Have you heard of the most popular accusation – the biggest killer word – toxic fathers say to their children’s mothers? “She’s attachment intolerant!”

Simply put, the mother is accused of not valuing the important relationships her child has and/or not allowing him or her to maintain them.

 The family courts usually aren’t pleased by this accusation, and hearing this will prompt them to investigate further. This is because attachment tolerance is important for a child’s welfare and healthy psychological development.

 However, for an estimated 99.9% of mothers in my community, this accusation is merely a reversal of the truth. Most of the time, it is in fact the toxic ex who does everything in his power to spoil or even sever the child’s relationship and attachment to the mother.

Such actions reflect the following behaviors common to pathological narcissists: 

1. projection: that is, the reflection of the narcissist’s own inability to accept that the people he loves – or at least believes he loves – can also form strong attachments with others
2. telling lies that put the narcissist in a better light and discrediting the opponent until they unwittingly believe the lies – which, in turn, makes them look more convincing to third parties.

 By now, even the last judge should have noticed how often the cliché of the attachment-intolerant mother is used. Could it be that the father is actually behind this tactic?

 Sweetheart, I understand that you are not exactly thrilled to bring your child in contact with your Ex. Perhaps you fear that something will happen in your Ex’s home that could spoil your relationship with your child. You might be convinced that your Ex will use this time of contact to instill untruthful beliefs in your child.

If you’ve been following me for a while, you know that these feelings are a sign that you must learn to let go.

Because any effort on your part to minimize visitation out of concern or fear for what might happen – and not because your Ex is a thug or has pedophilic tendencies – is futile. Worse, doing so could lead you to face actual accusations of attachment intolerance.

Remember, it’s not your place to determine and decide which relationships are good for your child and which ones are not.

A child must be able to build relationships with other people on his or her own and thus form an attachment. The intensity of this attachment will depend on the child alone.

Now, when it comes to manipulation – younger children are more easily influenced than older ones. Teenagers also tend to be prone to manipulation, since they are at an age where they fight for independence and breaking up the close bonds they have with their parents.

I definitely understand if you are worried about your young child or teen. If this describes you, let me give you a big hug!

Yet there also seems to be a certain age where kids exhibit a shocking amount of inner clarity.

This comes at about age five. Five-year-olds are my little heroes!

I am always amazed at how perceptive children of that age can be! In our group of brave moms, we hear so many stories of five-year-olds speaking up in court with such clarity when asked about their family situation.

I suppose it is because, at this age, they are too young to be in school (where distractions and structure tend to diminish creativity and intuition), but old enough to know how to express themselves clearly.

Despite fears of manipulation during contact time, many moms still want their children to build a strong and loving relationship with their fathers. 

At least that was the case with me after my separation.

I appreciated the difference between our two parenting styles, even if I didn’t approve of everything – especially the irresponsibility with which my Ex “cared” for the child in everyday life.

But this very carelessness certainly did our child quite a bit of good at times – throwing him into the air and having adventurous bike rides.

The bottom line? I was glad that my Ex got involved and actually wanted to spend time with our child. Our son had – and still has – great times with him.

If you can’t relate to this at the moment, be patient with yourself and believe me: it is much, much worse for the child if there is no father at all! (Take note: for the child!)

And since we love our children more than anything, it simply breaks our hearts to see them unhappy.

These are the golden rules a mother must follow:

1.  Never speak badly about the child’s father in the presence of your child – not even in the next room, on the phone with your girlfriend, or with your family (which he might overhear).
2. Wish your child a great weekend and be genuinely happy when he tells you he had fun at Dad’s place
3. Make the week(s) of contact possible and provide everything your child needs to have a good weekend. These could be cuddly toys, favorite clothes, school supplies, etc.
4. Your child is not the messenger between you and the Ex.
5. Your child can call his dad anytime he wants to. Just like the child can call and contact other people he cares about if he wants to (e.g. your mom, his ex’s sister, his schoolmate…).
6. You do not control who your child sees at the Ex’s house, so please avoid making comments or judgmental statements about these people in front of the child.

If you stick to this set of rules, your child will always have guidance on where you stand. If the judge asks them about this, and they give an honest answer, you have nothing to worry about.

But what if the toxic Ex is doing everything possible to make the child doubt their relationship with you?

The more focus you put on this concern, the bigger it becomes – and this can cause you to stray from the direction these rules are pointing you to.

And that is never good!

Instead, be objective. Make short notes if you are currently in court with him. Notice if the Ex regularly takes away your child’s cuddly toy, favorite accessory, or other similar emotional support objects.

If your child tells you that your Ex did not let him call you during a time of great distress, write it down. On the other hand, you would freely allow him to call Daddy or see him on FaceTime whenever he wants.

This way, when you speak in court, you can describe the reality of the child’s contact life without even mentioning the word “attachment intolerant.”

Experienced judges will then get an accurate picture of who is really attachment intolerant.

By the way, if you are preparing for your next court hearing, consider booking Court Royal. Prepare yourself in the best way possible to calmly and confidently show the court which parent truly has their child’s best interests at heart and not their own!

What is your experience with the killer argument of attachment intolerance, Sweetheart? Have you had any positive experiences in counteracting the accusation? Feel free to share in the comments below. Your story can encourage and empower other moms who struggle to deal with a toxic Ex.