How do you get rid of your anger towards your toxic ex?


Do you know this? Your Ex constantly cancels visits at short notice and wants to postpone them. You can never be sure if he’ll really be there on Friday afternoon at 5 p.m. or if he’ll call you at 4:45 p.m. and cancel because “something came up”.

As a consequence, you re-model your entire everyday life – because you want (or think you have to) be cooperative, especially when the family court beckons.

Or he comes and doesn’t have the child seat with him, because he hasn’t afforded one yet (or because he simply doesn’t think about something so trivial).

Or he doesn’t bring back the child’s clothes completely after the visit, so that you are now missing the only long (or short) pants (or jacket) your child has.

Or you witness him cheating or taking advantage of the system. Lying on his tax return or lying about his assets when it comes to calculating child support.

Or taking unfair advantage once here and once there.

And you think to yourself, “He gets away with everything! Nobody says anything! He’s having a lazy day / a nice life – and me? I have the work, the stress, the worries, and always have to jump! It’s so unfair!”

One notices the intention, and one is disgruntled. (Goethe)

From the start you already know that you should “let go” there, but it still upsets you like hell when he has done something again.

Can’t you do something about it?

If necessary, report him – even anonymously to the tax authorities? Or talk trash about him at the next meeting in the youth welfare office or at the educational counseling, so that others also realize what an unscrupulous A…. he is?

Oh, you wish so much that he’d get a proper spanking!

Indeed, one or the other mother among my clients experiences an inner celebration of joy when the judge bangs his hand on the table and shows the toxic Ex his limits.

But this is not the rule – because most of the time they try to be neutral and objective, and all the excitement in everyday life is a side issue, which tends to go down badly in the courtroom if you make it an issue there.

Invitation to the FeelBold Friday

Subscribe now to my free weekly newsletter

To the newsletter >>>

So — what to do?

Sweetheart – even if you run amok with a few of the above examples and show him up by hook or by crook – the anger is within you, no question.

You won’t change his world, his attitude, his behavior with it.

If he gets a slap on the wrist because of one thing, the next one will come tomorrow.


And you turn the wheel again. You scold him in the email, threaten him, make the wave, want to educate him.

And at the same time, you are hanging on his energy strings.

He gets your energy and still has fun. And he just keeps on doing what narcissists do.

How you can best detach yourself from this

First of all, you are not the avenger of the nation, nor do you have the role of the moral guardian of society.

So the thought “He just gets away with everything!” is not your business. That is the business of society, which tolerates this behavior or doesn’t tolerate it if he takes it too far.

Please leave it to the official law enforcement officers, for good reason.

Because if you get too involved and your Ex likes the game, then he can turn up the heat and start much nastier stories.

In the end, no one – especially not a judge – knows which of you is the most outraged.

But you don’t want to be the outraged one, you want to be the calm mother with integrity that a judge likes to talk to because he senses that you want the best for your child and not the worst for the child’s father, right?

Any anger that is in you is hurting you, not him.

Please keep reminding yourself of that. If you are angry, you are not only sending him a lot of negative vibes, but also all the people around you.

Your child senses this and reacts accordingly.

Your boss and your colleagues feel it and react accordingly,

Your neighbor feels it and reacts accordingly.

Your customer feels it and reacts accordingly.

So what do you think is going to happen in your life if you constantly get overly upset about your toxic Ex?

Peace, joy, pancakes? Probably not.

Sweetheart, if you’re currently deeply dissatisfied with your life and you’re seeing red all day because of anger, you need to start there.

Because seeing red isn’t just limited to your ex – it’s continuously poisoning your entire day.

But just don’t think that you can blame him for it!

Do you want to feel confident about managing child hand-offs with your toxic ex?


He is who he is. He won’t change because you want him to.

He is who he is. He won’t change just because you want him to.

But since you yourself don’t have narcissistic personality disorder, you eventually have the mental capacity to peel yourself out of this cycle….

The first step is to realize what your values are – which this man and obviously all the other people who are annoying you do not have.

So, if honesty is extremely important to you, then you will be upset beyond measure when the Ex tells one lie after another and gets away with it!

If reliability is extremely important to you, then brash, thoughtless handling of time and things will drive you up the wall.

And if cleanliness is very important to you, then it will probably really upset you when he traipses into your apartment with dirty shoes to say goodbye to the child one last time.

For me, it’s consideration – for example, I start scolding like a bastard when I see inconsiderate behavior.

What are your values?

The next step would then be that whenever you observe a violation of one of your most important values – whether with the Ex or with anyone – you then think to yourself:

“That’s interesting. He obviously doesn’t care about consideration/honesty/tolerance…as much as I do.”

And then leave that with a shrug.

Yes, you can train that, Sweetie!

Observing, noticing the feeling, setting boundaries and letting it go is exactly the process that will help you, sooner or later, to finally be able to let go of the anger in your everyday life.

What do you think? Are you still stuck in the middle of the anger of everyday life or are you already out of it? Can you imagine that you can make progress with this mental tool?

Just give it a try and report back in the comments afterwards. 🤗

Invitation to the FeelBold Friday

Subscribe now to my free weekly newsletter

To the newsletter >>>