Without a doubt – the stress of dealing with a toxic Ex and the fear of losing the child over a custody battle is highest the younger the child is.

The protective instinct is particularly strong at the beginning of our motherhood.

When a child cannot yet speak or walk, and the psychopathic Ex leaves no stone unturned to take the child away from his former partner, even if it is still being breastfed – that is the horror scenario par excellence.

The younger the child, the easier they are to influence.

If we want the child to grow up with a lot of love and empathy and accompany it with a feeling of security and confidence right from the start, and on the other hand there is a parent with an attitude full of revenge and narcissistic anger, this becomes very, very difficult.

Your main task in such a case is to find inner peace and balance despite this difficult situation – and to stop absorbing the toxic ropes of energy.

You can practice this, and it happens in all my offers.

Be it DEXKADIMA® for (parallel) everyday parenting, Court Royal® for specific court preparation or the Club of Courageous Mothers.

The focus here is on inner growth rather than the narcissistic personality disorder of child fathers, supported with a lot of knowledge around child development and how we can strengthen our relationship with the child – regardless of the toxic Ex.

Therefore, the drama level and inner turmoil as well as the perceived helplessness is understandably highest among mothers with younger children.

Another significant and challenging time for us mothers is the age of our children between 9 and 12. The children make a leap in maturity – in line with the change of school – and become more sensitive to injustice. They are full of love for everyone and everything and want the right and good things to happen.

If dad then stands there in a whiny voice and complains that he can’t see his child in equal shares with mom, the children understand immediately and want to establish justice.

They are usually massively manipulated by the Ex.

They are therefore often very convincing in court and want the alternating residency model.

And then they get it.

Even in such cases, you can learn to argue for your child in the best possible way or to support them following the decision and make the best of the situation.

Do you know that this is the biggest leap in growth for you?

Your child articulates their wishes, is listened to by the judge and is allowed to experience the consequences. And you learn to let go, albeit in a rather harsh and sobering way.

And by letting go, you become much, much freer inside than you have ever been. If you allow it and don’t give in to bitterness about the behavior of others, true pearls will emerge for you.

​What about puberty?

Of course, puberty is definitely no walk in the park for parents – whether separated or still together! But with a toxic ex, a child who has to free himself from the loving but possibly too close bond with his mother (after all, that’s his developmental task at that age!) has many more opportunities to hurt his mother emotionally.

Rebellion against your parents means doing things differently than they want. At any price.

The knowledge that the separated parents are enemies is a veritable weapon for a pubescent teenager.

I would like to emphasize at this point that I do not mean that your child wants to work on you emotionally and openly aggressively in a conscious attitude of revenge.

But I would like to give you the impression that your child needs more freedom in this case and will try to get it by any means necessary.

So if you continue to look at your child with love and understanding, even if they say bad things or suddenly prefer the toxic ex and want to move in with them every weekend and the entire vacation or even completely “because he’s better” or “I love him more than you”, then this becomes the ultimate letting go exercise.

In this case, please imagine the rubber band that has connected you to your child since birth.

At the beginning, the band is very, very wide and rigid and firm.

And over the years it becomes longer and smoother.

If it wants to pull towards the toxic Ex, it will be very, very stretched and possibly even as thin as a string.

But it doesn’t break.

In this case, trust that it will have its experiences and that everything will be for the best – even if it is in the den of supposed evil.

The thin ribbon serves as a guide. Your child can use it to guide them back to you after sobering experiences in the non-empathetic world.

During this time of sobering reality, your child will have matured. And above all, they had a chance to do so!

But so do you! This gives you your own chance to deal with the situation and come to terms with yourself.

And then you can meet your child on a whole new level.

And what about children who are already adults?

When mothers of adult children discover me, I am often asked whether my DEXKADIMA® program or the Club of Courageous Mothers is also suitable for them.

My answer to that is a resounding yes – as long as they feel insecure about dealing with the toxic ex and continue to feel emotionally attached to the puppet strings.

Remember: Narcissistic people always find ways to throw out energy ropes – even if you no longer exercise joint custody or right of contact with the child!

For example, refusing to contribute to the costs of education and studies or using the (now) adult child’s savings accounts that you had saved together. Oh, there are still so many ways to cause discord and get negative energy from you!

Who actually comes up with the idea that everything is over when the child becomes an adult?

I will have to burst your bubble right away, my dear!

Of course you no longer have to agree with your ex about which school your adult child should go to or which vaccinations they can or should get.

The questions are different – the toxicity underneath remains the same.

And your job is to learn to do just that: to deal with toxicity confidently and not let it unsettle you at your core, because you know your core – your self – so well by now and have become so sure of yourself that it simply doesn’t affect you anymore what your Ex says or does.

And accordingly, what your adult child – manipulated or not – says or does.

As soon as you give up resistance and control, you let go.

If you let go, you set yourself free. A (good) void is created, which can now be filled with other good things.

It is not uncommon for things to sort themselves out very quickly as soon as you have let go of the resistance.

​Summarized

When your child stands in front of the door again with the worn-out ribbon in their hand, something new begins between you.

You define a new relationship, a new, deeper bond with each other.

A relationship without hate and malice and bitterness – but full of love and understanding.

However, you need to do your homework before you can get into this mindset.

This means tidying up your inner belief system, i.e. throwing out the negative beliefs and replacing them with new, better ones.

Becoming a parent is one of the greatest adventures. Because when you become a parent, you realize that you are not the navel of the world and that your child should learn everything from you or have a better childhood than you – but that you have been given this task to grow.

So that you can discover your full inner potential.

As long as you are not doing well in this parenthood with a toxic ex, you have a learning task – regardless of the age of your child.

How do you see it, Sweetheart? Are you a mom with a grown-up child and still struggling with the situation? Or have you made your peace and are living a happy life?

I look forward to your comment below!