​This anxious question comes up from time to time with my customers and with the women in my Facebook group. What they would like most is a guide that they can work through step by step. Something they can hold on to and orient themselves by. You don’t want to raise another generation of empathy-less, toxic monsters!

After all, we all see the connections of how early in childhood the toxic people in our lives were either traumatized themselves or adopted certain beliefs that laid the foundation for their narcissistic personality disorder.

We see the long line of ancestors from the narcissist’s family of origin and anxiously wonder: is this genetic? Just as an accumulation of cancer or cardiovascular disease in the family increases the risk of one day being one of them?

We experience our rabid Ex in his rage as powerful and ourselves often enough as small and powerless.

He is so convincing! He is so strong and powerful! He is so well received by his fellow men (who do not know him closely, mind you)!

What can I do about it? How am I going to be able to do anything about it?

The main distinction you have to make: What can you influence yourself, and where do you have to let go?

You have to let go of the question of genetics. You can’t do anything about that, can you? I do believe, however, that environmental factors play a role in the development of narcissistic personality disorder that should not be underestimated.

There are no firm findings on this yet, but some researchers suspect, for one thing, that a cold and subliminally aggressive upbringing promotes excessive self-expression in the child. Children who are not recognized compensate for their injured self-worth by excessive performance efforts, for which they eventually receive praise.

Others suggest that children who are not given limits by their parents may respond with a perfectionistic self-image.

You already know this, right?

Children need boundaries and empathic love to mature into happy adults.

I’m not worried about that with you either. That’s YOUR thing. Hook it.

But what about your Ex and father of your child? With whom you can neither talk about what educational measures would currently be appropriate for certain problems of your child. Let alone agree with him on a general parenting style.

If that wasn’t even the main reason why you broke up with him – even before you realized that he is obviously a narcissist!

But even there, you have to let go sooner or later.

You can’t control what he tells your child.

Whether he sets too many cold boundaries for your child or praises him excessively and showers him with money when he gets straight A’s in his report card.

​Focus on what you can do

And that’s a lot!

Because you are the other 50% of parenting. Powerful realization, isn’t it 😉

So don’t think just because your Ex is bawling louder, acting the vain peacock, or going aggro-bully that he’s covering up your soft, warm, loving tones in your child’s heart.

Quite the opposite.

I firmly believe that our children subconsciously absorb the subtle tones.

What they definitely need, however, is to feel your inner security.

Figuratively speaking, they need a mental railing to hold on to and orient themselves.

So if you yourself are running around headless and helpless and don’t know how to cope with the current situation in life, how is your child supposed to draw strength and confidence from that? And trust you that your way is the better way and not that of the loud and manipulative bully dad?

The most important measure you can take to prevent your child from becoming a narcissist is to strengthen yourself and gain clarity – in your attitude, in your appearance, in your expressions.

And it’s better to start today than tomorrow.

The best actions you should take to get started right away

1. Work hard on your own happiness skills by keeping a gratitude and success journal to take the focus away from the difficulties, the drama, the hopelessness. You can train yourself to do this, and it works. 100 percent.
2. Become absolutely matter-of-fact with your Ex and think about a clear stance on how you want to deal with him in the future. I recommend my upcoming DEXKADIMA online program for this, in which I show you how to approach this in a structured way.
3. Visualize your child at 20 or 25 years old. What do you want your child to be like then? What abilities do you want him or her to have developed? How will he or she interact with others? It’s best to do this in writing and embellish every detail.

Now comes the highlight: From now on, you simply act as if your child were already exactly like that!

Pay attention to your child, if he or she gives even the slightest hints to be going in that direction, and practice the above techniques.

Your child tells you about another child who has been crying? Ask him why he thinks the other child cried. And whether he can understand? If he or she sees another child being so happy about something, ask him or her how the other child feels and why that is so special. This is a great way to practice empathy.

Focus especially on the good signs your child is showing you. Do not focus on the narcissistic signs! Otherwise you will achieve the opposite.

Where focus goes, energy flows (Tony Robbins).

But my child already shows so many narcissistic traits – just like his father!

In this case I invite you to a change of perspective: Let’s assume that the child is just a carefree child and shows certain narcissistic behaviors because it is part of your child’s present developmental stage. It is the Ex, on the other hand, who has not developed and is stuck at the level of a five-year-old in terms of the maturity of his emotion management.

How does that sound to you?

So my tip is to let the Ex be the Ex and focus on your child. Think of certain challenging situations as maturation processes that will pass. And stop with the constant comparisons!

Don’t let up on your belief that your child will grow up to be a good, empathetic person.

Who else will do it but you?

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