So. Now you are very sure, after everything you have heard or read about me and also what your environment has confirmed to you, that you have a toxic partner. And you realize that it can’t go on like this

But moving out? You dread that.

The house is so nice and big. You’ve put so much work into the garden! And the children can play undisturbed by traffic in your cul-de-sac with the neighboring children. Not to mention that the school is just around the corner.

Your neighbor is your best friend. No wonder: after all, you’re always at her place when things go badly with him, and the neighbor is virtually your witness to the suffering you experience every day.

And anyway – who would rent an apartment to a single mother with two children? And where would that be, please – in the shabby part of town? Would the children have to change schools and kindergartens?

Oh dear, that’s on top of the separation from dad!

And how are you supposed to finance all of this? With your part-time job in accounting?

Don’t worry, sweetheart: your head will ALWAYS give you arguments as to why you shouldn’t move out!

We have all been where you are now.

We have all wished for a different life for ourselves and our children: with a loving partner at our side who takes care of us and is committed to the family with heart and soul, and whose positive attitude makes it easier to deal with any difficulties that life throws at us over time.

But that’s just not the case. Is it?

And while your soul is crying quietly to itself and sending you increasingly clear signals – such as constant migraines (“I’m breaking my head”), dizziness (“the ground is pulling out from under my feet”), unspeakable itching or rashes (“it gets under my skin, what’s happening to me”) or even tinnitus (“I don’t want to hear it anymore!”) – your head is still the part of your body that you pay attention to.

Why?

When do you think is the right time to reverse a wrong decision – to move in with this man – and choose a new path?

When can you go back to living the life you actually wanted to lead – back to when you were a young woman leaving school?

When will you allow yourself to pursue the dreams that would make you a happy woman?

Yes, now you have one or two children and you are no longer as “free” as you were when you were 20.

But that doesn’t mean that you have to remain a slave to your circumstances forever!

What I would tell your head

What if I told you that every single parent has found a place for themselves and their children? And not all single parents in the neighborhood have to live in shambles or are inevitably dependent on Hartz 4 forever and ever?

What if I told you that your children are growing up and that their current friendships can change at any time? And that your child might find their best friend in their new neighborhood?

Let me ask you a question: what kind of mother are you today? Are you balanced, patient, loving in your dealings with your child?

If you answer yes to this question, then it is rather surprising, because then the emotional abuse by a narcissistic partner has had little effect on your personality.

For most of the mothers who follow me, however, it was different during the relationship

They were only a shadow of the personalities they had been before their relationships with toxic men. They were very sad, unhappy, impatient, and desperate most of the time. They felt helpless with their backs against the wall and often had really bad outbursts (you know – when the proverbial straw breaks the camel’s back).

You were torn apart, and the children sensed it.

What would your head say if I were to ask it what kind of childhood your children are currently experiencing? How do they experience you? What emotional support do they get from you today?

What kind of role model are you for your daughter today?

What kind of role model are you for your son’s view of women?

Even the worst hell can still be the most comfortable comfort zone.

In retrospect, many mothers struggle with why they stayed with the narcissistic child’s father for so long. Some take years before they finally make the final decision and organize the move.

This cannot be explained with hope alone (“I’m fighting for our relationship now – we’re going to marriage counseling now – maybe he’ll change after all?”).

Because with a narcissist, it actually becomes very clear after just a few counseling sessions with a marriage therapist that, unfortunately, you are backing the wrong horse with this hope. As soon as the therapist’s verdict is “resistant to counseling,” you should immediately pack up and start looking for a new place.

You should. You should.

And yet – so many hold out. After terrible arguments, they let themselves be persuaded (I can’t write “calmed down” here – because their inner peace has long since gone).

No, a narcissist gets their way – and you obediently follow.

And with each day you stay with them longer, you betray your dreams.

Your desires.

Your strength.

Your life.

You subordinate your life to what friendships your five-year-old has. You subordinate your dreams to what external lifestyle you currently have, when you could recreate that lifestyle for yourself over time by educating yourself smartly and strategically and forging concrete job plans or starting your own business.

Ultimately, everything comes down to one decision:

do I want to continue this life or change it?

If you want to change it, it won’t work with the narcissist by your side. That’s as clear as day.

So please realize: every day you put off making the decision, you are deciding for the life you are currently living.

The things you are currently experiencing are then more important to you than everything that awaits you beyond your departure: your emotional balance as a mother. Your own protective bubble. Your own circle of friends, which will be redefined after the separation. Your inner balance, which you can only achieve if you come to terms with the situation and surround yourself with people who value you and support you in your development.

But how bad will my life be after the breakup?

Sweetheart, there’s no question about it: if you have a toxic partner, the time after the breakup won’t be a walk in the rose garden.

But you don’t have that now either.

You only have a chance for a better life after you separate from this narcissistic man.

You only have a chance to mature emotionally and feel more secure, and thus be a wonderful role model for your children, after you separate.

Your chance to lead a different life than the one you have now is only possible without this man by your side.

Yes, he will still play a role in your life. But whether he gets the main role or a supporting role – as the father of your children – is and remains your decision.

Where do you currently stand? What is preventing you from leaving? Let us know in the comments.