I’ve noticed that I haven’t written about the new wife at the toxic ex-partner’s side in a long time. Is probably because she is actually not so much in the focus of the mothers who follow me.

But when there is a Next, she too can become an emotional burden, and today I want to help you take a new perspective to her and find a mental way to deal with her.

Basically, there are three variations of this situation:

1. The Next is just as empathetic as you are, and you feel triggered by her warm naiveté and goodwill; or
2. The Next is just as narcissistic as the Ex – perhaps even more evil – and both are now increasingly taunting and egging you on; or
3. The Next is basically okay, but in love with you, believes the Ex’s every lie and is therefore convinced that your child is best off with her new family, because you are severely disturbed.

Makes you wonder which scenario is the better one….

Spoiler Alert: It makes no difference to your own mental attitude, though. More on that below.

For now, let me break down the different scenarios further.

1. The next one is just as empathic as you – you could be friends.

Oh, that can sting quite a bit – you see yourself when you were dating that dream guy back in the day, and it’s like looking in a mirror.

You want to shout at the woman, “Watch out! Don’t do it! Go! Take your legs in your hands and run for all you’re worth! It’s not worth the sex!”

Every time you see the woman, you are reminded of your own early days with the man. And one thought follows another.

Of that first crazy time with lots of sex and the breathtaking feeling of being wanted.

Whether he also says the same things to her as he did to me back then? Did he already tell my predecessor back then?

Then the first, big fight. The first humiliation in front of mutual friends. Or the mendacious pretense of a perfect world. Where do the two of them stand now? Has she already gotten to know his way of arguing?

The carousel of thoughts goes on and on until today. You’re stuck in it again.

And that every time you see her – which can hardly be avoided as long as the child is small.

How he enjoys it, seeing you two side by side! He has upper water, definitely.

She herself is kind of holding back insecurely. She is still without harm, has no idea who she has brought into her bed and what is still ahead of her. You stand in front of her and think: Like me back then. Come on, let’s go to the next café, I’ll tell you what really makes this guy tick.

But you stop. Of course you don’t say anything – she wouldn’t want to hear it. She is not yet ready to see you in the role of the understanding sister. Just as you certainly would not have taken the advice of your predecessor back then!

As long as you don’t make a cardinal mistake now and automatically lump her in with the Ex – because she so sweetly wants to mediate between you – you can still keep the door open for her.

Not everyone has to come out of such a relationship with the same wounds as we did!

Just imagine what it would have been like if you had had a woman around who would have taken you in her arms because she knows exactly what you went through with the exact same man she fell for!

We don’t wish that on any other woman!

2. the Next is just as toxic as the Ex – or even worse

Oha, two of the same kind affecting the child! It can’t get any worse.

But you know what? For some moms it’s the toxic nexts, for others it’s the highly toxic ex-mom-in-law – if there’s one tox, the next one isn’t far behind.

What helps is strict adherence to the no-contact rule.

No court in the world can order you to keep in touch with Next, no matter how vehemently she demands it.

After all, your must-contact person is only the child’s father.

The other may not like that, but that’s the way it is.

Therefore: Her emails are not answered, but you answer only to emails of the Ex.

He should not be able to lean back comfortably in his armchair and enjoy the spectacle when his two fetuses fight each other!

If she behaves abusive and not child welfare oriented towards the child, and you notice this directly, you write him a factual, concise email with the hint that he please influence his partner so that this does not happen anymore.

Then you let go.

It’s as clear as mud: He will neither let it go nor can you control compliance.

But at least you’ve put a clear boundary marker in the ground and documented the incident, à la “I noticed that. We have shared custody. Don’t do that and make sure she doesn’t.”

No discussion, please.

Give her as little opportunity as possible to address you directly, certainly not by phone or face-to-face.

You may protect yourself – even from upset, angry other women.

3. the Next is in itself okay, but mega violently manipulated.

In this case, you should assume that he lied about everything to make himself look good.

Most likely, you are the narcissist who has lost her marbles, forced him to be unfaithful and tortured him bitterly with her constant demands for even more money! And now he hardly sees the beloved child!

The Next can’t understand why you are so mean towards her beloved, who has already been in tears towards her because of it!

Yes, YOU know the truth, so it is all the more stressful when you are reprimanded or coerced into mediation by this well-meaning person.

Again, your main contact for all contact and parenting issues is and remains the Ex.

Of course you can answer a nice email in a friendly way – but please without justification or any proof that he is the devil and that she should please open her eyes!

In all three cases it is important to know your own limits and your own role in this triangle and to keep them.

No, it’s not easy – but if you realize that you can’t control whether everyone else likes you or not, then you’ll be able to deal with it much more confidently over time.

100 pro.

There is, however, one very special consolation that I don’t want to let slip under the radar at this point:

Provided the Next is empathetic and just blinded, then chances are she will be nice to your child and the child will like her.

And that’s really nice and comforting to know, isn’t it? You really want your child to do well in the other household and to have someone there who cares lovingly, don’t you?

Sure, gladly without the manipulations and the whole narcissistic fuss!

How is it with you, sweetheart? Is there already a successor of you? Or are you even hoping he’ll finally find one so he can give it a rest?

U-oh – not that you make yourself there too many hopes! These men will not rest until you have found peace within yourself first.

Feel free to comment here under the article about your experience with your toxic ex’s Next and what solution you found in dealing with her. It will help the other moms a lot too. Merci!