You’ve probably been there too, right? Your child acts all rebellious towards you and lets out a statement that could have come from the mouth of the child’s toxic father.

You are probably shocked at first and may also feel triggered, especially if your child associates this statement with a form of emotional blackmail that you remember all too well from the past.

I don’t even want to rule out the possibility that a highly toxic, narcissistically disturbed child’s father is constantly repeating certain phrases to the child that he knows will trigger you.

He simply knows your Achilles heel too well, and even if you no longer live in his household and he can no longer bully you personally, a particularly pathological type is likely to use the child as an energy messenger.

However, it doesn’t have to be like this.

The child can also simply repeat the phrases that he hears from the Ex over and over again and which are not directed at you, but at the child themself.

In other words, if the child’s father uses the same methods of emotional abuse he has used on you on the now-manipulated child.

This is actually understandable and somehow perfidiously logical.

One symptom of narcissism is a lack of self-reflection

If a person repeatedly devalues and puts others down in their communication and actions, but considers themselves to be infallible – how is it possible to change, even if every relationship breaks down as a result?

Therefore, it does not have to be a conscious behavior of the Ex, but “merely” his very individual, narcissistic pattern .

A child is like a sponge.

They observe both of you and learn, first and foremost by imitation.

So let’s get this aspect out of the way first:

It’s normal when your child blurts out a line or intention that reminds you of your toxic Ex.

The child will do it again if he or she produces a successful result the first time. Your child then begins to be “trained.”

The pathways in their brain are wired until it stops being a conscious action, and becomes fully automated and subconscious.

In fact, it is the child’s nature to keep finding and testing limits.

Every child does this, whether they have been manipulated or not.

With the toxic child’s father, they simply has a role model in front of their eyes providing them with a different portfolio of ideas than the more loving ones of an empathetic and caring parent.

But they must first test the waters!

I’m convinced of this: a child still approaches trial and error without judgment. Especially younger children, who don’t really have a sense of “right” and “wrong” when it comes to communication.

With teenagers, things look a little different – you can certainly assume that the child wants to test their limits by deliberately wanting to hurt.

Perhaps in order to pass on the pain they have experienced from their parent.

​With teenagers, however, there is another important aspect:

The purpose of puberty is to detach themselves more and more from the close bond with their parents and become independent.

The closer the bond, the more intense the detachment process must be – depending on the child’s personality.

And what could be better than using the child’s toxic father as a means to an end in order to break away from the loving mother?

Now this is where you come in:

Or rather: your behavior.

The way you react to the first attempts to test boundaries will set your child’s behavior on track for the future.

What behavior can he learn from you, Sweetheart?

Spoiler: An emotional freak-out doesn’t help.

It’s quite possible that he wanted to provoke exactly this reaction – then that would be a “success”.

If you notice that your child is using narcissistic methods on you, then it’s best to react in the same way that you should always react to narcissistic methods:

As a gray rock.

Uninvolved.

Not showing any emotion.

“Uh-huh.”
“Hmmm.”
“So that’s how you see it.”
“I see.”

Make yourself boring.

If the manipulated child wants to blackmail you, stand firm in your stance and don’t give in

You know that blackmail never ends.

You’re not doing your child any favors if you always give in and allow yourself to be blackmailed. They may then lose respect for you and see themselves as overpowering.

This will really set them on the wrong track!

You’ll realize by now: It’s all about setting boundaries

Are you already allowing yourself to set boundaries? Not only towards your toxic Ex, but also towards your manipulated child?

Have you realized that setting boundaries has nothing to do with no longer having love for this person?

On the contrary, it’s proof of your love for your child!

Of course, your attitude is crucial here.

If you react in a hurt and helpless way, scream out your boundaries and act as if the toxic Ex is standing in front of you and shouting the words at you and not your child, then this shows you much more that you still need to work on it yourself.

In this case, take a closer look at the statement or trigger.

Which belief system about yourself is it feeding?

If you are firm about your beliefs, you can train yourself to handle toxic statements that serve these beliefs more confidently and make the trigger less and less important over time.

Until you just smile at the attempt and shrug your shoulders.

Your child loves you and knows that they are always safe and protected with you

How likely do you think it is that they would say exactly the same thing to their father?

How likely do you think it is that they would dare to blackmail your toxic ex?

This is exactly why they are exploring their options with you. To learn.

You are always the other 50% of parenting.

Your toxic-manipulative ex is one role model – and you are the other.

Instead of using your complete focus to target your ex’s behavior and manipulation, you will achieve much, much more for your child as well if you work to stop the triggers from affecting you.

If you focus on being a role model.

By the way, you can practice this effectively in the Club of Courageous Mothers. There, I will guide you through your transformation using coordinated checklists.

Within the club, you can also find a very nice interview with Manuela Festl – a specialist in communication with children – in which we had an intensive exchange on this very topic.

Please let me and the other moms know in the comments below what experiences you have had with your child’s narcissistic behavior and how you resolved it.

If you already have older children who have had such a phase and who have developed into resilient, empathic young adults thanks to your intervention, I would also be delighted to hear from you! Thank you very much!