You realize at some point that for a week, a month, three months, a year, your toxic Ex has hardly been heard from – or even totally nice.

No bitterly nasty email causing a stir in your inbox and in your head.

No new petition to the court.

No threats at child drop-off.

Just heavenly peace and quiet.

How long you’ve waited for this!

I wonder if he’s got a new girl who’s keeping him 100% in the love-bombing phase now, so you’re no longer solely responsible for his energy supply?

Maybe he has finally realized that it can’t go on like this – especially not for the child?

Maybe a good friend has spoken to him – you already have an idea who that might have been.

You feel really bad that you are still in the various mothers’ forums that stood by you during the most difficult time, and you are gradually logging off.

You don’t need the support anymore – after all, you’re doing great! And feel a little sorry for the other moms who are still in the thick of it.

“Hang in there,” you think, “It gets better!”

Finally, you’ve reached the state many in the helper system always talk about: After the initial, violent phase of separation, during which emotions now understandably boil up, routine everyday life finally returns. The boundaries have been set, the situation has finally been accepted and embraced.

Now you can enjoy your new life alone with your child in your new apartment without your toxic ex.

Maybe even patchwork will succeed, including big family parties at the round table? Where everyone loves each other?

Or is he just plotting something new again?

Depending on how long and nasty the breakup has already been, you, on the other hand, think rather soberly and are very suspicious.

You don’t trust the situation.

He must be up to something nasty!

His niceness – pure calculation!

You read his calm, factual emails again and again and try to decipher them between the lines.

After all, you already know better than him how he thinks and ticks! Years of training have strengthened your empathy into his innermost being in the best possible way.

You are on your guard.

You imagine what he could do. How he could exploit the silence. And how he might gather materials against you.

You imagine how he will again criticize one or another of your actions, now that you are no longer under everyday tension and the apartment is no longer spotless.

You are very active in the forums now, asking questions. Do you know this? Your Ex is nice all of a sudden? What is the best thing to do?

Your imagination is running at full speed. One horror scenario follows the next. In your mind’s eye, you see him smiling maliciously and starting the next perfidious action.

After all, you’re not stupid. He’s already screwed you so many times – not anymore, buddy!

What is the same for both types of mothers

Which of the two camps do you count yourself as belonging to – assuming your Ex is actually giving it a rest right now?

You know what?

It doesn’t matter at all.

In both cases, he remains at the center of your thinking.

In the former case, you hope for peace, joy, and happiness and are so relieved that you lower your protective shield again. With the result that he already gets more from you.

Here and there, an extra day of contact, indulgence for being late or forgetting things.

Mind you, there is nothing to be said against this in principle, if there is really peace and he is actually nicer than usual.

By the way, I plead guilty to belonging to the first camp!

However, disillusionment will usually follow – if not today or tomorrow, then at some point. In my case, it even took 2.5 years.

We are dealing with toxic ex-partners here, and it is very unrealistic to expect a lasting change in behavior.

If you had been with a “normal” man who had gone through the normal emotional madness after the breakup, the mediations would have been different and the meanness in court would not have occurred to the same extent. If you would have been in court at all!

If, on the other hand, you belong to the second camp, it becomes especially critical

Because the more you use your imagination and imagine the future vulgarities, the more you manifest them.

Your brain cannot distinguish between desires and non-desires.

One could argue that the first camp would have to be successful with the peace-joy-egg-cake-patchwork-scenario.

It is indeed very possible that the future will be more peaceful in that case – but it is more likely that the happy-ever-after patchwork will then only work with another man, and not with your Ex.

I just want to make you aware of where you are putting your focus

In both cases, if the focus is on what the Ex is currently thinking, doing, doing – whether filled with worry or with renewed hope – it, and therefore all your precious energy, is on him and not on you!

And, Sweetheart – YOU are the one who should have long been the focus of your concern and attentiveness by now!

Just when you currently have breathing room, don’t need to answer a toxic email or have your chain of reasoning for the ultimate court case fluently internalized.

This is YOUR time now, so please – enjoy it!

Let go.

Yes, the next wave may come eventually.

So what?

You’ve been through so much already and you’re already through the baptism of fire

The next wave that your Ex may unleash, you will also master with flying colors.

Guaranteed.

And in the meantime, until that time comes, you gather strength and energy, love and positive vibes around you. You’ll gather it all in your soul basket, nourish your self-confidence, strengthen your self-worth, and surround yourself with people who love you for who you are.

You’ll notice in the long run how indifferent you suddenly become to what your ex may be cooking up in his brain.

The nice thing about it: If he notices that no more attention comes from you, but only cultivated, yawning boredom, then he will sooner or later lose interest in getting energy from you and will look for other victims in the long run.

Just do your thing, sweetheart.

Show your kid what you can do with your life, even if you run into tough situations now and then.

You are his lighthouse.

Now is the perfect time to recharge your batteries and take care of issues other than narcissism or lawsuits or all the strategies of the fathers’ lobby.

So you can shine if any toxic people around you think they need to freewheel again.

You can’t control that anyway.

So my question to you is: With which topic or hobby do you forget the time and are in the flow? Focus 100% on it now and let the magic unfold.

You deserve to live a beautiful life. And you are allowed to do so now!

Do you already know such quiet phases? How do you deal with them? Please write your insights in the comments below and share them with other moms. Thank you very much for that!