Mothers ask me all the time how they know which fight is wise. Because sooner or later they hear and read it – if not from me, then from others:

Choose your battles wisely.

Easier said than done – if only you had a battle to fight!

A mother with a toxic narcissistic Ex-partner on the other side of the parenting relationship, on the other hand, faces a plethora of battles.

One fight after another, instigated by the Ex with multiple court motions, to which she must respond.

The fight at the youth welfare office, when it comes to an out-of-court settlement, and where the best possible solution for the child is to be found.

The fight at mediation, when every hour or every vacation is being fought for.

The fight over child support.

The fight over joint property, if during the marriage residential property or valuable goods – also for retirement provision – were acquired.

The fight over the better parenting style.

The fight for the physical protection of the child.

The fight for the emotional protection of the child.

With so many battles, it’s easy to lose track of what’s going on and quickly get bogged down.

But every fight costs energy. And every fight in court costs a lot of money in addition.

The energy aspect should not be underestimated in such cases.

And that’s exactly what I want you to focus on.

It’s quite possible that your toxic Ex is using a perfidious strategy to wear you down until you can’t take it anymore.

It can then happen that he seems more and more powerful to you, the more often he can summon you to court or build up a threatening backdrop that has a particularly strong effect because the last proceedings have already traumatized you.

The opposite of fighting is letting go

And that, too, is easier said than done. Letting go itself is too abstract a concept for some moms, especially when they are in the midst of the mental chaos surrounding the misdeeds of their toxic ex-partner.

Something has to be done about it!

No one can allow this to happen!

It is outrageously unfair that he is allowed to claim or do something like that!

The man deceives and lies to everyone – not only to me, but also to society! A criminal who actually belongs behind bars! Doesn’t anybody see that?

It gets really bad when the Ex is a celebrity who has a large fan base. Or an influential politician.

There it becomes difficult not to find yourself in a negative belief model, which I have already described in detail in this blog article.

But it’s definitely possible to get out of it! Of course there is work behind it, and so that you don’t get bogged down on your way to clarity, you have me…!

Questioning beliefs, changing them or replacing them completely is exactly my thing, which runs like a red thread through my offers for you.

But let me come back to the core question at this point:

Which fight is wise when the available energy seems to be limited?

Here, looking at your child will help you.

1) How old is your child?

The younger, the more worthy of protection, because draconian time divisions between parents have massive long-term effects on later bonding ability.

2) What do you think he is capable of?

Can he handle an hour of contact? A sleepover? A weekend? Three weeks of vacation?

3) How is the relationship between the child and the Ex?

Does he have a crisis when he has to go to his dad? Or does he love spending time with him?

4) What does the child want?

Does he want to spend more time with daddy and says it again and again? Does he want to live with the father himself?

It makes a big difference whether a five-year-old parrots an alternating residency model that the child’s father has drummed into her, or a thirteen-year-old thinks she wants to stay with the father in the house.

Yes, the thirteen-year-old may have been manipulated into this attitude as well, but she can definitely handle the consequences of her actions better. It’s better to let her pull – even if it hurts.

If you want a rule to guide you, this is it:

As soon as there is imminent danger to your child, you must act and fight.

Manipulation alone is not one of them. Every narcissist manipulates, but so do other people in your child’s life.

Sure we worry when the Ex tells the toddler that mom is bad! But we can hardly prevent it.

As long as you are clear, you can always offer your child a counterpoint to manipulation – not by pulling out the same weapon and standing up to it. But only by the fact that your attitude does not allow any other interpretation.

Therefore, for example, a fight for general contact – even if it is only one afternoon during the week – for fear of manipulation of the toddler by the child’s father makes no sense.

An alternating residency model for under-6s is also to be prevented at all costs if you have been the main caregiver so far.

Also, if you know that he is an alcoholic or severely neglects and does not supervise the young child during his contact time, this is a very clear thing that you must strongly oppose.

Of course, if he repeatedly fails to administer medication that is important for the child, or if he does not have his impulse control under control, and there have already been physical assaults toward the child, that is also a very clear matter.

I think that’s clear, isn’t it?

But what to do with your cry for justice?

What if I told you that your role is not that of a justice-providing citizen, but first and foremost that of the mother of your child? Who must stand in her strength and confidence so that she can give mental support and orientation to the child?

Maybe you are a woman who can fight against supposed windmills and actually accomplish a lot in the long run – for the benefit of society and all the other mothers who will come after you.

Can we just please agree that you will do this as soon as you yourself are stable, your child and the proceedings are out of the woods, and you have accumulated enough strength within yourself to be able to proceed confidently and smartly?

There are certainly already women who are already standing there and proceeding in this way. Let them go ahead for now. And later you will join them and do your part.

Agreed?

Please realize that in all fights you pay in the currency of “energy.”

How much of it do you have left in your pocket? Have you already found new sources of energy so that you can fight a new battle?

You must have noticed that I have developed Court Royal, an online course that allows you to prepare yourself for court proceedings in the family court.

Still, use this knowledge to focus on the battles that really matter:

The ones to protect your child and protect your relationship and bond with each other.

Let go of everything else so you can focus on you and your strong future, which you’ll otherwise lose sight of if you get too distracted by the thought of him.

What’s your take on this? Please comment below this article which battles you fought and which you were able to let go. You will help other moms tremendously. Thank you!