What do you associate with the word “control,” sweetheart? Uncomfortable feelings in the pit of your stomach? Is your toxic ex controlling you where you go and where you stand?

I’d like to use this article to unravel this concept and help you build a good, balanced relationship with it.

Because especially with a toxic ex partner, you can’t escape it.

Control is a big issue between you. In two ways:

The energy rope I keep talking about might as well be called “control.”

If you keep catching and holding the energy rope between you, you are allowing him to control your emotions.

You allow him to do that as long as you don’t let go of the rope.

On the other hand, you know him so well by now that you can guess what and how he is thinking. If he is the devil himself, it will make you sick to know what actions on your part will trigger what thoughts in him.

Even if before the relationship you went through life rather naively and innocently trusting in the good, after the breakup you feverishly try to always think two or even five steps ahead.

If you are an established project manager who is used to success, it is in your blood to plan strategically and to take into account all eventualities that could go wrong in a project. For months, maybe even years in advance.

The problem: a toxic narcissistic ex is unpredictable.

And: we’re not talking about some boring million-dollar project here. After all, that’s just money that will turn up somewhere else should the worst case scenario occur.

No, this is about your child and the possible loss of a loving, fun, carefree childhood.

Who can’t understand when moms go into frantic counter-control actionism?

Empathic moms find themselves in a whirlpool after the breakup that goes something like this:

What will he do next? And accordingly, what can I do to stop it?

What will he say in court? And accordingly, what can I do to make the others believe me and not him?

What will he say to the child? And accordingly, how can I protect my child from him and his malice?

The bottom line is: what is my best move today, tomorrow, the next day, and a year from now to prevent the worst from happening?

This alone is a never-ending thought spiral that will only drive yourself insane, because you are not a psychic, no matter how well you know your ex and his sick brain!

The worst thing about it is that even the smallest decision that is about to be made puts you in a state of paralysis.

You have to think through the whole spiral of thoughts first, for fear that this – at first glance harmless, but after all you know your ex! – decision could have a major negative impact. Similar to the butterfly effect on the global climate.

You are then virtually incapable of making a decision. When you finally make a decision, you are still unsure.

And rightly so.

Because a top-heavy decision, which is spat out of this thought-muck at some point, is based more on your fear than on confidence and optimism.

Decisions based on fear, however, are not good ones.

Quite the opposite: they virtually manifest the situation you actually want to prevent.

Above all, they are miles away from your gut feeling of integrity and harmony. You are then no longer able to perceive individual, quiet impulses from within yourself and to act accordingly.

What you need now is confidence and trust that everything will be alright.

I can hear you right now as you read this, Sweetheart.

“Yes, thank you Heidi, that’s great. How do I get into confidence when everything is falling apart around me right now and my ex is raising hell and I keep seeing evidence that he is succeeding?”

It’s important to me that you understand that you have no control over him.

No matter what scenario you come up with: He will always be able to surprise you. Even years later.

Therefore, your contemplation is pointless and doesn’t help you.

You don’t know today which doors will open tomorrow or in one or five years!

You don’t know today which people you will meet who can help you to cushion certain situations: with your child, with your job or with your finances.

Imagine that for every decision you make – no matter which one you make – there will be at least twenty new options that will give you the chance to correct or confirm your course and continue to grow.

Therefore: involve your gut, listen to your inner voice. Trust it.

In order to hear your inner voice, you need peace and clarity in your mind.

That is your goal!

Sooner or later, by the way, every mother with a toxic ex comes to this realization. The calm and level-headedness, the inner certainty will come eventually.

In any case, as long as you still believe that you always have to be five steps ahead of him in order to come to peace, then I can tell you that this state will then last for a long time.

Very long.

When it is so far, you have in any case yourself in the hand.

Do you want a shortcut?

As soon as you have internalized that you better concentrate solely on what you have under your control, you will get further.

Now don’t just answer with “yes, yes”, sweetheart!

I really mean internalized!

This includes not picking up his rope of energy (an infamous email with bossy demands, his games around agreed-upon handover times, his manipulations of the child, his irregular child support payments, and so on and so forth) just because he throws it at you.

Part of that is knowing how to stabilize YOUR emotions quickly.

It also involves knowing WHO you are, HOW you tick, and WHAT IS IMPORTANT TO YOU.

It includes living YOUR life the way YOU envision it – giving your child a beacon in their life.

As soon as you have internalized all this and come into clarity, then you have let go.

Then you trust, because you know that NOT ONLY YOU have no control over others, but also all others have de facto no control over other people.

Even autocrats have no control over other people – over their thoughts and ingenuity.

They just hold on to it for so miserably long – but happy is different, sweetheart.

It’s time for you to live happily, what do you think?