Does your toxic Ex still get to you, or is he still hanging around, Sweetheart? Well, what do you think?

It’s quite possible that you’ve already read a lot on my blog and therefore know where I’d like to take you mentally:

Towards an attitude of a more objective observer of this parenthood.

Towards an attitude of acceptance that this is the way things are with this guy on the other side, and that there are facts that you have little or no influence on changing.

And yet! One or two loyal readers of the blog may still not stop “grabbing their heads” at the ruthless, unsympathetic or even ice-cold way in which he fulfills his role as a father.

That he simply doesn’t understand what he is doing to your child! That a child needs a loving, protective mother, especially in the early years, and that your differences in roles are not about fairness in terms of time, but above all about your different tasks in this parenthood.

But oh – this man is so resistant to advice! And in his pathological, pathological narcissism (and this page is only about these fathers – I’m just saying it again, right!) he rages around like a bull in a china store of your child’s childhood and throws one energy rope after another at you.

Hopefully you know by now that I strongly advise you not to catch these energy ropes and become overly preoccupied with them.

‘But Heidi’, you may be thinking, ‘how is that supposed to work? It’s about our child! How can I stand by uninvolved and just let him do it?”

Yes, but what are YOU going to DO?

How are you going to stop him from manipulating your child?

How are you going to stop him from opening his mouth?

How are you going to stop him from making the next application to the court?

How are you going to prevent him from following you to a new city (or even a new country)?

How are you going to get him to think differently about you?

How are you going to get him to finally treat you with respect, as the mother of his child deserves?

How are you going to get him to see reason and finally go to therapy?

Well?

If you think you can’t get your toxic Ex to do what you want – that’s where your support system has to come in

So you talk to the youth welfare office, the guardian ad litem, the judge, the expert, the mediator – in the hope that they will tell your Ex what he should or shouldn’t do.

And?

Does that work any better?

Is your Ex impressed by this?

In general, does everyone in the support system agree with you?

Or are they soberingly neutral or do they even tend to give more weight to the role of father?

What can you DO then?

Such thoughts alone make up our entire helplessness.

But this is exactly where I come in, my dear!

Because by now at the latest, you should realize that you have no control or influence over the people who you think determine your current life circumstances.

These are the people you are giving power over your daily emotions.

All the people – especially your toxic Ex – who can mentally bother you because they think the way they think, and you still hold on to the idea that they should think like you when it comes to your child.

The essential difference, which is absolutely elementary: as long as you are in the external focus on what others should or should not do or think, you remain in a helpless state.

​But you are not helpless!

You just (still) think you are.

So: how can you now “think” yourself into a more powerful, stronger position so that you feel better?

It’s easier than you think, but it takes a bit of time. After all, your current thought system has developed over decades and you can’t transform it quickly with a bit of reading or watching a video here and there!

Everything you believe – which is the basis of your previous thinking – has led you to exactly where you are right now.

Your thinking about yourself, your abilities, your value, your self-confidence.

The moment you realize that this thinking is no longer getting you anywhere, you are at a crossroads: do I continue on this path or do I take a new path of thinking?

This marks a very important turning point: this new way of thinking is a decision and has no end point.

You don’t have to think now that you need the same decades it took to form your current way of thinking (including the horror stories from the internet forums of recent weeks).

If you make a conscious decision to choose the other path, you will find that your perception will change very quickly.

That you will feel relief very quickly as soon as the heavy burden has fallen from your shoulders.

Your crossroads is therefore called: Move your focus away from the OUTSIDE, towards the INSIDE

Towards questions like these:

Which thought will help me better at this moment?

What can I say to the child in my interaction to make them feel good and make our relationship stronger?

What can I do to strengthen myself so that my child can copy this from me?

What is really good for me now?

What feels right for me?

Is what he or she is saying or writing really true for me?

What does love say – to me or to my child?

These and many other similar questions, if practiced daily, will gradually help you to develop a different, powerful awareness of your situation.

Inevitably, you will come to a point where you realize that the antics of your toxic Ex only cause you to shrug your shoulders and you actually realize that he can kiss your ass.

Do you want to work on this attitude with my help?

Then you have two options:

Firstly, you can book my DEXKADIMA online course, in which I introduce you step by step and in a very structured way to the foundations for parallel, objective parenting with a toxic child’s father. I will show you how you can shift your focus from the factual constraints to your inner self and a new way of thinking.

Or you can join the Club of Courageous Mothers, where I will guide you day by day within a community of courageous mothers who, like you, all have a toxic ex, to learn to think differently and thus become a stable beacon for your child.

By the way, in the club you have the opportunity to purchase my DEXKADIMA course at a nice discount. The club also gives you the opportunity to take part in additional monthly group coaching sessions.

The Club of Courageous Mothers is the best place to be if parenting with your toxic ex is stressing you out and you want to change your life.

You are more than welcome!

​