If you are one of those moms who have a toxic narcissistic ex, then chances are pretty high that you worry a lot about your ex’s manipulative power.

After all, you’ve experienced it firsthand!

But if you’ve already fallen for it as an adult, how can you protect your child from being manipulated and lied to by their father?

Especially if you have a particularly malignant, i.e. highly toxic specimen with your ex, whom you can easily trust to do anything to alienate the child from you.

Such cases do indeed exist – but it is not sustainable for the ex, because these games sooner or later blow up, even if it takes years. 

What options do you have to prevent this?

With countless court cases in which you want to prove the manipulation methods to the court?

It may work eventually – or it may not.

 In many, many parent meetings in which the mediator or counselor’s ears are already flapping? What power or influence might an outside counselor have with your ex?

On a scale of 1 to 10 I would say -5, but you know your ex better than I do. 

 Or by limiting the child’s contact with the toxic ex to a minimum? Because that can’t be a good, legally desired contact, can it?

Hardly. You’ll get your own ass kicked sooner than you can see. As a rule, everyone reacts extremely sensitively when you think you can judge from your subjective, former partner’s point of view which contact is best for your child’s development.

There is a very basic core that you must first understand and grasp in order to make much progress on your journey in this parenthood:

You can’t bring about change on the outside – certainly not force it.

You can only bring about change when you focus on yourself. On what you can do yourself.

So if your biggest fear is that the ex will permanently alienate the child from you, then focus on your bond with the child today.

If you are afraid that the ex will get custody of the child and you will become the contact mommy, then use the time with your child especially intensively.

Not by starting to manipulate them as well, all right?

But by emphasizing exactly your strengths, which accompany your child since he or she was born, and by living them even more.

 Your super power, which your ex is so incredibly jealous of, because he doesn’t have it and never will have it, no matter how many court cases he may file.

You know what I’m talking about, right?

Your empathy power.

THAT is your superpower, sweetheart.

That’s your most powerful weapon against his Machiavellian long-term alienation strategy!

This superpower is a very special, precious treasure.

How to use your superpower

But oh – it can get buried in the stress of everyday life far too often!

If you are also extremely exhausted, you lack the necessary energy, because this superpower also needs a minimum of it to be able to shine.

So as long as you’re running around like a zombie, giving all your other obligations a higher priority than you and your child, and on top of that putting all your focus on the actions and possible thoughts of your toxic ex – that’s how long you’ll be treading water and not taking a step forward emotionally.

Let alone conquer your fear of this horror scenario.

But now you’re reading this article, so let me give you two thought nudges: 

Focus Number 1: On You

If you notice that you are increasingly exhausted in everyday life, more thin-skinned and anything but calm, this is a signal to look inward more consciously and ask yourself:

What do I need today to feel lighter and better? (And no, I don’t mean chocolate or booze!).

What makes me feel exhilarated, what could get me in the flow, what gives me hope or is just beautiful?

If you create just 15 minutes of time islands every day where you stop and consider the answers to the questions above, you’ll get somewhere. Guaranteed.

If you notice that you are increasingly exhausted in everyday life, more thin-skinned and anything but calm, this is a signal to look inward more consciously and ask yourself:

What do I need today to feel lighter and better? (And no, I don’t mean chocolate or booze!).

What makes me feel exhilarated, what could get me in the flow, what gives me hope or is just beautiful?

If you create just 15 minutes of time islands every day where you stop and consider the answers to the questions above, you’ll get somewhere. Guaranteed.

Maybe in the springtime, just spend a few minutes looking at a flowering tree and soaking up the scent of the blossoms. Or sit by a stream and listen to the rippling water. Or look at a picture in a museum, which makes something special resonate in you – even if you only go to the museum for this one picture.

Or you have a particularly beautiful photo that you like to look at again and again and “can’t get enough of”. Which doesn’t make you sad, but light. Why not enlarge it and hang it on the wall in a very exposed way so you can really look at it again and again.

My all-time best-advice is to write in the journal anyway. So if you prefer writing to looking, that would be a very good alternative.

Or all of the above!

Just showing appreciation to yourself for giving yourself a focused 15 minutes a day makes a huge difference, dear!

If you recharge your energy stores over time in this way, you’ll already be much more aware of your everyday life and can then focus on:

2) Your quality time with the child.

Besides cooking meals and doing the housework and putting the kids to bed (in the case of small children) and supervising the homework of the older kids, you need islands of time together that you consciously fill with your superpower.
Stephen Covey in his book “7 Habits of Highly Effective People” created the term “emotional savings account”, which you can apply mentally quite wonderfully to your situation.

What does an emotional savings account mean?

An emotional savings account basically works like a savings account at the bank. There you hopefully put reserves every month so that you can fall back on it in case of need.

The emotional savings account, on the other hand, exists between two people, in our case between you and your child.

Every day since his birth, you make deposits. You make sure he is safe by carrying him a lot in the beginning. You pick him up when he cries. You feed him when he’s hungry and quickly make sure his bottom feels dry and comfortable when his diaper is full again.

Every time you look into his eyes, he sees your love.

Those are the biggest deposits into your emotional savings account you’ll make in the early years.

The basic cushion, so to speak.

As time goes on, however, everyday life picks up tremendously. Everything becomes normal: even the miracle child. The respective developmental steps become more subtle and are no longer so obvious, nor do they invite great enthusiasm (“He can walk!” “He can talk!” “He can do fractions!”).

His personal strengths no longer emerge as clearly as his weaknesses (depending on what we ourselves have been calibrated for).

Combine that with a toxic ex who pesters us with nasty emails or even aggressively approaches us on the open street when we hand over the child, and we’re all on edge.

What we could never have imagined when we held the baby in our arms for the first time becomes everyday life: we yell at the child, judge and criticize him.

But every time we criticize, yell, or judge our child, we take something out of the emotional bank account.

When the time comes when the ex gets massive opportunities for manipulation (starting with the child’s 9th/10th birthday), we take stock.

How much is left in the emotional bank account between you and your child?

So you need something like a savings account

We all know that it’s not possible to have a childhood without frustration and tension and strife.

I find the metaphor of the bank account so exciting and helpful precisely because it enables us mentally to always be able to deposit something to compensate for withdrawals or to fill up the account better and better.

How could you create this kind of savings account?

By actively listening with your superpower and taking an interest in your growing child.

What do you do with your child that they really love from the heart – and not just you?

If he is a Star Wars fan, but you are not – how much do you think you would add to the emotional bank account if you went to a very special Star Wars performance with the child – maybe even at night?

If your child has a very special idol – see if you can talk to them and find out exactly what makes that idol their idol. Even if you still don’t understand – accept it and be attentive and present.

And that’s where your superpower comes into play, sweetheart! Your empathy.

No, you don’t have to shower your child with expensive toys like the narcissist ex (who unfortunately can’t help but score with money).

But if there’s a nice Star Wars game, you can buy it on ebay or at the flea market and make his eyes light up.

Or a nice documentary about his idol, which is shown on TV, and you record it during daddy-hours or mark it as a favorite in the media library and you watch it together later.

That makes for some fat deposits!

And in between, give him a loving look every now and then. Focusing on all the good things your child can already do, not on what he can’t do yet and everyone around you thinks he should already be able to do – particularly the toxic ex himself. 

Summary

Your superpower will help you in the long run much more than all the money and supposed power of the ex. Use it consciously and mindfully when dealing with your child.

Even if your child gets confused during puberty – as long as the account between you was well filled before, this is the best defense against bigger damages and will pay off for you and your child in the long run. I am really convinced of that!

What do you say to this? Can you do anything with it? I’d love to hear your thoughts in the comments below – thank you so much!