It’s been a long time since I’ve written about Next, I realized, probably because it’s not a huge topic for all moms with toxic exes. 

In many cases, the mothers even long for the next because they assume that the ex will finally leave them alone.  

Far from it, by the way.  

Even with the gentlest, most empathetic next, the ex will still try to keep the energy source they found in you alive. 

But what if the next is just as, or even more, toxic than the ex? 

When he really doesn’t feel like having a child anymore because it’s too exhausting for him, but the Next finally wants to be a mommy or dreams of a big blended family? 

And so we imagine the Next egging on the ex and giving him hell. 

Why does he suddenly know so much about family law? And why does his email suddenly sound so different? 

Does she work for him and provide him with relevant articles, for example from the fathers’ lobby? 

And does she also prescribe the emails for him? 

One thing leads to another 

He says in subordinate clauses that he is so sorry for the whole development and that she (Next) is so sad and she always bakes a cake in anticipation of the child. 

Or that she had said that the child could come to her for the entire summer holidays, they would then fly together to her holiday home on Mallorca and have a lot of time to play and have fun with the other children there. 

Or he mentions that she would have expressed surprise why you ask for this or that – since you shouldn’t do that at all? 

And more and more the image solidifies in you that the Next is actually the one who pulls the strings and creates the negative vibes. 

One thing leads to another

He tells in side sentences that he is so sorry about the whole development and that she (the Next) is so sad and that she always bakes a cake in anticipation of the child.

Or that she had said that the child could also come to them for the whole summer vacations, they would then fly together to their vacation home in Mallorca and have lots of time together to play and have fun with the other children.

Or he mentions that she would have wondered why you were asking for this or that – since you weren’t allowed to do that at all?

And more and more the image is solidifying in you that the Next is actually the one pulling the strings and taking care of the negative vibes.

Caution.

In all incidents, statements and side sentences that you don’t hear from her directly, you should rather assume that you are being manipulated by your Ex.

A pathological narcissist loves to present himself as a victim – everyone else demands from him, his boss, his girlfriend, the court… If it were only up to him, then yes… but so he unfortunately has no other choice!

By the way, he can also copy emails of the fathers’ lobby and send them in his name. That times so completely besides…

Besides, he should have zero interest in you getting to know his new one, and if so, then only under his supervision, so that he can steer and better control the course of things.

So the best thing for him to do is to sow discord between you in a well-dosed way – especially since he can enjoy the negative energy between you wonderfully. Two women quarrel, and he is on the outside.  

Wonderful!

Even if she approaches you directly and offensively, calls you or even writes you fierce emails that you should please come to your senses and give the father time with his children (even though there are already regular visits and everything is going wonderfully), you have to reckon with the fact that she was manipulated by the Ex with stories in which you are the witch par excellence. 

And she really only wants to bring you to your senses as a supposed narcissist. 🧐

Nevertheless, there will be her, the also highly toxic woman who has found her spitting image in your toxic Ex.

Although I don’t think that happens very often, since two highly selfish, toxic people can’t give each other much that will sustain a relationship. How is that supposed to work, please, when both of them want to be the center of attention incessantly?

But that should not be your problem now, how they form their relationship!

Your main question, on the other hand, is certainly:

What is the best way to deal with a toxic Next?

By practicing “No Contact!” to the point of no return. It’s simple.

If she sends you violent emails, you don’t answer her, but him. 

Because only he is your contact person for your common child!

If there are any announcements or demands, then write to your Ex calmly and sovereignly-objectively that you will only agree on custody and contact-relevant child matters with him and that he please makes sure that his girlfriend does not write to you anymore.

That is your statement.

A two- to three-liner is perfectly sufficient.

This is not an invitation for a discussion! If an email is sent back afterwards, it will not be answered, let alone justified.

Your request will certainly be ignored a few more times, but as long as you just don’t respond, it will eventually stop.

Only when toxic people feel that they “get” you with their behavior, it remains interesting and exciting!

Make yourself looooong! *yawn*

Of course you block them on Whatsapp® and on Facebook®, and their follow-up emails end up unread in the trash.

This then falls under the heading of “self-care” and “I’m allowed to set boundaries”.

How to explain it to your child

It’s best not to. 

After all, this is about your relationship with her – which you don’t want to have because the toxic parental relationship with your Ex is already enough for you.

If your child has a good relationship with the Next, then you can be happy with him. Because it’s now the world your child has to live in, and nothing is harder for a child when they don’t like other people and they still have to spend time with them!

Please make absolutely sure that your child does not overhear how you yourself feel about Next. 

If possible, stay neutral and try to accompany the child in the same way as you would accompany him/her when meeting other toxic people – the teacher who practices poisonous pedagogy, for example, about whom you could not change anything.

Your task in the triangle is to make it possible for your child to have relationships with other people and, if possible, to encourage them so that they can gather their own experiences and learn how to deal with them.

Be aware when they tell you stories, and encourage them to say no when they feel like it – whether it’s the teacher, the coach, or the next person.

Avoid at all costs any snide remarks or outbursts of indignation about the toxic Next’s behavior!

Offer your child a calm beacon for guidance.

He already gets enough hate and gloating in the other highly toxic household, that’s enough.

No doubt the child will still sense that something is wrong – children are sensitive without question! But please, don’t get carried away to talk turkey in the presence of the child, you will rather bring him into big loyalty conflicts.

It has a hard enough time as it is, when there are two poisonous necks over there who don’t think anything is nice or good.