​Have you recently endured your first marathon court hearing, received an unfavorable decision, and now find yourself pondering which legal strategy to take on next? Which court application would be prudent?

Or perhaps you’ve agreed to a settlement, feeling pressured by all sides, only to witness your child struggling to cope with the ramifications of the agreement in their daily life?

Are you forced to witness your toxic ex, who emerged triumphant from the custody negotiations, gradually alienating your child from you and subtly thwarting the court-ordered visits, leaving you with little evidence to bring before the court?

These are just three of the myriad examples that can unfold after a hearing that went less than optimally.

The primary question most mothers grapple with afterward is:

“What’s the next legal strategy that will allow me to support my child?”

Below, I’ll provide you with some decision-making tools to assist you in navigating this question more smoothly.

Observe your child – but not as a mother

In the following weeks after the court order has been implemented, observe your child as openly and impartially as possible.

Are they adjusting reasonably well to the new visitation arrangement?

Even if your child has been extensively manipulated and the situation doesn’t feel “healthy” or “right” to you as a mother, the crucial point is that the child is managing to cope with it.

Is the child coping well or not?

Ask yourself the following questions:

Is your concern primarily rooted in the sense of powerlessness that arises from your child having a toxic father and being influenced by an unsympathetic and ruthlessly toxic parent?

Please understand, Sweetheart, there is absolutely nothing wrong with having this concern.

We all want our children to grow up with parents who treat them with love, peace, and care!

But the fact about the child’s narcissistic father is something that cannot be changed at this point.

Your child will have to learn how to deal with him.

Regardless of whether your toxic ex has visitation rights for one day a week, follows a residential model, or an alternating model, the opportunity for him to inflict emotional damage on your child remains unaffected by the time granted by the judges.

Innocent and trusting ears can be swayed by a manipulative, deceitful sentence in mere seconds.

However, it’s important to recognize that this potential for influence exists with all individuals who play a role in your child’s life. From kindergarten teachers and primary school teachers to coaches, best buddies, or even bullies in class—the list is endless.

So, the real question isn’t about preventing your child from being emotionally harmed, but rather about how you can support them in learning to cope and become resilient.

​Your child’s mandate

I often talk about the child’s mandate, which should prompt you as a mother to take action.

If, as described above, your child is relatively balanced in their visits — whether with you or with the father — and supports this arrangement well, you don’t have a mandate from your child to take action now.

Then it’s more a matter of you coming to terms with the situation and tidying up inside.

And letting go.

Your consolation: the child will cope, even if you’re still struggling. With the court hearing now over, you can calm down and focus on things other than court documents and responses.

When you receive an order

When your child communicates it verbally and directly, such as saying “Mom, I don’t want this anymore, please stop it!”, it’s a very clear order.

That’s a clear signal for you to take action because now you have the support of your child, who is willing to work with you on this.

Lioness power on!

Certainly, this assumes that the child is old enough to articulate such a statement clearly!

You won’t hear anything like this from a baby or toddler.

Even a child caught in a loyalty conflict, perhaps at the age of 9 or 10, is unlikely to express such a sentence out of fear of losing love or being deprived.

Then it’s important to observe the symptoms: Is the child regressing in their development? Are they becoming increasingly withdrawn? How are they faring at school? Do they exhibit psychosomatic symptoms in everyday life, such as unexplained illnesses?

What other alarm signals is your child sending out? Do they say things that are completely abnormal or frightening for their age?

What can you observe – not from the perspective of the mother, but from the perspective of a woman who has been acquainted with the child’s personality since birth?

Can you recognize the subtle difference?

In any case, the stronger the alarm signal, the faster you must take action and formulate a legal strategy based on what your child needs.

The challenge for you is greater because the child’s message may be uncertain. In such cases, you need even more courage and confidence, and you must give your all despite the uncertainty.

So here too: Lioness power on!

And so much of it!

In any case, this is where you must step up to the responsibility and challenge as a mother.

Your legal options are a completely different matter

Depending on the specifics of your individual court history, you may encounter certain obstacles or opportunities that only your legal advisor can accurately address.

A settlement, for instance, gives you less options than a unfavorable court decision.

You might require a different lawyer for your next legal strategy. Someone who supports you, provides a clear prognosis of success, and is committed to working with you as a team.

However, the main point

If your child gives you the assignment as described above, there’s still another issue to address:

The challenge of dealing with depleted energy after a prolonged negotiation, during which many outsiders have intervened and scrutinized every statement and action, is another significant concern.

That is, people tasked with making judgments about what it means to be human — including making mistakes and being allowed to do so — in order to make decisions for a child that the parents are unable to make.

Mothers would much rather make decisions together with a loving and understanding child’s father than leave them to the judge!

In the case of the mothers I support here on Midlife Boom, it’s often the fathers who have internalized some form of narcissistic personality disorder. This increases the potential for aggression and makes it difficult to find a child-oriented compromise with the help of third parties.

One person alone can argue effectively; it doesn’t take two!

Such negotiations are therefore solely about destruction, taking away, and winning at all costs.

And not about the child.

It’s also called war.

So after a turbulent and toxic trial with her ex-partner, what kind of mom throws herself back into the fray and screams, “Bring it on, more of this, please”?

I don’t know any.

But surely, you must do something?

Yes, definitely. And that is your “inner work.”

The first thing you should do after a court hearing or negotiation is take a moment to calm down.

You are no longer on the battlefield. You are safe.

Now is the time to dress the wounds that were torn open in your heart and soul during the negotiation and give them the opportunity to heal.

This includes being clear about what you need now – e.g. consideration, understanding, love – and starting with yourself.

Take care of yourself by listening to your body and taking time for the things that are important now – sleep, rest, good food, plenty of water. Help your body detox. (I’m serious!)

Understand that what you have experienced will not be “eaten” and “digested” after a few days. Take time for your growth. This is the very best time.

Give yourself a figurative hug and speak to yourself lovingly, as if you were talking to your best friend. Instead of constantly lamenting the supposed wrong statements and blaming yourself, focus on self-compassion and nurturing your inner dialogue.

If you ignore this elephant in the room, regardless of having a good lawyer or making strategic and tactical applications, you probably won’t have the energy needed to navigate the subsequent proceedings, let alone succeed.

You won’t save anything, and you won’t make anything better.

Conclusion

After a trial, calm, reflection and self-love are the order of the day.

This is the best step you can take moving forward.

Once you are calm again, your inner listening skills will return.

With listening comes more and more clarity.

When clarity comes, you will know with the greatest certainty what the next best legal strategy or court application for your child will be.

Let me help you get there by allowing me to coach you in the Brave Moms Club.

Before you even consider any major step, you must first ground yourself and find yourself.

You can’t expect others to tell you what to do! Neither I, nor your legal counsel, nor your friend, nor any other mom on social media can tell you that.

Only you know that – deep down inside.

You “only” have to find (=name) and peel off (=let go) all the onion layers and get rid of the judgmental dirt beforehand.

This is a process that also takes time. You decide how long.

I, along with the other moms in the club, am ready to accompany you on your journey.

The club is not always open to new members, but you can register for an invitation via the non-binding waiting list.