Lots of moms I connect with, either on Facebook or during coaching consultations, share a common worry: “If I get a lawyer, my (soon-to-be) ex will lose it, and things between us will only get worse!”

This thought alone contains the whole terrible truth.

If you’re worried that your ex will freak out and get angry, then he has done this in the past.

If you’re afraid of him, he’s probably done something more than just once in the past, so your fear is not unfounded.

He may have threatened you and tried to blackmail you: “If you don’t agree to this or that, it will be your fault if we have to go to court! And then the children will come to me, because fathers have far more rights today than they used to!”

You’re probably also afraid of what your neighbors or friends might think of you if you hire a lawyer to represent your interests. And whether you won’t give your soon-to-be-ex a lot of fodder for hateful opinions about you.

And because he’s been psychologically abusing you for so long, you’re really not so sure that you’re not the one destroying the family and possibly ruining the children’s childhood.

Well, where is the best place to start?

The best place to start is with a story

Imagine you were married to Nils. Nils is a nice man, you’ve known each other for ages, practically from the sandpit. At some point, you started making out as teenagers, then you got married after university and had two children in quick succession.

As Nils is a modern man, he supported you right from the start. You had a precise plan, he also took a year’s parental leave so that you wouldn’t have to stay away from your good job for too long. And when he started working again, he spoke to his boss beforehand that he now has a family and that it comes first. He wants to be there for the young children, not like his own father. And so he says quite clearly: overtime is no longer an option, please take that into account. But we’ll manage – and if not, I’ll look for another job.

Clear message, clear Nils. A great partner and a present, loving dad for the kids.

He’s also a considerate and attentive man who treats his children responsibly and lovingly. You have a picture-perfect marriage.

But alas. Toddlerhood with two kids is incredibly exhausting, and at some point you realize that you’re running out of steam and don’t want to sleep together anymore. But it’s also kind of okay, because after all, everyday life is rippling along smoothly.

And bam – Nils meets another woman at work and rediscovers his passions.

He doesn’t beat around the bush for long. He speaks to you as soon as he realizes what he wants: to be with this other woman and no longer with you, his quasi-sister.

There are tears, there is sadness, you fall into a deep hole.

But you also sense that he’s right and that he still likes you and is incredibly sorry that he brought this situation about.

​How do you think this story would go on if you actually had a Nils like that?

Do you think you would run out and hire the toughest lawyer and threaten Nils that he would never see his children again?

Do you think you couldn’t sit down with a Nils and work together to find a care and contact solution that is the best possible for the children so that they can get through this blip in their lives?

Do you think that such a Nils would ever object to the kids being accompanied by a child therapist during the separation?

Or can you imagine that this Nils would want to rip you off and ruin the mother of his children financially and emotionally?

You may be surprised, but they do exist, these Nils.

And – do you have one at home?

Hardly. If you’ve been following me for a while, then your Stefan or Thomas or Markus or XY is more likely to be a toxic-narcissistic psychopath.

And Sweetheart, that means you need to protect yourself now and as early as possible and you need a strong support system to accompany you on your journey after the relationship.

And the very first person you bring into your support system should be a very good, confident, biting legal advisor who is familiar with toxic-narcissistic opponents and can also stand up to a judge rhetorically.

I have already described how to find one in this blog article.

Don’t wait too long.

Listen to your gut feeling.

You don’t need a copy of your own addiction to harmony, but someone who has exactly the skills that you currently lack.

Especially if you wait too long out of a misguided “I don’t want to escalate the argument unnecessarily” hesitation or hire an inexperienced, listless, “best-we-find-a-quick-settlement” lawyer, you’ll break more glass and set a course that will be very difficult to undo later.

It’s not you who is escalating the argument between you, but your toxic ex!

Make sure you realize that.

Apart from the fact that you would also need a lawyer if you had a Nils, provided you were married, because you need at least one joint lawyer for a divorce.

If you have a lovely Nils, you could certainly imagine having a joint lawyer (I did the same thing myself when I divorced my first husband), but don’t get involved with a joint lawyer as soon as you have the slightest inkling that your Thomas or Stefan could turn ugly.

Don’t let yourself be softened up if he tells you that he has no more money because this or that has gone wrong.

You take care of your own business – and he has to take care of his.

For your part, you don’t want to rip your ex off or bleed him dry financially (I know you, sweetheart!), you just want your peace and quiet. That’s what you’re focusing on. Period.

Sure, your ex will claim otherwise and tell you otherwise.

But he will proceed regardless of whether you agree to all his suggestions initially “to avoid escalating the divorce” or whether you calmly hire a lawyer.

If you’ve willingly said Yes and Amen to everything he wanted, and then he shamelessly fabricates stories about you to portray himself as a victim and rally support, you can’t just stand on the street corner, throw your hands up, and loudly recount everything you’ve done to appease him and protect the children.

In the hope that every former neighbor will hear.

It doesn’t work.

You know that you are the more empathetic, softer part of this – later referred to as – highly conflicted parent couple.

And the time after the separation will very likely be highly conflictual, depending on how much toxic energy your ex has.

So the argument will escalate either way, no matter how nice you are today.

Oh my god.

Oh, you know what?

It doesn’t matter what other people call your post-marital parenting later on.

The important thing is that you move forward one step at a time and do the best you can to counter or deflect the Ex’s attacks, to protect yourself and the children.

Of course you will make offers and compromises – if they are good for the children.

Of course you will also have to learn to let go.

Of course you are sociable and don’t want to escalate the argument!

Please don’t let anyone tell you that it takes two to argue.

With a toxic-narcissistic ex-partner, you have someone next to you who can argue all by themselves. No matter how addicted to harmony you are – if you don’t want to go to the dogs, you need a strong hand in court to support you.

Bottom line: please find a lawyer, will you? Will you promise me that?

If you like, you can also leave your recommendation here under this blog article. Thank you very much!

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