Has your toxic Ex has already gotten a good telling off from the judge, and yet he still won’t stop doing what he was reprimanded for?

Maybe he “won” in court and his application was granted, much to your chagrin, and you were hoping that he would finally stop sending you nasty emails because he got what he wanted. But no such luck!

Many people then think: “Wow – will this never end? What else has to happen for him to finally leave me alone? Does the child have to turn 18 before I can breathe again?”

When your child is perhaps only 2 years old, it is easy to feel hopeless and discouraged.

But I can assure you that it doesn’t have to be like this. And you can actively do something about it – even if you can’t do anything about his actions directly.

That reads strangely, but it becomes clearer straight away.

The first rule you may learn as a mom with a toxic ex is:

You can’t control the actions of your toxic Ex-partner

You also can’t make other people tell your toxic Ex what to do or not to do.

No one will be able to stop him from saying bad things.

Your ex alone determines and decides on his daily actions.

No one will be able to get him to develop further if he does not feel this need within himself.

The only chance you have of not sinking emotionally and mentally in your coparenting journey is to change your reaction to his actions.

The automatism that kicks in as soon as we are confronted with a certain, frequently experienced situation needs to be uncovered and mindfully perceived so that we can then call up a different, more conscious reaction.

It is not enough for you to react differently just once.

You need to practice this – just like every other skill that you learn!

There is a valuable space between the action and your reaction

This is your space in which you can steer yourself and put your train of thought on the right track so that it can travel in the right direction: In the direction that strengthens you and does not weaken you.

What is behind his behavior anyway?

Realize that a pathological narcissist always wants to be supplied with energy – and preferably with yours, because after all, you have always been available as a source of energy over the past months and years!

Court proceedings, ongoing meetings at the youth welfare office or in joint mediation are perfect opportunities for a direct exchange of energy after you move out.

This energy exchange happens the moment you feel strong emotions and he can perceive them.

He will therefore always use ways to make this energy exchange possible.

Imagine it as if he then throws you an energy rope

Your energy can flow freely via this energy cord.

The best and easiest way to do this is to stand facing each other and look him in the eye while he tosses you the cord.

Right after that comes the phone. Your voice is a fantastic conductor of energy!

Ah – and Whatsapp® and other messenger services. Ding – new message from him! And he knows that you’re thinking about him now, at the exact moment he sends the message.

But this also works excellently via email. The energy is conveyed by what is written between the lines.

Your options for reacting

So let’s say your toxic ex throws you a new energy cord – and while it’s still flying, you recognize it as such.

That alone is already progress and you can pat yourself on the back.

So what are you doing?

Catching and holding on so that the energy can flow freely between you?

Or do you reflexively catch it for a moment and immediately drop it like a hot potato?

Or do you take a step to the side so that the energy rope doesn’t even reach you and just shrug your shoulders?

Spoiler: Option 3 is the goal, but sometimes it takes option 1 + 2 for us to learn how to deal with it.

Imagine your energy as a cloud of gas around you

You generate this energy through your thoughts.

The equation is simple:

Bad thoughts – bad energy.
Beautiful, positive thoughts – positive energy.

Your challenge is certainly to find a positive stream of thought amidst all his toxic actions in everyday parenting.

But even that can be learned over time – see my Club of Courageous Mothers, where I help you practice exactly that every day.

Essentially: The path from negative thoughts to positive thoughts is via neutral thoughts.

And it becomes neutral when you react objectively and rather boringly.

Which is not to say that you should come across as bored yourself! This is also an emotional reaction that may even cause him to act more violently, as he could feel attacked.

No, you should make YOURSELF boring!

By explicitly writing only with a period at the end of a sentence and not with an exclamation mark.

By keeping it short and crisp and not writing more than necessary. Are 2 or 3 sentences enough?

By examining your attitude: Do you want to convert him, teach him, prove you are right? Or are you correcting a fact that should be corrected at this point because this step is now necessary?

Or think about whether you really need a reply? Especially if he writes 5 emails a day, you can certainly allow yourself this consideration.

Let’s name the elephant in the room anyway:

This is – once again – about being able to set boundaries

You can’t do without boundaries with a toxic ex, Sweetheart. These boundaries need to be clearly communicated by you – with a period, without exclamation marks – and with the good feeling that you are allowed to do so.

And without fear.

And what could the first boundaries look like?

Please scroll up again – you will see a list of ways in which he can throw the energy ropes to you.

Determine which ways he is allowed to throw you an energy rope in the future – that would be the absolute maximum you allow in this parenthood.

You can do this as long as you offer at least one communication option.

Bottom line

• First decide whether you want to catch the energy rope he is throwing at you.
• Think about whether you need to respond at all.
• If so, check 2-3 times to make sure that there is really no emotion from you between the lines (take a close look at your inner attitude!).

You will become more and more boring for your Ex over time, and you will experience less and less stress as well.

And that is exactly your POWER, my dear! This is what you have in your power – your reaction to the actions of toxic people.

If you are still insecure in your reactions because negative thoughts and fear are running amok in your head, then only you can change this yourself by getting to the bottom of these thoughts.

Thoughts are nourished by certain beliefs that you have been confirming deep inside yourself for years.

Therefore, don’t hope that your toxic ex will change at some point – instead, work on changing yourself!

Specifically, your thoughts and your belief system, which you have trained well over the last few decades, but which is no longer getting you anywhere.

If you want to go into more depth here, then my Power Brain Detox program would be ideal, because in this online course I guide you in a structured way to your beliefs and how you can change them to get into a positive energy.

You’re also welcome to join the Club of Courageous Mothers, where I coach a new way of thinking every day with moms who, like you, have a toxic Ex.

Insider tip: The combination of both is the optimal solution if you want to put an end to the daily misery of your Ex’s toxic actions!​