You know how it is: Your Ex brings your daughter back after the weekend of contact and laughingly tells you – at 5:30pm – that she just slept in the car for the last half hour. Must have been because they had been out all day and the child didn’t get her usual afternoon nap.

You know what that means. Your 3-year-old has so much energy fueled up that she will likely stay up all night. In addition, she will still be very hyper and grumpy because she has not had enough sleep. The evening is already over.

You’re annoyed, because this thoughtlessness used to get you in a rage, too!

Or your child is already older and your Ex picks him up from school without letting you know. Okay, at least he called the afternoon care and said that he would take the boy home right away because he had the day off. Just not to you. And you call late afternoon care where the kid is staying and then you are “informed”.

Or he doesn’t tell you that he won’t have any time for the children on the weekend of contact because he is away with Next – and sends dear grandma instead so that the children can spend this weekend with her.

Yes, there is a real abundance of opportunities and situations that can get us single moms pretty riled up!

You, I’m right there with you.

I used to get worked up a lot. I think what annoyed me the most was the inconsideration and the incredible selfishness with which you can walk through life like that and not give a damn about the needs of a baby or a school child.

But now it’s like this, we have known for a long time that you won’t achieve anything, nothing at all, if you confront your ex and make a proper announcement.

If you are honest with yourself, then you remember that it did not work before to convert the Ex to the understanding, when you were still together.

So why should there be even a hint of hope that yelling at him after the breakup will change anything?

See.

Anger issues and constantly practicing composure in everyday life are core issues for us single moms, especially when we have a difficult ex-partner.

You always have an option on how to act, though. Always.

The golden rule I can’t repeat often enough: No reaction in the immediate moment! No phone. No writing an email. No argumentation.

Because: You are a stone.

So if you theoretically know that yelling at and arguing with the Ex won’t help, then you can approach the issue differently. Namely with yourself.

Because only if you become more and more aware of the connections through self-reflection, you can better protect your Achilles’ heel and no longer be so easily hyped up.

These 5 questions are a good start:

1) What exactly is upsetting you? Find the trigger.

What triggers you so much that you not only get frustrated and acknowledge the behavior with a sigh, but might explode right away? Such a trigger shows you a lot about yourself. Be sure to follow it up!

What can you actively do so that these triggers can no longer affect you?

2) Which value that is important to you is being violated?

Is it reliability, orderliness, consideration? Attachment parenting, punctuality, sense of family? Recognition from others, a sheltered childhood for your children, financial security?

If you find that certain values are more important to you than to your ex, you should learn to let go. You cannot expect others not to violate your values. Especially not your ex.

Of course, for a well-protected childhood of your children, your Ex is – actually – also in the boat, but if he doesn’t want to, then that’s just the way it is. Your children will learn to cope with it. Guaranteed.

Concentrate on the values that you can realize and live yourself. And show that to your children – after all, you are the other half of their parents!

3) Who benefits from a fight?

When you share custody with a suspected narcissistically disturbed Ex, drama and arguments are the salt in his soup. His energy.

He also has another proof of how insane and disturbed you are when you act out in fury. That pleases him extraordinarily.

It may well be that he will conjure up more and more situations like this afterwards because he enjoys it so much.

So don’t give him the pleasure.

Make yourself boring.

Ignore his antics where you can.

So that he loses the desire to abuse you as a source of energy.

4) Who will suffer the most?

Well, who do you think? You, of course. And the kids, no doubt.

Unlike a clarifying thunderstorm, you can’t have a “healthy” argument with a narcissist. The negative energy is still in the room for a long time, in your body, in your mind.

If your thoughts are still with the ex and the argument for hours or even days afterwards, you can’t simultaneously think about yourself, pay attention to your feelings, make new plans, or increase your self-worth.

You’re kind of stuck, trapped in the helplessness you feel.

5) What can your life look like if you never get into a fight with your Ex again?

Try to imagine it. Write it down. Every detail you can think of. The more vivid your imagination becomes, the sooner you will have a concrete picture in your heart and order the universe where you want to go.

What are your secret wishes or plans that you have already put aside with or because of the children?

Conclusion

I know very well how it feels to be helplessly exposed to such powerless situations and to get the feeling that you absolutely have to do something now – even if it is only to confront your Ex!

The problem, however, is that we are not usually dealing with “normal” conflicts here that need to be put on the table so that the air can be cleared and you can move on afterwards.

With suspected narcissistic men, this is not possible. Therefore: orderly, calm retreat without counterattack. Without drama. Without turmoil at home.

Freak-outs are never commanding; rather, they are always a sign of great helplessness.

Oh yes, Lion Mom, I know you stand ready with claws extended to protect your children from the unbelievable that happens with you every day!

But: You can’t protect your children from their own daddy. At least not as long as everything is subtle and only visible and audible to a few eyes and ears, what is happening there. Not as long as he doesn’t hit the children (of course if he does, you should react and pull out all the stops!).

You can only focus on yourself, on your possibilities to be a great role model and thus strengthen the children on their way to adulthood.

Therefore, the best thing you can pass on to your children is to make sure that you yourself are strong, confident, and calm about your life and no longer let your ex’s antics take emotional reins out of your hands.

When your life is rich and full of the things that are important to you – and that you can live – then you will find that, in time, you will become heartily indifferent to your ex.

How do you see that? I look forward to your comment below!