Communicating with a toxic ex is always a challenge for us mothers.

If there were no children involved, it would be ridiculously easy: just delete him from the phone book (or block him from xxx), block him on Whatsapp and Facebook, and never make the slightest contact again. Not even on holidays or his birthday.

Just let it be.That’s it, show’s over.
Lesson learned, thank you very much. I’m out of here.
Goodbye forever.

The magic word is “No Contact!” (okay, okay, it’s two words. And an exclamation mark!)

With a child together, things look fundamentally different. We have to communicate whether we want to or not. Sometimes less (if you have sole custody, for example) and sometimes more (if you share custody) or an unbearable amount (in the split or joint custody model).

Today I would like to give you a list of guidelines to help you determine how best to communicate with the toxic ex while also protecting yourself from his bullying and spite.

1) No communication about trivial stuff.

Focus on what you need to communicate with him. There is a big, gray field of everyday concerns that may or may not be worth sharing. Decide for yourself which ones matter. After all, he will do the same and won’t give a damn about whether you know everything he experiences with the child.

2) No WhatsApp or text contact with your personal number

Don’t give him a chance to think he can contact you at any time. Instant communication between you and the child’s father is not necessary for your child to grow up psychologically healthy and have a happy childhood!

You want to give him the opportunity to reach you at short notice in case he is late for the child handover? In this case, get a separate, simple prepaid cell phone with its own number. It doesn’t cost much and it can relieve you of a great deal of everyday stress, since you only have to use it on the days of contact.

3) No phone

Generally speaking, you should avoid talking to him on the phone at all costs. There is an extremely high risk that he will verbally attack you again or say something mean, even if the reason for the call was harmless.

So only use the phone in emergencies, and only on the contact cell phone.

​4) Communicate everything via email

Yes, even if it seems terribly retro and he doesn’t like writing emails. That’s his problem.

Yes, even if you are used to sending a text quickly to find out what happened to the blue trousers you gave the child for the weekend.

You should practice impulse control, too. IN ANY CASE, DON’T CALL!

Remember what is at stake: Your peace of mind in everyday life.

It’s best to get a separate email account from a completely different provider than your current private mailbox.

This has many advantages:

• You can install a separate app on your cell phone for which you can switch off the notifications/banners/sounds and license plates. This is essential to get some peace into your everyday life.
• You get to decide when you read his emails! Not him, when he wants to pour his reproachful, spiteful sermon over your soul!
  Of course you will see them at some point anyway. But you can do some mental preparation, make a nice cup of tea, take two deep breaths and then open your inbox.
  Huge difference, my dear!
• Additional advantage: Since you have neatly separated the emails from your private inbox, you can always open your inbox to your lawyer without having to forward every piece of nonsense to him or her.
  

You will inform him objectively as soon as the mailbox is set up. Make it clear in the email that you are interested in good parenting and that this new structure is in the child’s interest, as it will help you both to better separate custody and contact issues as parents from the former couple level.

Write to him that you will regularly check the email inbox twice a week, for example on Mondays and Thursdays. The cell phone for contact is available for possible emergency communication and will be switched on during contact days.

Emails to his private inbox will no longer be answered with immediate effect.

Of course, you will have to stick to this yourself.

Will he like that? Of course not. Depending on his temperament, he will also freak out. How dare you take control of the communication channels?

His problem – hang in there! It’s about protecting your peace, sweetheart!

5) Be sure to demonstrate your willingness to cooperate in every email.

This is very important now. Of course, you want to move towards “parallel parenting” in the long term, even if all institutions like to insist on forcing high-conflict parents to co-parent. Unfortunately, that doesn’t work, and you and I already know that.

Nevertheless, you absolutely have to play the game.

From the very beginning, when you know that separation is on the cards, please start keeping in mind that everything you write can end up in court at any time.

Every mother with a toxic ex will sooner or later be accused of “attachment intolerance” in court. You can interpret any behavior one way or the other, but if the players involved in the court case are brainwashed to read all written evidence through the attachment intolerance glasses, then you must not give this argument any fertile ground from the outset by formulating every – really every! – email in your communication with the toxic ex

• in a factual
• polite and
• non-dramatic

way. Please do not use

• any accusations
• irony, sarcasm, cynicism, scorn or ridicule.

Write sentences like: “I am very interested in us as parents finding a cooperative common ground for our child.”

Before you send the email, ask yourself: What would a judge think of this email?

Consider every communication with the ex in terms of factual documentation of his personality disorder, and emphasize your ability to empathize and lovingly keep the child’s best interests in mind.

If necessary, sleep on it for another night, especially if you have a fairly important topic to discuss with the Ex.

Which brings us to the next point:

6) How you communicate with him when push comes to shove

You urgently need a decision? You really want an answer?

Be prepared for the fact that you won’t get an important decision in a timely manner. Of course he’ll keep you waiting.

If it’s about extremely important topics – such as registration deadlines for daycare, after-school care or school – be prepared to have the signature replaced.

You already have a good lawyer, don’t you? Prepare everything well in advance.

Communicate a clear date to your ex (“I need your consent and your signature by XX.XX.XX”).

Give him a chance to raise any objections or make any counter-proposals early on.

You may not be able to avoid mediation. Just grit your teeth and get on with it!

The bottom line is that he will let you down. Especially if he knows that you need his signature for child care so that you can go to work and free yourself from him financially in the long term.

So go to a lawyer right after the date and get him to sign in court.

Don’t start any trench warfare! No shouting, no accusations, no justification! See rule no. 5!

Just act. Clearly and firmly.

Will he do the same again next time? Maybe – maybe not, and one shot across the bow is enough.

7) Do not be overzealous in your obedience

Do you feel noble and good-natured? Do you dislike any kind of quarrel? Do you just want your peace and quiet and not be like the other women, whose clichés you have already heard everywhere and which are constantly in the news – à la “the evil mother tried to keep the father from his child!”

No, you are not like that!

And you start to prove it with great zeal.

Hold on!

Before you give him an extra day of access here, another one there, a long weekend here, and five days at a stretch there, think about where it will lead.
Especially if your child is not doing well with the additional access and your gut is already churning.

Facts for a nightmarish alternating custody construct can be quickly created and are very difficult to sweep off the table.

Unless you really enjoy having to communicate with the toxic ex on a daily basis.

Personally, however, I consider this to be rather unlikely.

8) Let go of the idea that you can make the toxic Ex do anything.

Unfortunately, you can’t control and influence your Ex’s actions from the outside.

You won’t be able to get him to refrain from doing something (e.g. saying stupid things about you in front of the child) or to do something (e.g. practicing for important school work on his days of contact).

You can only act yourself. Form an opinion yourself. Adopt your own attitude. Work on yourself.

You can’t change him. That didn’t work out in the relationship either, did it?

So let go of that.

A healthy mental attitude is more important. 

9) Never write or call when you are very emotional.

Your training in composure is your top priority.

Admittedly, you will have a lot of potential for practice. God knows! So don’t get worked up if it doesn’t go smoothly at the beginning.

But if he really gets to you and you blow up, then start picturing a mental switch in your head: the switch simply turns off the power to the computer or telephone.

So to speak, metaphorically speaking.

Yes, there will be such situations in which he may harm the child through his irresponsibility!

If you react to it immediately and angrily, the smart strategy is out the window, especially if the court hassle is not over yet. You can’t undo what happened anyway.

But what you could do is write an email a few days later, when you have calmed down, saying that you have noticed this and this and asking him to refrain from doing so in the future because it is not in the best interest of the child. And bang, you have documented it right away.

Would you please do yourself a favor? Thanks.

10) Do not answer any toxic emails from him directly

How should you actually react when he needs something from you or requests information?

It’s simple: if the email is written in a factual and polite manner, you answer it back in an appropriately factual and polite manner.

On your email check days, of course. But in any case, at the latest, so that you don’t have to worry about anything.

If, on the other hand, the tone of his email is completely inappropriate, don’t answer. Get into the habit of scanning. Don’t let your eyes get sucked in by every word, but just skim over what it’s about.

If it’s a normal everyday concern and the email is dripping with scorn and reproach, you can confidently put it in the appropriate folder and not answer it.

He can go to hell!

If, on the other hand, it is an important topic and you have to expect it to come back to haunt you later, then open a new email.

Refer to the email from so-and-so with the subject XYZ. Answer the open question factually and without attack or justification

Not a word about the impossible tone.

Not even with the original email as an attachment. Don’t send his filth back and forth.

If you refer to his email from… at… o’clock, that’s enough to be able to establish a context later.

Remember – he feeds on the idea that he has the power to control your emotions and actions. At least that’s how he wants it.
Don’t indulge him.

Make yourself as boring as possible.

Never give up hope that at some point the toxic narcissists will no longer be in the mood to constantly provide written proof of their lack of psychological maturity.

Summary

So, if I want to boil this article down to one thing, it’s this:

Embrace the notion that communication between you and the toxic ex has only one goal – to document your ability as a mentally stable mother to cooperatively shape the joint parenting of your child.

Along the way, his impossible behavior automatically documents itself.

What do you think? I look forward to your opinion in the comments below!