No matter where you are on your journey with your toxic ex – at some point, every mother has to ask herself whether she should keep fighting for her child, or to let go.

In this article, I would like to help you make a decision that is right for you if you are currently feeling very insecure.

This question becomes very precarious when the next legal instance is imminent, there is no more money and you have no idea how to pay the last bill from the lawyer. Not to mention your own energy reserves, which have been in the red for a long time.

Which decision is the right one?

First of all, I want to assure you that it’s your decision. And not that of your mother, your lawyer, your girlfriend, your partner, the mothers’ group on Facebook, your counselor, your coach or even the current judge.

And this decision affects you and the child you are dealing with. If you have several children – regardless of whether they are all affected by the proceedings or just one of them – it also affects them.

Outsiders often have no idea how incredibly exhausting and stressful many years of legal battles with a highly toxic ex-partner can be.

Every terrible, abstruse, defamatory lie has to be read, emotionally processed and responded to.

Again and again you have to justify yourself and convince strangers that you are “the good one” and that the devil is sitting back there. Can’t they see that for themselves? It’s so obvious!

You are constantly being judged, scrutinized and eyed with suspicion: Am I a “good” mother? What does “good” even mean in this context? Am I no longer allowed to have or make mistakes?

Women often don’t have the best self-confidence, let alone a healthy self-esteem – it was precisely this lack that was served in the narcissistic relationship with the Ex!

They themselves constantly doubt whether they are a “good” mother for their child because they have been so bossy again recently. Or because they can’t really cook well (which the ex always accused them of). Or they are currently in chaos at home because they are working three jobs to support themselves and their child, because the Ex is not paying maintenance and is using a delaying strategy in the maintenance process.

I deeply admire my clients who have allowed me to experience the court journey! They are amazing women who develop incredible strength, even though they are really scared and face the demon of the court process bravely time and time again.

Even though I use my COURT ROYAL court preparation program to support my clients in appearing confidently in court, the dynamics are simply unpredictable depending on the case, let alone strategically plannable.

In the following sections, I offer you a concrete evaluation aid: Every plus point would be in favor of fighting in court, a minus point against.

In the end, it all comes down to your gut feeling.

Take out your journal now and answer the questions below for yourself.

Should you take legal action yourself?

If you’ve never been to court with your toxic ex, it always depends on your current situation – and your lawyer, who you’ll need in any case, regardless of whether or not a lawsuit is pending.

• How unbearable is the current situation for you at the moment in terms of your child’s contact with the father? (+1)
• Does he keep taking the child without consulting you? (+1)
• Does he refuse to pay child support? (In this case, it is better to hand this aspect over to the youth welfare office)
• Does he refuse to pay separation or post-marital maintenance for you? (-1)
• Is your child still very young (baby/kindergarten)? (+1)
• Do you suspect child sexual abuse? (+5)
• Do you have a really good lawyer with whom you feel comfortable and who doesn’t give the impression of wanting to rip off your ex right now (+1)

*A lawyer who is extremely “committed” to pushing the highly toxic ex to the wall financially may not even know what kind of custody and contact tsunami he is conjuring up in the long term.

Proceedings always cost energy – if the first proceedings are “only” about money, you will waste your energy right from the start. With a toxic ex-partner, you need a long-term strategy. You’re a marathon runner, not a 50-metre sprinter who finishes after a few minutes.

Of course, exceptions prove the rule, especially when it comes to valuable assets such as property and joint companies. But in any case, be prepared to be more generous here and discuss this with your lawyer – of course only in return for smart, written agreements, right, Sweetheart?

If you suspend the visits without prior court proceedings for good reasons – after consulting your lawyer, of course – then the ball is in your toxic Ex’s court.

Let him make good on his threat and go to court.

In any case, you’re ready.

A small interjection:

Doing everything you can to avoid going to court – in other words, letting yourself be blackmailed, allowing the alternating residency model on a trial basis, signing everything your ex puts in front of you, not having your own lawyer and continuing to hope that he’ll let it all go if you’re just nice and well-behaved – is NOT an option, by the way.

Because that won’t work.

Remember: A toxic ex is not a normal adversary. He is unpredictable, especially if you have a Mean Bastard or even a Devil on the other side. That’s why you can comply with his demands today and believe that everything is ok and that he’ll finally give up, only to have the letter from the court in your letterbox tomorrow.

So if he calls the court, go into the ring and get all the support you can.

And no – your Ex is not an almighty god, even if he is a chief doctor or a lawyer or a celebrity!

A few years and instances later, things will look very different

In the meantime, both of you have lost ground. Sometimes the proceedings end positively for him, sometimes for you. But you should never rest on your laurels. A toxic Ex won’t stop because he’s not interested in reaching a consensus.

Or he hasn’t yet achieved his ultimate goal of destroying you.

In the meantime, you have gone through one or more expert opinions, worn out several case workers at the youth welfare office and countless counselors and mediators. You have already had to agree to the alternating residency model against your will and both you and your child are living more badly than well with it.

It’s becoming increasingly clear that the dynamics of the process and the tip of the scales are going against you.

Your child is becoming more and more confused and is in an enormous conflict. It has become behaviorally conspicuous, is failing at school and has obviously been hopelessly manipulated by the father during his contact time.

And you finally get a worst-case court ruling: the child is to live with the father from now on and you get contact every two weeks.

The toxic Ex has won.

Now good advice is expensive

If the judgment was handed down at the normal local court, you have the option of going to the next higher instance at the Higher Regional Court. This happens quite often in highly contentious proceedings.

You can also learn to master this.

I even have the impression that the higher you go through the instances, the more you have to deal with professionals who know their way around and you won’t find any small-kingdom family judges there.

Therefore: Don’t be afraid of the Higher Court for reasons of respect!

However, if the worst-case judgment was handed down at the Higher Court (or if the Higher Court did not even allow you to file a lawsuit), you could still appeal to the Federal Court of Justice under certain circumstances.

Pooh. That’s a completely different matter.

You will also need a different lawyer in this case. However, your current lawyer should discuss with you exactly what your chances of success are and what this means for you.

Regardless of the upcoming instance, the question remains: fight or let go?

Plus points for fighting, minus points for letting go.

Your child is still very young (0-3 years old): +3
Your child is between 4 – approx. 8 years old: +2
Your child is over 9 years old: -1
Your child is in puberty: -3
Your Ex is a pedophile or violent: +5
Your child has a really good relationship with the father and likes being with him: – 5
Your child wants this shit to stop and wants peace: -3
Your child is in a severe conflict of loyalty and doesn’t know what it wants: -3
You have no more money and don’t know how you could get it: -1
You want to finally end the emotional and financial power your Ex has in your life through the ongoing court cases: -5
As you can see, the smaller the child, the more you should fight for a good judgment and take bad decisions for the child to the next higher court for review.

Certainly if there are indications that the Ex is a pedophile and/or violent!

The older the child is and the more you would fight against his will (even if this was manipulated by the Ex – and this is likely to be the case with toxic child fathers in 99.9% of cases), the more likely it is that you should accept the judgment now.

Fighting against the toxic manipulation of the child’s father is like tilting at windmills.

Going to the barricades as a precaution to prevent this and adopting the maximum strategy – no contact with the child’s father from the outset – can only backfire.

Your main focus should be on what your child needs now. Be very honest with yourself about this!

The older he gets, the more he will be able to tell you and make you understand. After all, you know them best! Sometimes you can empathize better than you can with yourself, can’t you, sweetheart?

Even if your child is torn because they don’t want to choose between two parents: If you’re the one who takes the decision away from them so they can finally settle down, all the more proof of your love.

So if you collect an unfair court ruling that is actually not in the child’s welfare (in terms of emotional manipulation), then you are the one who can end the tug-of-war over the child.

But what do the others say?

When I read about disastrous worst-case court rulings and the subsequent decision by a mother to let go, there is usually always an outcry from the community.

“But you have to fight for your child!”

As if you haven’t been doing it for years!

I’m sure many mothers’ activists would also like to see such cases go all the way to the highest courts so that precedents are finally set that could also help future generations.

However, I believe that this path is not suitable for all mothers. Or rather, not every mother is cut out for this path.

Quite apart from the fact that a mother is not treated with kid gloves in court: I think it’s more than understandable if she says at some point: “I’m not doing this to myself anymore.”

Especially when her lawyer, who has looked after her very well over the last few years, makes it clear to her that she will only get more wounds if she continues.

Another aspect: the constant court battles, answers, statements and conversations with the lawyer have become such a daily routine over the years that the mothers concerned have hardly had time to pause.

When all of this stops, a huge, yawning void can arise.

This is because years of fighting with a toxic ex often masks the true core.

Once the fight is over, the real work begins – on yourself

What kind of life do you actually want to lead, sweetheart?

What sense could the current parenting journey with your toxic ex have made so far? Or what meaning can you give it afterwards?

You can also ask yourself these questions:

What life would I actually lead if I wasn’t a mom?

What could my life look like if I no longer gave my ex the opportunity to siphon energy from me?

When you think you’ve lost the child and your purpose in life is no longer there

Many affected mothers believe they have lost their child as soon as it is awarded to the father.

This is not true. Your child will always remain your child – it hasn’t died!

I always compare it to the image of replacing the strong, firm bond between you and your child with a rubber band.

After all, the past, intimate years of building a bond cannot be wiped away – not even by a toxic Ex!

Please also realize that your attitude can either strengthen or massively weaken your child.

If you think your child is incapable of surviving emotionally in the narcissistic household (even though you’ve grown up that way yourself), then you’re doing them a disservice.

Quite the opposite: you know what’s going on!

You can accompany him on his journey with his toxic relatives in a completely different way than you experienced back then. Yes, even if the ex currently spends the lion’s share of time with the child and theoretically has more opportunities to brainwash him.

But he generally has them in the residential model too.

The biggest favor you can do your child right now?

By finding inner peace and balance, seeking and maintaining contact with your child – no matter what else the toxic Ex may come up with – and continuing to believe in your child and give him guidance.

Don’t be unsettled if other mothers meet you with a lack of understanding because they are at the very beginning of their own journey and are still full of fighting spirit.

You have now reached a completely different level of maturity on your parenting journey with a toxic ex.

To me, you are a wise, extremely courageous heroine who doesn’t need to hide her scars and scars.

You fought – with money, hope, courage, tears and always your heart.

And even if it may seem like you’ve lost now – in the long run, you will win.

Without another court case.

How do you see it? Please leave a comment below and share your thoughts with the other moms who are currently mulling it over.

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