with every fiber of their being his desire to be able to destroy them completely. Their personal development there is enormous and incomparable. Today, they are helping other mothers who are at the beginning of their journey with helpful and extremely valuable tips. They get involved in politics. They discover unusual ways to help others by providing advice or coaching themselves.

How do you see it? Please leave me a comment below if you are a mommy friend. If it’s been a while, what helped you best in the beginning? I embrace you tightly, my dear. Remember: the power is female.