If you have a toxic Ex, then it’s very likely that you know the feeling of anxiety very well.
When you were still in a relationship, you felt scared whenever he came home. What mood will he be in today? Hopefully the conversation with his boss went well, otherwise things will get ugly again tonight! I hope he likes the food. Have I put everything away that he pointedly noticed this morning?

On Mondays, you were afraid of the week to come.

On Fridays, on the other hand, you were afraid of the weekend, when he would withdraw again and leave you alone with the baby.

You were afraid of the next mistake that he would immediately hold against you without mercy.

I know what a big, courageous step you took when you initiated the separation in the first place and then moved out!

But even since the separation, there have always been plenty of opportunities to feel fear.

What will he do next? Take me to the family court? Not bring the child home on time and keep him right away? What will he do with the baby during his contact time? Surely he has no idea? Where will he travel with the toddler?

At some point, you’ll be surprised to realize that you’ve really become a big scaredy-cat. A development that five or ten years ago you could never even have imagined for yourself!
Quite a few of the mothers who follow me were well-established women before their relationship with their toxic ex-partner. Radiant, self-confident personalities, very successful in their careers. I count myself among them.

In the relationship and in the first few years afterwards, however, things were very different. The mothers became a shadow of their former selves.

So if you’re wondering how you could become such an anxious woman, let me assure you that you’re not alone!

​Of course, this is the result of the relationship with the everyday subtle manipulation of the narcissistic ex-partner. Constant dripping eventually wears away every stone!

In the end, you perceive the man as much stronger and more powerful than yourself – even though he really isn’t. His virtuoso ability to make the most abstruse threats and intimidate you (who else, if not a former partner, doesn’t know our most intimate Achilles’ heels inside out?) make you feel small, inferior and scared.

There is a mental imbalance between you, which he will exploit for his own purposes. He absolutely needs control over you – and your fear – so that he can continue to feel big and powerful.

Because he is also afraid and his self-esteem is terrible – he has just chosen a different strategy to conceal it with his narcissistic personality disorder. And that is absolute control and constant connection to your emotions.

I would like to help you look at fear from a different perspective. As you know, I’m not a therapist – so if your anxiety has already taken on a life of its own to the extent that you’re having panic attacks, then you should see a specialist and tackle it head on.

But in all other cases, I would like to invite you not to see the fear as a threat, but as a hint from your soul to take a closer look and take the next step in this direction.
In other words, not to turn away and bury your head in the sand, but to see what opportunities lie behind the fear.

I can assure you that in the first few years after the separation with my toddler – my son was 1 year old when I moved out – I would have been very happy if someone had taken me aside to tell me that fear is simply part of growing out of the crisis.

In any case, I very much hope that this entry will help you to learn to deal with fear better over the coming months.

Fear shows you the extent of your current comfort zone

Imagine you are standing in a circle. You feel safe and experienced in this circle. You know exactly what to do and perhaps you already do a lot of things automatically without giving them much thought. You have no fear.

That’s your comfort zone, sweetheart.

In a relationship with a toxic ex, you can think of this comfort zone as the size of a hula hoop. The daily household chores, getting up, doing the laundry, cooking and shopping are all routine. You now know the triggers that cause your partner to lose impulse control and are careful not to use them.

But the hula hoop is pretty damn small and very limited, isn’t it? Many, many mothers endure an incredibly small comfort zone in their everyday lives with a toxic Ex. Doesn’t that leave no room to breathe?

As soon as they want to step out of this narrow hula hoop, they enter unknown territory.
And that’s scary at first.

Perhaps you remember the time when you were learning to drive. Were you also afraid of the next driving lesson, let alone the driving test? Now you don’t even think about it anymore – you get in the car and drive off.

It’s the same with every new skill you learn. You’ve had to endure every job change with the anxious question of whether you’ll be up to the new tasks. And yet you’ve managed it every time!

​Just think of riding the waves your toxic Ex will undoubtedly throw you post-breakup like learning a new skill. You’ll learn to deal with it too!

You’ll expand your comfort zone step by step – and in doing so, the fear will recede further and further into the outside world. This gives you a clear indication of where your comfort zone ends and which step you need to take next to push the boundaries a little further.

Moving into your first home alone with your child. Check.

First vacation without male help. Check.

The first joint parenting session with him in the same room again. Check.

The first court hearing. Check.

Stepping on other people’s toes for the first time because you clearly expressed your opinion and remained true to yourself, your convictions and your values, even though you would otherwise prefer to please everyone. Check.

The first time you showed your parents your boundaries and did NOT let them be crossed.

The first time you ventured back onto the dating scene and gave a clear rebuff to a man who was very sure of himself and treated you patronizingly. Check.

If you obey fear, sweetheart, you will remain small and trapped in a comfort zone that is far, far too small.
If, on the other hand, you see fear as a beacon and a clue as the edge of your comfort zone, then emotional freedom lies beyond it.

Sometimes you have courage and take a huge step. Then you buy a really expensive online course from your favorite coach and are breathless afterwards! Or you book a meditation retreat costing several thousand euros. Or you buy your first condo all by yourself. Or you go alone to a not-so-serious-looking car salesman and buy a car without any male help.

And sometimes it’s just tiny baby steps. There’s the phone call with the new lawyer you’ve been recommended. Or the email you have to answer and where you have to make a clear statement about your boundaries, even though you can’t estimate how it will be received by the recipient.

Which brings us to the last, really ultimately important point:

Please never let fear guide you when you have to make a decision! Instead, focus exclusively on the opportunities that lie beyond this comfort zone boundary.

So don’t think about what others might think about it or what they would do next if you make the decision one way or the other. Especially with narcissists, you can rarely foresee or even prevent anything.

Always think about the possibilities that lie behind it. What doors could open afterwards. How much inner growth this could mean for you!

I myself have always been the biggest scaredy-cat in my life. And I still have fears today, of course – that’s natural!

But for me, my fears have now become my greatest friends – they show me with somnambulistic certainty where my growth potential still lies. And since inner growth is my greatest driver and value, that’s exactly where I’m drawn to.

You wouldn’t believe how free and carefree it is to live in an ever-expanding comfort zone! Yes, despite a toxic Ex!

When are you going to get out of your hula hoop, sweetheart? Or how big do you think your current comfort zone is? What fears show you the edge?

Please leave your comments below and tell us what you think. Merci!