Are you aware of your beliefs regarding the family court and your role in the proceedings? It’s quite possible that you haven’t thought about this yet because you’ve accepted these sentences as truth.

But that’s no longer the case now!

Below you can see the most common beliefs that I notice among the mothers who follow me.

Do you recognize your own beliefs among these?

Here is the complete list of all the beliefs that you should get rid of as quickly as possible – you will find the explanations for each individual belief below:

1. I finally get justice in family court.
2. The judge will immediately recognize that something is wrong with my ex – it’s so obvious?!
3. I’m going to tell the judge everything about the type of guy my ex is – his ears will ring when he hears it!
4. A report from a psychologist will finally reveal your ex’s narcissistic personality disorder – bring it on! After all, I’m healthy.
5. They’re all going to let their ex wrap them around their fingers – he’s so good at talking and I can’t hold a candle to him.
6. I will lose my children like that one mom from the mothers’ forum.
7. My lawyer will sort it out.
8. Everyone is against me!
9. But you can’t give a child to live with this father?
10. I have no chance anyway – the child’s father himself is a lawyer, judge, celebrity, managing director, chief physician and has super good connections.

1. I finally get justice in family court

You may be surprised, but the family court does not ensure justice in discordant families.

The family court is required to make a decision if the parents cannot agree – so responsibility for the decision is transferred to an official. It’s all about the application in question, and not about determining whether the marriage or relationship was traumatic for you, or affirming that your ex is highly toxic.

If you give up this belief and no longer go into the courtroom with these expectations, you have already gained a lot.

The court is also not there to help you and take your side, even if you are the “good” one. Therefore, be prepared to deal with the case soberly and very objectively. This is hard to digest when our gold treasures are at stake, but you protect yourself from getting hurt because outsiders will look at your dramatic situation very objectively and soberly.

2. The judge will immediately see that something is wrong with my ex – it’s so obvious?!

Sweetheart, how long did it take you to figure out that your ex was toxic? Give the judge at least one or two hearings so that he can develop his knowledge of human nature.

What is so obvious to you today is not necessarily the case to outsiders. Narcissism has an incredible number of facets, and a covert narcissist in particular can fly under the radar very easily.

Be patient with your judge. Stay within yourself and your focus on your child when arguing.

3. I’m going to tell the judge everything about the type of guy my ex is – his ears will ring when he hears it!

Leave it. In the courtroom, your job is not to lecture the judge and everyone else present and perhaps even point out the ex’s narcissism. Quite the opposite: For the officials, you are one of two parties in a high-conflict case. To the judge, you are NOT neutral.

Instead, ask yourself how you can help the judge make the right decision for your child.

It’s better to get a good therapist to work through the traumatic relationship – that’s really her job.

​4. A report from a psychologist will finally reveal your ex’s narcissistic personality disorder – bring it on! After all, I’m healthy.

If the child still lives with you and it’s just a question of a different model of interaction – for example the alternating model – with a report you bring an unmanageable dynamic into the boat.

Apart from the fact that nowadays a judge can order an expert opinion incredibly quickly, even without you explicitly asking for it, there is no reason to be happy. Experts believe that around 75% of all reports are incorrect.

I have already written several blog articles about this, please read here and here so that you are prepared.

The bottom line is that an appraisal costs a lot of money and the result is always questionable. If the report is positive for you, it doesn’t mean that you will win. If it is negative, it will hang on you through all instances and you will need more money for a counter-appraisal.

5. Your ex will have you wrapped around his finger in no time – he’s so good at talking and I can’t hold a candle to him.

Don’t believe that someone who can speak well and argue well will always be convincing when it comes to love for a child.

You have a completely different strength and power in the courtroom: your empathy and your motherly love, which, if you work on it and don’t let yourself be overwhelmed by the urge to “want to please”, will quickly make even the most sober judge realize where the children are better off .

Yes, it may happen that a covert narcissist is particularly good at imitating the image of the loving father – at first. But sooner or later they unmask themselves, especially if they carry out one narcissistic action after another in the background, which are undoubtedly directed against the child’s well-being and only correspond to their ego.

6. I will lose my children like that mom from the mothers’ forum

No you won’t, sweetheart.

This other mother had a very specific judge in a very specific court, a very specific legal guardian, a very specific youth welfare officer, a very specific lawyer, one or more children aged X with very specific needs and behaviors and, last but not least, a very specific one toxic ex with a particularly malignant personality element.

Now you can calculate for yourself how much of this can be transferred to you 1:1.

Yes, there are dynamics in court that cannot be controlled. You have to concentrate all the more on yourself and on your options for acting and, above all, thinking.

7. My lawyer will sort it out

No, sweetheart. Please do not hand over your fate and that of your children to a third party!

You hire your lawyer as a team partner in the lousy game your ex is playing with you and your children. But your lawyer doesn’t take the mental helm for you!

It is also important that you are clear about what you can expect from legal aid. In any case, not all-round care – your lawyer doesn’t have time for that, because he has to accept full-paying fees in order to be able to feed himself. What he is allowed to bill via VKH is downright ridiculous in contrast to the volume of work he will have to do with your highly contentious case.

I recommend that you read up on yourself and work on your posture so that you can make things easier for your lawyer and help him better in the courtroom.

8. Everyone is against me!

Really, everyone? Sometimes it seems as if the wall of professionals who believe that a father should have more rights over his child seems insurmountably high. And at first the child’s father may have an easy time if he is in a good rhetorical mood and everyone seems to fall for his lies.

Nevertheless, the judge still makes the decision. You must concentrate on him/her.

Going to court with a toxic ex-partner is a marathon, not a sprint. Don’t give up right from the start and please don’t give up your mental power at the door before you even enter the courtroom!

9. But you can’t give a child to live with this father?

Oh yes, sweetheart. Obviously you can give any child access to any father. Sad but true.

In any case, a narcissistic personality disorder is not a reason, even if the manipulations and instrumentalizations that are part of the clinical picture for these people can greatly damage the child’s mental development.

If behavior that is extremely dangerous to the child’s well-being is the order of the day, then try to obtain supervised contact.

When the child deals with his toxic creator, letting go is the top priority.

And you know what? If you strengthen yourself on your side, show your attitude and your boundaries more clearly, then you are a wonderful orientation for your child, and then he or she will not be lost.

You are the other 50%!

10. I have no chance anyway – the child’s father himself is a lawyer / judge / celebrity / managing director / chief physician and has super good connections.

But is he also God? Hardly likely.

Don’t give him any more power in your head than he already has on the outside. Even a lawyer or a judge is not above the law!

Yes, in this case you need more clarity in your argument and more courage to stand up and advocate for your child!

But please always remember: yours is empathy and motherhood. The warm-heartedness and your genuine interest in ensuring that your child grows up protected and has a wonderful childhood under the given circumstances.

This is your superpower.

Now go in there and tell the judge what your child needs – even if he or she is extremely confused and is constantly wavering back and forth between you and the child’s father in a loyalty conflict.

Good luck, sweetheart!

What beliefs do you still have about family court that hinder you? Please write them in the comments below. Thank you very much! ?