Yes, sweetheart: who is actually to blame for the whole mess you’re in right now?

Your toxic ex?

Yourself?

Depending on what emotions are flooding you right now, you may find that this question triggers quite a bit, am I right?

Back when I was grappling with my own role in the breakup, one thing quickly became crystal clear to me:

I take full responsibility for all the decisions I’ve made in my life and the ones I’ll make in the future.

For example, for overlooking my gut feeling when the first, big, fat, red flags went up in the first three months of our love affair and the thought flashed through my head, “You’re going to cry a lot one day because of this man.” And right after that, “Never mind. This guy is just awesome!”

I take full responsibility for the fact that I thought exactly that starry-eyed and still took the risk and stayed with him and later even wanted to father a child with him.

A case worker at the youth welfare office might now think: “Nice and stupid – but that’s why you have the salad now, so get along!”

What I did not take responsibility for, however, were his actions and his words, which hurt me deeply.

Every person is responsible for his own actions.

It’s totally logical, right? Now we are still in agreement.

I have always been unable to deal with people who always and everywhere see themselves as victims – that was always a hard nut to crack for me – because these people virtually carry a sign around them: It’s everyone else’s fault that I’m doing so badly!

In the meantime, however, I have dealt with our topic far more intensively and understood that the question of guilt should not arise at all.

Because the question alone first puts everyone involved on the defensive.

On one hand, our Christian faith conditions us not to have any guilt. On the other hand, we just HAVE to find someone to blame!

Only then do we feel a kind of satisfaction: when the guilty party has been found and sanctioned accordingly.

A small side note: Most mothers go into the courtroom with this expectation, especially when such a highly toxic creep is sitting on the other side and has indulged in acts that even a blind man with a cane would classify as “inconceivably endangering the welfare of the child,” even more so an experienced judge. But oh – also the court does not want to and should not find the culprit at all. But to clarify a disputed application!

The question, “Who is to blame?” brings you no further in any case, Sweetheart.

You also make yourself very vulnerable, mentally speaking.

Everybody makes mistakes – you too – and if every mistake is always seen in the light of this question, you really can never relax, because you always have to be on your guard and compulsively have everything under control, in order to always be without guilt.

Impossible!

Let me take you one step further

According to the Law of Attraction, you attract everything that you yourself emit. You are like a radio station that broadcasts out on a certain frequency – and all people and things that are on the same frequency find you in response.

These frequencies are determined by the kind of thoughts you think. If you think good thoughts, you are broadcasting at a high level – so you radiate positivity to others.

If you think bad thoughts, you will radiate negativity.

The interesting thing is that thoughts you think find other thoughts with a similar frequency. They dock to each other like wagons to a train.

It may be that you do not believe in the law of attraction. It is not so easily obvious as the law of gravity, which babies already understand when they drop a toy again and again on the ground and it consistently falls again and again on the ground!

So you can assume YOU attracted all events to have shown up in your life. 100%. That includes the bad ones – and the good ones too!

Your thoughts of yesterday are your reality of today.

Now you come to me with the question of guilt!

In any case, you would hardly be blamed for the fact that when you climb a high wall and jump, you don’t stay suspended in the air. At least no one questions the law of gravity.

You would rather be scolded for why you climbed the wall in the first place if you broke your leg by hitting the ground.

That’s the kind of thing you know!

If you find yourself in a whirlpool of events that go downward into the trough of waves rather than upward to unimagined heights, then let me assure you: Everything is normal with you!

And no, you have no “guilt”.

You are just not yet trained to intervene mentally when the negative train of thoughts starts rolling slowly and attaches one negative thought after the other until it simply keeps growing in mass and speed.

The art – which you can learn – is to consciously slow down your train of thoughts and build them up so that the good, positive thoughts pull the train in the opposite direction. Specifically, the direction you want!

The only accusation you could be accused of would be that you have been sloppy in your mindful thinking when events come your way.

But hey – it’s really not that simple when you’ve been conditioned for several decades to always keep your focus on the bad – or on what doesn’t work!

Especially since all the other people around us are likely to continue ticking like that and want to push us back into the old way of looking at things.

Therefore you may indulge yourself

Some moms may get scared there now and think – “Oh God, now I’m getting scared of thinking too, since my thoughts are usually more garbage than good!”

And then there goes the Ex!

Didn’t he start planting the bad thoughts in me in the first place? And my parents?

Yes, Sweetheart. Many people in your life have influenced you in your thinking. For the bad – as well as the good.

Which doesn’t mean that you have to keep doing what everyone else has drilled into you!

You are now at a point in your life where you may dare a new way and already know so much about narcissism that you can consciously put up a big stop sign for yourself.

Only you can think your own thoughts!

There I can still write as much as I want.

Yes, please take responsibility for how and what you think.

But do not take the responsibility for how others think and act!

And just leave the question of guilt for the mess out of it. That is a comparison between apples and monkeys.

If certain things happen in your everyday life from today on, then ask yourself: “That’s interesting! How have I been thinking lately that I put this on now?”

If events overlap in the positive, you can very accurately attribute this to a high time in your emotions beforehand.

If, on the other hand, there are unpleasant experiences, then you can also attribute this to a certain negative thinking ritual.

In both cases you will feel proactive.

Isn’t that good news?

I am, therefore I spark!

And I can learn to operate consciously on good, high frequencies. It’s all a matter of practice and focus, sweetheart.

You can’t control what happens out there – initiated by the Ex or other adversaries. But you can learn to consciously control your thinking, how you react to it.

With this, you are never helpless again, because every single experience brings you one step further in your mindfulness towards yourself.

What do you think, sweetheart? Would you like to learn to think differently?