With this article, I would like to address a topic that will make some mothers’ hair stand up.

Perhaps rightly so.

Nevertheless!

I want you to ask yourself again and again whether your current situation corresponds to what you really want – and if not, I’d like you to think about what you can still do in order to feel better again.

If you’ve been reading along for a while, you should already have developed a sense of how important it is to me that we single moms are not victims of circumstance, nor do we think we are.

There’s always something we can do. Yes, you can too!

Most of the time we just don’t know where to start when we’re in a difficult and obviously hopeless situation.

Are you feeling the same way right now?

Then let me ask you a concrete question:

How would your current situation change if you completely gave up child support?

Oh dear. I guess I’d better hide right now….

I can already hear your cry of outrage: “What? I’m supposed to let the guy get away with it? Surely it can’t be my own financial responsibility to raise children when we both wanted them?”

“It’s about the kids. It’s their money! I’m fighting for them because they can’t do it themselves yet!”

Oh, you’re right.

Especially if you have a presumably narcissistic Ex, then you know this attitude of entitlement from before: everything is just for him! He always gets away with everything, while others just roll their eyes in disgust and finally call it quits.

So I can well understand if you’re extending your claws now and thinking, “Not with me, buddy!”

But let’s go through a thought experiment or two. Just for fun.

Case A) The Ex only wants the alternating residency model so he doesn’t have to pay child support.

If your Ex has never taken care of the children in the past and has proven to be stingy, but has set his mind on pushing through with the alternating residency model – what do you think will happen if you offer to waive child support?

Would he then still pursue the alternating residency model with all of his might?

(At this point, let me just leave you a tiny reminder that I’m not against the alternating residency model in principle. When two mature adults separate, live close by, and the kids are already out of the woods, it’s perfectly fine. With a suspected narcissist, I believe it is simply impossible to get the alternating residency model working in a healthy and organized way).

Now, regardless of the fact that you now wonder how exactly you’re supposed to manage without the money from the Ex – more on this below – just go through this thought.

How would that be for you – no alternating residency model in exchange for child support?

Please also take into account that if he gets the alternating residency model approved, you would then also be stuck with your own costs.

Case B) Your Ex never pays on time and rarely pays the amount he should pay.

If your Ex doesn’t pay the agreed upon child support on time, and you look at your bank account almost every day with a pounding heart hoping it will finally be there now – how do you think you’ll feel when you’ve let go and just don’t expect it anymore?

You put a note with the monthly alimony amount on a little wooden boat and push it down the river? Goodbye, alimony! I know, I never see you anyway.

You wouldn’t have to get angry about his unreliability anymore. You wouldn’t have to yell at him. No more flying into a rage.

You just don’t let him bully you anymore, whether his measly 200 or 400 euros are there today or not.

You are the master of your day again. Your emotions. Your everyday life.

Case C) Your Ex controls and comments on what you do with his alimony

Is your Ex always telling you that you get too much alimony and commenting on the idea that you always get new shoes for the child? Or do you get one or two snarky remarks because you have been to the hairdresser again?

It doesn’t matter if you earn several times the amount of said child support in your own job – that’s annoying, isn’t it?

On the other hand, you catch yourself justifying yourself to him or in your mind. Of course, you are (currently still) dependent on child support, and you don’t always hand over 200 euros in cash for the child every month.

It’s just also the intangible facts that you end up paying more for than he does – cutting back on your job when the kids were little and now you’re struggling to make up the hours. Something no one can ever quantify.

Or your time spent with your child in the afternoon because the childcare center is closed or the child is sick.

Now imagine your life if you stopped receiving child support from him.

If you were doing it all by yourself, because you were doing it anyway!

Because you don’t want to be accountable to him anymore.

Then he also looks pretty stupid. How now – she does it alone? What do I contribute to it now?

If he insists and money continues to come into your account from him, then transfer it directly to closed savings accounts of your children. For their education.

He who pays the piper, calls the tune!

Have you heard the following statements: “As long as you put your feet under my table…!” or “Who pays/drives? You or me?”

Again, as a reminder, we’re not talking about the ex-partners who have no interest in seeing the mother of their children groveling in the dust.

I mean the ones who absolutely want to maintain control over their ex-partner and children at all times.

Since most of them also earn well, they can afford it. Especially those who have previously paid so much attention to the fact that the classic distribution of roles was lived at home.

Money is an instrument of power. Whether we like it or not.

But we have the choice of whether we let it do that to us – whether we let ourselves be overpowered.

Conclusion: What values are important to you?

For me, for example, it has always been independence, especially financial independence. I never wanted to be dependent on the money my parents gave me in the early days of my career.

So even today it is unbearable for me that I could be dependent on the financial contributions of my ex.

At the same time, I definitely see that it’s just right that fathers take an appropriate share in the financial burden of having children.

But if the alimony is used subliminally or openly as a means to continue to control and manipulate, emotionally burden or even blackmail the ex-partner and mother of the children, then it is up to her to allow it or not.

Because even if something is legally right, it doesn’t mean that you are comfortable with it. That it will help you in your situation.

Consider: Is my contentment and serenity worth, say, 289 euros? What is the value of my mental state? 350 Euros? Or 400?

“But Heidi,” you’re probably thinking to yourself now, “I really need the money – I don’t know how else to pay for everything!”

Okay, my dear, you wouldn’t have it any other way:

What will you do if your Ex can’t pay from one day to the next, for example, because he became unemployed or had to file for personal bankruptcy? Or – if he dies?

Necessity is the mother of invention. I am convinced that in this case you would think of many ways how you could earn additional money (legally and ethically of course!). Because you would have to.

The key to your future, healthier attitude could therefore be:

Moving away from thinking “I can’t live without supporting him” to asking “How can I make more money?”

If you’d like, we’d be happy to work together to figure out how and what you could do on the side to not only make ends meet better, but also do without the child support payments at the same time.

See how you can fill the gaps yourself. Be happy when the money comes, but never rely on it. Transfer the money right away to a separate account for the children and never, at all costs, allow the to Ex starve you out on the long arm.

Don’t fight and invest your energy in something you won’t be able to change: his unreliability. His idea that you are accountable to him for what you do with the money.

Remember: independence from your ex’s monthly child support payments is a powerful anchor.

Use it as you consider going your own way – toward more serenity in dealing with his antics and toward more success in your life. As a doer, not a humble money receiver.

What are your thoughts on this?

Goodbye alimony – or better yet, bring it on, but pronto?

Let me know in the comments – I look forward to a lively discussion!